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Cancer
Posted under Love, Life, Cancer by The Butterfly Temptress
I promised to update as I was able, so here I am. No doubt you miss the sex stories and the erotica, but there’s not a whole lot of that going on right now. However, you can always check the sidebar under Writing and find the oldies but the goodies.
After seeing the doctor yesterday the news is less than good. I told The Knight, of course, but I couldn’t tell Mama. So, I gave her the basics but the rest will have to wait until the next time I see her in person.
The plan of action?
To get as much done this month- as much chemo and radiation as possible. At the end of the month if there is not a significant improvement/reduction then that’s it. The doctor will send me home on hospice with comfort measures only.
He did tell me, of course. This time last year we knew that this was our last ditch effort. I was told that I probably wouldn’t see my thirty-first birthday, but it’s fast approaching. I keep thinking that maybe, just maybe, they will be wrong. Maybe March will be the month to turn it all around, the month that it all falls into place and miracles appear out of thin air. They warned me, so I knew that this was the possibility but I didn’t want to believe them.
I write here because this place is mine. This is my safe haven to say all the things that normally I hold inside. My body hates sitting here in the chair I fell in love with that The Knight bought for me because he saw how much I loved it, at the desk that he bought and assembled for me because it was girly and my favorite shade of white. The desk that houses cards from friends and family, pictures drawn by my babies, and love letters from my husband. The desk that has seen countless hours of writing and video game grinds (God how I miss World of Warcraft!) with my husband.
My husband.
Remember when I never thought it would happen? Now my last name is the same as his. He smiles and cries when he calls me his beautiful wife. He calls me beautiful with my hair shorter than his and my body shutting down! I always said the man was crazy, so I guess he keeps on proving it day after day.
We talked last night about the news from the doctor. The plan is to hold out hope for this month, to keep on believing that I’ll be the lucky one. (I think he needs it more than I do at this point, so I will do it for him.) When the month is over he will take a leave of absence from work to be with me. Then we will talk to the babies and make plans for the weeks that they say I will have left.
It all seems so surreal. All around me life goes on and I feel stuck, rooted in this place. Caught somewhere between life and death where the view never changes. It’s like watching a movie that someone else has made about me and my life.
I’m tired now. I’m sorry if you came here looking for a wank or voyeuristic fulfillment. None of that to be found here lately. If you’re still speaking to me, drop me a line. Tell me what’s going on your world.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-4dFEE_ppI
This is heart breaking news, Butterfly. If all of our prayers and wishes for you help, then I am sure you’ll be that miracle. Don’t give up, not that I think you will. And know that so very many people are thinking of you every day.
I’m not sure I’ve commented here before, but I’ve been reading a little while. I want to extend my prayers that your body can heal itself or at least learn to live a long time with your illness. I know a man who had a prognosis of comfort measures and that’s an ongoing diagnosis for about 20 years. He lived a very full life. Cancer doesn’t have to be a death sentence…no matter what the doctors say.
You’ll know in your deep quiet self if what they say is true…if its not, then I hope you find the strength and courage to live that truth despite others opinions about what’s true. Sometimes our souls think we’re done…other times we just need some really hard lessons while we figure some stuff out for ourselves and get to the truth of something we wouldn’t reach otherwise…and sometimes that involves making your own truth the reality, not those around you. That’s frequently an incredibly hard thing to do.
I send you good thoughts and healing wishes. Blessings!
I never read you for the erotica. I read because I got caught up in the story of your fight.
I’m so, so sorry about the bad news. I’m sitting here trying to think of something encouraging but nothing comes to mind. That sounds terrible.
Give the babies the best information that you can.
I have nothing more to add.
How intimidating it is, trying to find something to say yet wanting to say… something.
My fingers are crossed for you, my thoughts and energy directed toward good coming your way.
I pray that March may be the month of miracles for you.
i wept when I read this. I have to confess I’m not a very religious girl, but I will say some prayers for you. Stay strong butterfly girl. Hugs!
My brother is in a very similar position to you right now, except for him the treatment has not worked, and he is now receiving palliative care, living with me, and occasionally going to the hospice for respite. I continue to cross my fingers that it will work for you.
I am also very glad you have your husband. My brother has me and Apollo, but it’s not the same as having someone who is there just for you - we do what we can, but he is missing intimacy (if not sex) quite a lot.
Thinking of you, every day.
xx Dee
You’re never far away in my thoughts.
Gather all that love around you…
always,
`x~Will
I’ve been gone so haven’t read for a few days.
Butterfly…so much here, so much.
I am happy you are loved and let it in. I grieve for your loved ones and the losses you are all facing, each his/her own.
I want so much to hold you.
Enjoy the sunshine, the love, the laughs, the suchness of life.
Many hugs and Blessings your way. I send you love and light and the wish for the highest good for all concerned.
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