I don’t know that it will last, really I know it won’t but my heart and my belief in God made me feel that I had to give The Knight one more chance.
This weekend my parents will bring the last of my stuff back to Pittsburgh. I don’t know how I feel about it. Part of me feels as if I am doing the right thing, the thing God would want me to do. The other part of me feels as if I am letting down not only those who read here, but my parents and a part of myself as well.
He’s made a lot of promises. We’ve done a lot of talking. I don’t know that it will work, especially once the girls are here, but one last time I had to try.
I have good days and bad days. Sometimes all I can do is sleep, barely summoning the energy to get to the bathroom. Other times I can get a good nights rest and I can be awake for most of the day. I usually listen to my Zune and daydream my time away.
The time is fast approaching to have someone come in and help care for me. I know it but I don’t like it and I certainly don’t want to accept it. Part of it is pride, but part of it is so much more. Still, I don’t want to make it harder on my loved ones than it has to be.
I’ve been in touch with my childhood sweetheart and it’s done wonders for my spirit. I worry because he’s on yet another tour in Iraq, but the ability to talk to him via email has been wonderful. He’s asked me to hold on, to hang in there until he can get home on leave, so I have one more thing to keep me fighting, one more thing to keep me holding on. He wants to see me, even if only to say good-bye. Every night I hope and pray that I can.
{Did I mention that the whole of my hometown believed we’d be together? Everyone expected us to always be us. He was my Gilbert and I was his Anne. I don’t know what that means now, if anything, but we both still remember it, the way it was…the way we were.}
Email this post
I like to think that I am just your average fat bisexual submissive housewife with a heart of gold. When I'm not battling cancer I can usually be found tackling the joys and pitfalls that come with being not only an ex-wife and a mother but also a sexual abuse survivor. I believe that healing is possible even when it comes to sex lives. And when our house finally falls silent at the end of the day I chronicle my journey for the world to see. My writing covers everything from relationships and marriage to sex advice pieces and sex toy reviews.Soon I hope to begin podcasting and other collaborative projects. And if you didn't know it yet, I'm a comment and email junkie, so don't hesitate to drop me a line.
