A Trip Down Memory Lane: Find Me

It’s not very often that I allow myself to dwell on the past or wonder what might have been. Especially since finding The Knight, I’ve tried very hard to remain present in the here and now. Still, there are days that I can’t help drifting into the past, into a time when life was different than it is now.

I know I’ve mentioned Steve before. How could I not have? He was such a major part of my life for so long that not mentioning him would be leaving out a vital part of who I am. An amazingly handsome blue-eyed Brit with the power to melt me with just a smile. That was Steve. (Yes, that’s him in the picture. So very fine, don’t you think?)

He lived in London so a “relationship” was almost impossible. We talked about the future, about living there or him coming to The States, but I think we both knew that his life was there. With a family and a restaurant he couldn’t just up and leave, no matter how much he might have liked to, it just wasn’t possible.

I can’t even begin to tell you the effect he had on me. We emailed and instant messaged with the best of them. Yahoo voicechat was our best friend, even if it was more than a little unreliable. We’d hook up our mics, pop in a dvd and have date nights. Every night before bed we’d email our good nights. With the time difference it was perfect that his IM tone was my alarm clock. I was convinced that I had finally found the man of my dreams.

On my birthday one year I decided to take a trip to California. It was all very quick, totally impulsive. Friends were coming back from Iraq and I wanted to be there to see them. So, I hopped a flight and ended up spending the week just outside of Palm Springs, minus two days spent in Las Vegas with my friends and their significant others. It was the trip of a lifetime.

That was the last morning I’d heard from him. He emailed me on the morning of the 19th to wish me a happy birthday, then nothing. Days passed and I was more worried than ever. I knew his father had been sick and in the country they didn’t have access to a computer, so if he was there I wouldn’t hear from him. I pulled out the emergency contact info he’d given me and tried unsuccessfully to get in touch with his family.

Other than caring for the girls, my world stopped. I cried for days and then when I thought I would be alright, I cried myself to sleep at night. I couldn’t understand why he would just disappear without a word. I knew in my heart that something awful must have happened, I just couldn’t find out for sure.

Almost nine months later he responded to an email I had sent. I tried so hard to understand, but he wouldn’t let me in. He wasn’t the same person and by then, neither was I. Whatever we once had was long gone and my heart broke all over again.

Eventually the story came out. His father had passed away while I was in California. He’d tried to call me but I was gone and out of cell phone range. So he left for the family house in the country. Six days later his mother passed away and his family started fighting over the estate. It proved too much for him and he had a nervous breakdown.

I felt horrible for thinking the worst. I cried and apologized but that wasn’t the problem. He just wasn’t the same person anymore and he told me as much. I thought that I could be a good thing for him and booked a flight to London.

I never made it to London. Steve stopped me by telling me that he couldn’t be what I needed. He said we could be friends, but we both knew better. I tried and maybe he did too, but it just didn’t work. So, in 2005, after I met The Knight, I sent one last letter.

Usually I think that the past is best left where it is. Usually I walk away and never look back. I’m happy now. I’m in love with my husband and I have no desire to change anything about my life. Still, I can’t help but wonder. I can’t help but wish I could talk to him just one last time.

(From a cd that Steve sent to me, a beautiful song that moved me to tears. There’s no actual video for it, so just listen to the lyrics.)