I have to go away for a little while. I just need time to think. It’s no coincidence that this comes on the heels of more bad news. No coincidence that it comes after dealing with problems that linger without resolution.

If you’re the praying type, please pray for me. I’m ready to quit. I’m ready to give up. I know I was fighting, but I’ve forgotten what I was fighting for.

I hope I’ll be back. I hope I’ll make it back…to this site, to this world…to myself.

Until then please be well.

Fall Apart Again
Brandi Carlile

Long is the day, take it away
Hold it up and you don’t let it fall
Cause devils play, was yesterday
And I don’t care about that at all

I just smile, once in a while
Because I don’t want the lines on my face
I sit right here, holding the years
And I count all the stars in space

You fall apart again and you can find a friend
Don’t turn to someone else because they won’t understand…

Self respect, goes unexpressed
I don’t dream because I cannot sleep
And I think the world of myself
But the world doesn’t think much of me
As long as the day is full of time, there will always be room
for your hand in mine

You fall apart again and you can’t find a friend
Don’t turn to someone else because they won’t understand
I don’t want to hear
You say that you miss yesterday
If you don’t like what you see
That means nothing to me

No one’s home I’m alone with my music and my tv
And I still say that yesterday is best when left to sleep

You fall apart again and you can’t find a friend
Don’t turn to someone else because they won’t understand
I don’t want to hear
You say that you miss yesterday
If you don’t like what you see
That means nothing to me

Email this post

I’m tired. I slept almost completely through todays chemo. I imagine being up all night being ill had something to do with it, on top of the obvious chemo side effects.

Really, I’m pissed off. Last night we finished watching the Grey’s Anatomy (Season 3) dvd’s and tonight Season 4 starts. God bless Mama for buying the set for me, but I don’t have cable or satellite tv, so guess who won’t be watching Season 4? Yup. That would be me. Few things bring me comfort, but Grey’s Anatomy does. I am so not a happy camper. (Though I so don’t want MerDer to be over…and why the hell did Burke not marry Yang?! Alex is a mess and Izzie needs to get her own man. George and Callie…I’m so rooting for them, but it doesn’t look good.) GRRRRRRRRRRR…I so want to see my show!!!! :::insert tears and tantrum here:::

I wish I could tell you all what was really going on, but I can’t. Not yet. Not that I don’t want to, but I can’t do it just yet. God knows I need to write about it, I long to write about it, but it’s not possible yet. Just a little while longer.

This afternoon I’m praying that I’ll get to see my babies this weekend. Spending time holding them and catching up with them…better than any drug in the world.

Email this post

I’m home again from another round of chemo. A bag of each chemo drug and a smaller bag of fluids after each one. Is it any wonder I’m retaining fluid like crazy? Any day now I expect my skin to crack and begin to weep like so many of the patients I took care of as a nurse. My shoes are tight and my skin just feels like it’s about two sizes too small.

Insomnia strikes again. I have prescriptions for Ambien and phenergan but it’s the end of the month, so they have to wait. I think I only slept for two hours last night. The rest of the time I spent tossing and turning.

The rain is fitting. The clouds match my mood. I suppose I’m wallowing a little, but the doctor says I’m entitled. Then he told me that if it gets too bad to let him know and he will give me something to help.

Something to help? So, he’s going to offer me a cure? A stay of execution?

Please.

Some things can’t be fixed with a pill. I wanted to scream and fall apart as he introduced me to his bosses, to the heads of oncology. I want to tell him that they can present my case to as many panels as they want, I don’t care. I just want answers. I just want to be well again.

I want my life back. I want a promise that I’ll have years to live and love. I want my health and I want my babies. I want to hold them close and breathe in the sweet scent of my angels. Without them, I just don’t care. Without them, life isn’t worth living.

Email this post

I miss The Girls. I miss them more than anyone could ever possibly know or understand. Without them, life is meaningless. I can’t eat or sleep. Even breathing hurts. I need to hold them and whisper to them my love that is never ending, tireless, unwavering. I need them to know that they’re my life.

God, how my heart aches. Without them, without even word from them, I’m dying inside.

