It’s Like Dying In The Sun

Back to the doctor today, so not a lot of time to write. I don’t know when I will update again.

Though they said it would probably happen, I didn’t expect this. I didn’t expect to feel the pain so intensely. I didn’t expect to go downhill as quickly as I seem to be. Every day lately seems to bring with is something new, something else that I have to fight against. But I fight because I want to live. I fight because I want to grow old with my Knight. I fight because I want to see my babies grow up.

I’ve fallen down the stairs more. I can hardly see and there are days that holding on to even a cup of tea is almost impossible. The bleeding never stops from the front or the back and the pain is so intense that it makes me prefer labor and childbirth without drugs to this. But that’s not the worst.

The worst is the waiting. The knowledge of the dying process with a diagnosis like this. Will today be the day? How about tomorrow? The waiting and the fear of falling asleep and never waking up…those are the hardest things.

I am so happy. I am so incredibly loved at this moment in my life. All I want is to scream and stomp my feet while I cry out that this isn’t fair. It’s not supposed to happen this way. My life is beautiful, maybe even more meaningful now than it ever has been. Yet here I am, fighting this horrible illness that will take it all away. It’s hard to face the facts when you’re so sure that you’ll be the one time they’re wrong, that your life is worth a miracle.

It’s like dying in the sun.

When I’m able I will update, even if it’s short or just a video. Thank you for reading and for the thoughts and prayers. I’ll take them with me everywhere.