I just wanted to ask that you all are patient with me as I adjust to living a different llife. I don’t know where my life is headed and I can’t promise that I will be able to tell you that anytime soon. I wish I could.

Please, keep my family and I in your prayers. I still need and appreciate them very much.

I will update when I am able. My love and best wishes to all of you.

P.S.
Please, in my absence, in what feels like my darkest hour, do not forget me. I promise that as soon as I am able I will fill in the holes, the gaps and answer and and all questions.

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I don’t know why I’m still sitting here, still writing such inane bullshit, but I suppose it’s because I had no other place to go with it. So indulge me a bit, please, and I promised to make it as fast as I can.

As most of you know from my last post, I have been in touch with my childhood best friend/sweetheart via email. He asked my sister for a way to get in touch and once I said okay, he’s been in constant contact. It’ so nice to talk to him after all these years, even thought there really haven’t been that many. Still, it’s nice to catch up and talk about everything from old times to our new lives to his time in Iraq.

My marriage has fallen apart. It is broken into so many pieces that I can’t even begin to know how to put it back together. I don’t want to be touched or made love to. I don’t care about anything. Instead I hide beneath the blankets that cover our bed. How ironic is it that it’s over just when he mentions wanting to have a baby with me? He doesn’t want to have a baby with me, really, but he doesn’t want to lose me either and for him, if I go into remission, he change his mind and no one will be the wiser, except for me.It hurts and it stresses me beyond belief.

My marriage falling apart has nothing to do with being in touch with Brian once more. You all know that. I know that. Any man that can tell me he’d rather be dead than be with me, a man that can sit in the office playing games with others while I lay alone in my bed, dying of cancer isn’t a very nice man. I saw the red flags. I felt them deep inside. So instead of subjecting the girls to more pain and arguing I will just be gone come the first of August. If The Knight hadn’t spent my medicine money  and the extra, I would have been gone already. Anyway…

I know that whether remission comes or not, that I have led a wonderful life. It thrills me to know that soon I will get to start again, that I will once more start anew. I am blessed in ways that few can imagine and I know it. So thank you for the prayers, for your emails that says hello. I know you’re out there and I promise I will respond.

Before I go, a song to soothe my broken heart.

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