Email this post

I’m hurt and I’m angry. I don’t understand people. I don’t understand him or her, I don’t understand them. Sure, my expectations are probably higher than they should be. Sure, I always think that the people I choose to surround myself with are like me, will respond in turn, the same way I do.

I was wrong. I am wrong.

Continuously.

I’m not removing links because some people are fickle. I’m not deleting emails or talking trash because they decided they couldn’t be there for whatever reason. So while there are some who have decided that they can’t be my cyber “friend” because I’m a real friend to someone they don’t like, I’m bigger than that. The links will stay and I will not feel like shit about it.

I will, however, refrain from being so thin skinned in the future. I will practice self-preservation. I will still go out of my way to give people the benefit of the doubt and I refuse to apologize for it. And I will not say another word about it here, because this is my house, my sandbox, and the rules are mine to make.

If you don’t like it, too bad. Take your toys and go home. Grow some thicker skin and I’ll try to do the same. After I’m finished crying and bitching about this totally shit day and the so-called friends that really aren’t.

P.S.
I know I suck at being a friend, but I try. I know I don’t return every email or reply to every comment, but I try. God damn it… I. fucking. try. I’m not perfect, so if you can accept imperfections, thanks and I still love you.

Email this post

I cant sleep
everything i ever knew
is a lie, without you

I cant breathe
When my heart is broke in two
Theres no beat
Without you

Youre not gone, but youre not here
Is that the way it seems tonight
Cause we can try to end these wars
I know that we can make it right
Cause baby

I dont wanna fight no more
I forgot what we were fighting for
And as lonely as its in my heart
Wont let me be apart from you

I dont wanna have to try
Girl to live without you in my life
So, im hoping we can start tonight
Cause i dont wanna fight, no more

How can I live
When everything that I adore
And everything Im living for
Girl its in you

I cant dream
Sleepless nights have got me by
The only dream Ive ever had
Is being with you

I know that we can make it right
Its gonna take a little time
Lets not leave ourselves with no way out
Lets not cross that line
(that line)

I dont wanna fight no more
I forgot what we were fighting for
And as lonely as its in my heart
Wont let me be apart from you

I dont wanna have to try
Girl to live without you in my life
So, im hoping we can start tonight
Cause i dont wanna fight, no more

I made a bet, i made a vow
That i will never let you go
I mean it then, i mean it now
And i wanna tell you so

I dont wanna fight no more (oh no)
I forgot what we were fighting for
And as lonely as its in my heart
Wont let me be apart from you

I dont wanna have to try
Girl to live without you in my life
So, im hoping we can start tonight (can we start)
Cause i dont wanna fight, no more

I dont wanna fight no more
I forgot what we were fighting for
And as lonely as its in my heart
Wont let me be apart from you

I dont wanna have to try
Girl to live without you in my life
So, im hoping we can start tonight
Cause i dont wanna fight, no more

Its a lie, without you, without you

Email this post

I’m too tired to post times or do anything fancier than a boring post. Chemo is kicking my ass. Very ladylike, I know, but it’s not a ladylike pharmaceutical duo. I’m tired and I hate being tired. I want my energy back and I want it yesterday.

The walls of the outpatient department are a bluish grey, like a winter sky. I can’t help but expect to leave and see snow clouds overhead. Yet all I see is sunshine. And people in short skirts intended to be business suit pieces with flip flops. What the fuck? Seriously. The suits would look good paired with a pair of pumps or even a nice pair of Gucci flats. But flip flops? Sound the siren, I am the Fashion Police and they are in serious violation.

Ha!
I’m fighting cancer but I still notice people with no sense of style. I’m not dead yet! As long as I keep noticing things like that then I suppose I’ll be just fine.

Mostly I worry. About my babies, about The Knight, and about Mama. She’s taking all of this so hard. I just want to wrap them all in a protective shell until I can say it’s all better- especially my babies.

The IV drips burn and I’m running out of veins. I don’t have an emesis basin, I have a wash basin. Nausea and throwing up really suck. Why does something so ugly have to be such a pretty color anyway?

Enough whining. Thanks for the prayers that keep coming and the friendship that never falters. It means the world to me.

