At once I am whole. I am flying, soaring on angels wings. A gasp, a whimper, a barely audible sigh.

A flash of lightning. The world around me fades to black. You leave my body, slip from my grasp.

Midnight blue embrace. Freefalling to the ground below. Ashes to ashes and dust to dust. A big love, a small lust, a final little death.

Time comes to an end. Now I know the answer. Eternal attraction, forever desire. I will love you beyond the point of dying, beyond my last breath.

Oh…you didn’t know? Then check this out!

Since the proceeds will benefit Audacia Ray’s Sex Work Awareness Project, it’s not only a great addition to your everyday life, it’s also a chance to help out a very worth while cause. (You all know how strongly I feel about supporting those who need it!) For the low cost of $30 you get burlesque photos of NYCs sexiest bloggers and a personalized day to promote your own blog or leave a message for someone who perhaps makes your heart race.

Speaking of racing hearts…check out their individual blogs below.

Audacia Ray

Desiree

Diva

Elizabeth Wood

Jamye Waxman

Lux Alptraum

Mariella

Rachel Kramer Bussel

Riese

Sinclair Sexsmith

Tess Danesi

Twanna A Hines

Now, I’m going to go order mine. Hurry up! Get yours before it’s too late, because you only have until October 1st.

People have told me that they like the way I write. They like my attitude, my honesty, but they just can’t support someone who is fat. It goes against all their beliefs. When I read those emails, I was more than a little hurt. I let it go because I know I’m not for everyone. Some people like me, some people hate me. So be it. Still, it stings.

My friend Scarlet Lotus Sexgeek featured Project LifeSize on her blog and now I’m sharing it on mine. Because the message is awesome. Because the world has enough hate.

Orgasms relieve the tension and alleviate the pain. It’s been proven and it’s recommended. With The Knight, in the evenings before bed, my toys have been getting a workout. I mean, major workouts with fabulous results for me and for my husband. Tonight, my favorite toy DIED.

So what’s a girl to do? Well, I tried this one but I forgot that it no longer worked because the wire shorted out. Then I tried this one because I wasn’t sure.

As my luck would have it, none of them did the trick. Not even the Nea worked tonight and Heaven knows I tried. What the hell is wrong with me??

Wait. Don’t answer that.

I just need to improve my toy collection. I’m not in need of something to fill me because The Knight has that covered. However, something with a little punch to it might be nice. Maybe The Hitachi or maybe even this one.

For now, I’m going to try to get some sleep. Maybe tomorrow I’ll have some luck. Or some sex. Or both.

Mama says that I need to remember to pray, so I have been. My knees are sore for spiritual reasons these days, not sexual ones. My lips move but no sound comes. My body shakes and shivers, betrays me time and time again but still here I am. Seizures suck.

I want to say that I have found my fighting spirit. I want to tell my husband that I won’t give up, that the lack of energy isn’t as bad as it used to be, but I don’t want to lie. I want to tell my mother that I’m fine but it isn’t true.

Tomorrow is more chemo. They can’t tell me if the memory loss is because of the chemo or the cancer spreading, but it’s terrifying. Hours upon hours of time are just missing for me…vanished into thin air. I don’t remember, so it’s as if they were never there. When The Knight tells me what happened, it’s so humiliating. I know it’s not unusual but I never thought I would feel so insane.

Other than that, I don’t know what to say. Last night I was thinking about writing about awesomely hot sex in our kitchen, but this morning, the idea was gone. If I hadn’t read a note to myself I never would have known. So fucking hot, wouldn’t you agree?

There you have it. Why it is that I really don’t know what to say. (I do appreciate that you read this whining post as far as you did…really, it’s nice to know someone is out there.)

The thing is, sometimes people don’t have all the resources they need. They don’t have the support system in place. Or, their friends and family decide that they just can’t be around someone who is sick.

They don’t have to go it alone any longer…we don’t have to go it alone. Allow me to introduce you to MyHopeSpace.

