I don’t know that it will last, really I know it won’t but my heart and my belief in God made me feel that I had to give The Knight one more chance.
This weekend my parents will bring the last of my stuff back to Pittsburgh. I don’t know how I feel about it. Part of me feels as if I am doing the right thing, the thing God would want me to do. The other part of me feels as if I am letting down not only those who read here, but my parents and a part of myself as well.
He’s made a lot of promises. We’ve done a lot of talking. I don’t know that it will work, especially once the girls are here, but one last time I had to try.
I have good days and bad days. Sometimes all I can do is sleep, barely summoning the energy to get to the bathroom. Other times I can get a good nights rest and I can be awake for most of the day. I usually listen to my Zune and daydream my time away.
The time is fast approaching to have someone come in and help care for me. I know it but I don’t like it and I certainly don’t want to accept it. Part of it is pride, but part of it is so much more. Still, I don’t want to make it harder on my loved ones than it has to be.
I’ve been in touch with my childhood sweetheart and it’s done wonders for my spirit. I worry because he’s on yet another tour in Iraq, but the ability to talk to him via email has been wonderful. He’s asked me to hold on, to hang in there until he can get home on leave, so I have one more thing to keep me fighting, one more thing to keep me holding on. He wants to see me, even if only to say good-bye. Every night I hope and pray that I can.
{Did I mention that the whole of my hometown believed we’d be together? Everyone expected us to always be us. He was my Gilbert and I was his Anne. I don’t know what that means now, if anything, but we both still remember it, the way it was…the way we were.}
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I like to think that I am just your average fat bisexual submissive housewife with a heart of gold. When I'm not battling cancer I can usually be found tackling the joys and pitfalls that come with being not only an ex-wife and a mother but also a sexual abuse survivor. I believe that healing is possible even when it comes to sex lives. And when our house finally falls silent at the end of the day I chronicle my journey for the world to see. My writing covers everything from relationships and marriage to sex advice pieces and sex toy reviews.Soon I hope to begin podcasting and other collaborative projects. And if you didn't know it yet, I'm a comment and email junkie, so don't hesitate to drop me a line.
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If you feel that it’s the right thing to do, then it’s the right thing to do.
Luvbunny and I truly hope it works out.
I think it’s sweet that you & your high school sweetie are back in touch. ^_^
Dragon Mage´s last blog ..Vacation (part II) and HNT
By Dragon Mage on 06.20.09 7:35 am | Permalink
Hello there gorgeous! So nice to “see” you back here…I’ll continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers…and as always, wish you well. You are such an inspiration - so much passion and strength in the face of adversity…
mitzpah
By Meg on 06.20.09 8:46 am | Permalink
I finally got my laptop back up and running and yours was the first page I visited, girl.
Peace,
N
By Neska on 06.21.09 6:46 am | Permalink
Sweetheart, pease don’t feel that you need to apologize for following your heart. Without heart we have no feelings. While we want to protect our hearts from pain, we want and need joy more. All my prayers and best wishes for whatever it is you need and want. No regrets. Regrets are a bitch.
By Terry on 06.21.09 7:16 pm | Permalink
Thinking about you. I wish the best for you, especially now when things seem at their toughest.
By Helen E. H. Madden on 06.22.09 9:25 pm | Permalink
I’ve been thinking of you, hon. And I’m still thinking of you. *hugs*
xx Dee
By Curvaceous Dee on 06.24.09 11:24 pm | Permalink
Hugs to you, Lady.
Re: both men…what’s to lose in loving?
Be well and keep finding your way.
By gillette on 06.26.09 7:16 pm | Permalink
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