Email this post

Again, here we go. Back and forth, spinning wildly with arms spread wide in circles that are all too familiar. All at once we stop and we find ourselves on our backs staring at the blue sky with its marshmallow clouds, our tummies rolling and our emotions all a whirl. Your hand finds mine and the rolling in my tummy turns to the fluttering of a million butterfly wings. Suddenly, inexplicably, it’s all okay.

I know how lucky I am. I know how blessed we are. There’s no doubt in my mind and the fear I feel today has nothing to do with us. It has to do with chemo and (horrors!) the sudden lack of libido, the ever present odds and statistics.

Sometimes the fear is consuming. It stares me down and reaches out with intentions to swallow me whole. Usually I run. I bolt in record time and hide behind whatever or whomever gives me the most cover, as long as it isn’t anyone who knows me or loves me.

Not this time.

This time I’m running straight to him. With his blonde hair and his pretty blue eyes, with his geek insight and his uncanny ability to tell me like it is. He’s proud of me, of the progress we’ve made and I like that. It feels good when so many things feel just awful.

“If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

Forget what we’re told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that’s bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes
They’re all I can see

I don’t know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?”

Email this post

Out of bed to answer his call. The power went out for five minutes, so I couldn’t call him back. A trip to the porch to check the mail and my hands began to shake. A massive envelope from his attorney.

I called him back and mentioned that it had arrived. He told me to open it, so I did. And the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach grew. There on the ivory paper, in black ink, were the words that had long last set him free.

He asked me to call and find a justice of the peace and I couldn’t help but ask “Are you sure about this?”

He thinks I’m trying to talk him out of it. And he hates it. He’s adamant, sure that he’s never wanted anything more.

I love him with all that I am and with him is the only place I ever want to be. So why am I shaking? Why am I fighting the urge to run? If this is meant to be, then why am I so scared?

Scare Me

(Listen Here- Number 11)

I’m not afraid of lonely
I’ve gotten good at being that
ain’t seen nothin’ that could hold me
say good-bye and don’t look back

running, always ready
feel as strong and steady
but you scare me

took a long walk after midnight
trying to make sense of it all
tried to catch a glimpse of my old life
but your face was all i saw

blue eyes staring through me
baby, what are you doing to me
you (never felt this before, it’s all brand new to me, never known anyone) scare me
you (i’m doing what i said i would never do, too late to stop it now) scare me

knowing there’s no turning back
knowing I don’t want to

baby you (never felt this before, it’s all brand new to me, never known anyone) scare me
you (i’m doing what i said i would never do, too late to stop it now) scare me
scare me
scare me
baby you scare me
scare me

Email this post

No chemo for me today as my counts are down. I’m secretly thankful because I don’t know that I could have handled yet one more round this week. Yesterday wasn’t as bad as Tuesday, but I didn’t take my meds. I chose to enjoy my time with Mama instead.

We’re closer now than we used to be. I know it’s hard for her to hear my thoughts and feelings. I know she struggles to keep it together when we’re together. I know she wants to wrap me in a protective shell and keep me there, just like she did when I was a kid. Yet she manages to nod and try to understand while she sits close and holds my hand.

Yesterday was made even better when The Knight told me that his attorney called and told him that he was officially divorced as of Wednesday. His final decree should be here by Monday and that’s all he was waiting for. Last night he talked of getting our marriage license and of marrying me. He was teary eyed as he whispered that he couldn’t wait to make me his wife. I didn’t know what to say, so I just listened and figured I’d sort it all out in the morning.

I miss my babies. I miss holding them close and knowing that they’re alright. All the changes in their lives can’t be easy for them and I suddenly understand my mothers desire to protect and shelter, the need to make it all better. Yet I know it’s not just up to me, that there is only so much I can do. So this weekend when I see them I’ll make sure to hold them close and remind them that nothing in the world matters more to me than they do.

I’m off for now to climb back into bed. Rest is what I need more than anything else and days like today I welcome the opportunity. Peace and quiet are hard to come by with five children and a family like mine, but I’m breathing and I wouldn’t have any it any other way.

Email this post