MyHopeSpace was started by a husband and wife whose lives have been touched by cancer. Like so many others they realized that there wasn’t a place that existed for patients and other people to come together to stand against cancer. So they created one, using their own time and resources.

I encourage you to visit the site. If you know someone who has been diagnosed with cancer, if you care for someone who has cancer, or if you find that you really just want to be part of someones support system, visit the site. Join. Create a profile. Find the way to give and receive hope.

Courtesy of Edenfantasys.com

When I first heard about Lelo and their line of incredibly feminine, high quality sex toys, I was so excited. Though they had plenty to offer, only the Nea really seemed to call to me. So, naturally I couldn’t resist the offer to review it.

The package arrived in a plain box, which was nice. Discreet is a good thing where I live, not only in our neighborhood, but in a house full of children with prying eyes. Just one more reason to love Edenfantasys!

The Nea itself arrived in a beautiful package. A black box with a shiny finish only cemented my belief that these people knew what they were doing. Inside the glossy black box was a matte finish box, not unlike one that watches come in. Very classy and very easy to open, which is hard to come by in this age of plastic that requires scissors and the strength of Hercules to open.

When I lifted the top off the box, I was shocked. The Nea was so small! Now, I’m a big girl with lots of curves, so I was a little skeptical. I usually prefer toys with some substance, some oomph.

I plugged it into the charger and spent a few minutes stroking it lovingly. The glossy black color with the pretty pink flowers was absolutely divine. The LED buttons were ingenius and well placed. I pressed them just to see if it was really as quiet as they had claimed and it most certainly was!

We were finally ready to try it, but as luck would have it, not in the traditional way. Instead, I used it on my husbands testicles and I stimulated him orally. Imagine my surprise when he climaxed immediately! He said the vibration was not too powerful, not too annoying, but was the perfect balance for his sensitive man parts. (It’s good to know what our partners think of our toys!)

I tried it myself with my husbands assistance and it was nice. I say nice, because it was just enough. Not enough to send me over the top to an intense climax in record time, but enough to stimulate my clitoris and feel really good.

In all fairness, if you prefer intense clitoral stimulation, this is probably not the toy for you. If you do however, like pretty toys with overtly feminine design and the convenience of a recharger, with just enough vibration to get you ready, this is a toy for you.

Instead, I will post the link. Then I will turn out the lights, take off my clothes, and slide into bed next to my husband. I’ll lay against his perfect body until he wakes up and wraps his arms around me, pulling me closer. Only then will my body even begin to relax.

Before I finally begin to fall asleep, I will say my prayers. I will whisper into the night then into his ear “help me make it through the night.”

When I started this blog, I started it as a way to get it all out instead of keeping it in. I’d just met The Knight and I was in completely unfamiliar territory. Once I started blogging in earnest, people noticed. People emailed and left comments to let me know that I wasn’t really alone. I liked it.

As time passed, it also became a place to throw some of my writing, just to see what happened, to see what kind of response I got from it. Just like the blog itself, the feedback was overwhelmingly positive. I loved that people enjoyed what I wrote!

I just kept going. Through fights and times when The Knight and I quit, through cancer diagnosis and treatments, through it all. Head down, fingers flying, I just kept going. Then suddenly, I couldn’t. Real life was staring me right in the face like it had done with so many other bloggers that suddenly had to deal with people finding their blogs.

Once that happens, you’re forced to make decisions that you never thought you’d have to make. People have lost friends and family. People have been dismissed from positions in civic organizations. People have been fired from jobs. Some people have even lost custody of their children because of the words that they write on a page on a site under supposed anonimity.

Suddenly you’re left weighing the pros and cons. Yes, I love to write. No, I don’t want my church to know. Yes, I love the friendships. No, I don’t want my childs teacher to know. Yes, I love having something of my own, a piece of myself out there in the world that people respond to but I don’t (add your own reason here.)

That’s where I’ve been.

So here I am, fresh from my partially self-created cocoon. I’m fragile and I’m raw, but I’m growing. Against the elements of public scrutiny and hatred but with the love and blessings of my husband and my family, I’m undergoing a wonderfully gratifying transformation.