I don’t know why I’m still sitting here, still writing such inane bullshit, but I suppose it’s because I had no other place to go with it. So indulge me a bit, please, and I promised to make it as fast as I can.
As most of you know from my last post, I have been in touch with my childhood best friend/sweetheart via email. He asked my sister for a way to get in touch and once I said okay, he’s been in constant contact. It’ so nice to talk to him after all these years, even thought there really haven’t been that many. Still, it’s nice to catch up and talk about everything from old times to our new lives to his time in Iraq.
My marriage has fallen apart. It is broken into so many pieces that I can’t even begin to know how to put it back together. I don’t want to be touched or made love to. I don’t care about anything. Instead I hide beneath the blankets that cover our bed. How ironic is it that it’s over just when he mentions wanting to have a baby with me? He doesn’t want to have a baby with me, really, but he doesn’t want to lose me either and for him, if I go into remission, he change his mind and no one will be the wiser, except for me.It hurts and it stresses me beyond belief.
My marriage falling apart has nothing to do with being in touch with Brian once more. You all know that. I know that. Any man that can tell me he’d rather be dead than be with me, a man that can sit in the office playing games with others while I lay alone in my bed, dying of cancer isn’t a very nice man. I saw the red flags. I felt them deep inside. So instead of subjecting the girls to more pain and arguing I will just be gone come the first of August. If The Knight hadn’t spent my medicine money and the extra, I would have been gone already. Anyway…
I know that whether remission comes or not, that I have led a wonderful life. It thrills me to know that soon I will get to start again, that I will once more start anew. I am blessed in ways that few can imagine and I know it. So thank you for the prayers, for your emails that says hello. I know you’re out there and I promise I will respond.
Before I go, a song to soothe my broken heart.
Email this post
I like to think that I am just your average fat bisexual submissive housewife with a heart of gold. When I'm not battling cancer I can usually be found tackling the joys and pitfalls that come with being not only an ex-wife and a mother but also a sexual abuse survivor. I believe that healing is possible even when it comes to sex lives. And when our house finally falls silent at the end of the day I chronicle my journey for the world to see. My writing covers everything from relationships and marriage to sex advice pieces and sex toy reviews.Soon I hope to begin podcasting and other collaborative projects. And if you didn't know it yet, I'm a comment and email junkie, so don't hesitate to drop me a line.
4 Comments so far
Leave a comment
I’m having a tremendous difficulty following this post. A) are you in or might be in remission and B) are you thinking of killing yourself?
Please don’t!
Please e-mail me?
Rob´s last blog ..New Header for UnSpace
By Rob on 07.10.09 7:03 am | Permalink
Oh sweets, I was just thinking about you yesterday!
(((hugs)))
He spent your medication money?!?! Gah. NOT a nice man.
By Eris on 07.10.09 8:47 am | Permalink
Marilyn Monroe once said, “If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
Rori´s last blog ..Chemistry
By Rori on 07.10.09 1:19 pm | Permalink
Sounds like you are making a decision for yourself and Life. May you feel loved with every step you take.
Hugs.
gillette´s last blog ..Life This July
By gillette on 07.13.09 12:13 am | Permalink
Leave a comment
Line and paragraph breaks automatic, e-mail address never displayed, HTML allowed: