For My Babies

Two court dates this month. Life is more up in the air than ever. I am trying desperately to breathe and remember the important things, but it’s easier said than done. I know it’s not much of an update, but I promise more on Wednesday.

Right now, a song for my girls. A song for the two people in the world who give me the strength to keep on keeping on. I only hope that they know how very important they are to me.

One

It feels so odd to be writing this. I’m sitting by the phone waiting for the results of the scan I had on Wednesday morning, but there’s more. I’m sitting by the phone waiting to hear from my husband. My husband who left this morning without kissing me goodbye after yelling me for God only knows what.

The stress we’re under is unbelievable and lately it’s been taking its toll. We love one another, no doubt, but we’re only human. Between children and former spouses alone the stress is enough to make a sane person go crazy, but add cancer and all that goes with it to the mix and it’s a wonder we’re not both institutionalized. Where there are two unusually rational people there happen to be two people ready to go off at the slightest provocation and we have.

It’s been months but I’ve been cutting myself again. I know, I know…crazy, right? I know it is but I also know that just one small knick and I feel back in control. I feel alive. The numbness disappears and I am reminded that I’m still alive.

In spite of everything, I thought we were doing alright. I believed that we were handling it just fine. But I guess I was wrong, judging by this mornings explosion.

He’s never not kissed me before he walks out the door, but especially not when he’s going to work. He’s never not told me he loves me. I should be praying for good news from the doctor. I should be focused on the court hearings that I have coming up this month.

Instead I’m so very scared that two is quickly breaking into one.

Thank You For Loving Me

Enough said, my friends. Enough said.

Thank God For Kids

Today The Girls are going back to The Ex. It’s been one of the best weeks of my life, being able to hold them and spend time with them like we used to. Before cancer, before the jealousy, before adults forgot how to be adults.

I miss them already. They’re my life, my reason for living. Thank God for *my* kids.

Patience

I have absolutely none. Handing over control to The Knight and to God are huge deals because I want what I want when I want it. I don’t want to wait for things to change. I don’t want to wait for miracles to happen. If I can steer the car it will go in the direction I want as fast as I want.

The joke is on me. I was wrong. That’s not the way life works. Especially not when it comes to God or D/s relationships.

Thanks to cancer and The Knight I’m learning the lesson. Slowly. Painfully. Step by precious baby step. Still, I’m learning. That’s the important thing, right?

So here I am.

Sitting.

Waiting.

Hoping.

Learning patience.

A Trip Down Memory Lane: Find Me

It’s not very often that I allow myself to dwell on the past or wonder what might have been. Especially since finding The Knight, I’ve tried very hard to remain present in the here and now. Still, there are days that I can’t help drifting into the past, into a time when life was different than it is now.

I know I’ve mentioned Steve before. How could I not have? He was such a major part of my life for so long that not mentioning him would be leaving out a vital part of who I am. An amazingly handsome blue-eyed Brit with the power to melt me with just a smile. That was Steve. (Yes, that’s him in the picture. So very fine, don’t you think?)

He lived in London so a “relationship” was almost impossible. We talked about the future, about living there or him coming to The States, but I think we both knew that his life was there. With a family and a restaurant he couldn’t just up and leave, no matter how much he might have liked to, it just wasn’t possible.

I can’t even begin to tell you the effect he had on me. We emailed and instant messaged with the best of them. Yahoo voicechat was our best friend, even if it was more than a little unreliable. We’d hook up our mics, pop in a dvd and have date nights. Every night before bed we’d email our good nights. With the time difference it was perfect that his IM tone was my alarm clock. I was convinced that I had finally found the man of my dreams.

On my birthday one year I decided to take a trip to California. It was all very quick, totally impulsive. Friends were coming back from Iraq and I wanted to be there to see them. So, I hopped a flight and ended up spending the week just outside of Palm Springs, minus two days spent in Las Vegas with my friends and their significant others. It was the trip of a lifetime.

That was the last morning I’d heard from him. He emailed me on the morning of the 19th to wish me a happy birthday, then nothing. Days passed and I was more worried than ever. I knew his father had been sick and in the country they didn’t have access to a computer, so if he was there I wouldn’t hear from him. I pulled out the emergency contact info he’d given me and tried unsuccessfully to get in touch with his family.

Other than caring for the girls, my world stopped. I cried for days and then when I thought I would be alright, I cried myself to sleep at night. I couldn’t understand why he would just disappear without a word. I knew in my heart that something awful must have happened, I just couldn’t find out for sure.

Almost nine months later he responded to an email I had sent. I tried so hard to understand, but he wouldn’t let me in. He wasn’t the same person and by then, neither was I. Whatever we once had was long gone and my heart broke all over again.

Eventually the story came out. His father had passed away while I was in California. He’d tried to call me but I was gone and out of cell phone range. So he left for the family house in the country. Six days later his mother passed away and his family started fighting over the estate. It proved too much for him and he had a nervous breakdown.

I felt horrible for thinking the worst. I cried and apologized but that wasn’t the problem. He just wasn’t the same person anymore and he told me as much. I thought that I could be a good thing for him and booked a flight to London.

I never made it to London. Steve stopped me by telling me that he couldn’t be what I needed. He said we could be friends, but we both knew better. I tried and maybe he did too, but it just didn’t work. So, in 2005, after I met The Knight, I sent one last letter.

Usually I think that the past is best left where it is. Usually I walk away and never look back. I’m happy now. I’m in love with my husband and I have no desire to change anything about my life. Still, I can’t help but wonder. I can’t help but wish I could talk to him just one last time.

(From a cd that Steve sent to me, a beautiful song that moved me to tears. There’s no actual video for it, so just listen to the lyrics.)

Happy Birthday

Today is my birthday. Thirty-one and counting. Me…thirty-one. In my email this morning I received the standard junk mail reminders, tarot readings, and the two videos posted below. The Stevie Wonder video came from an old friend who always makes me smile. The Ronnie Milsap one is a mystery. I didn’t recognize the email address and the song itself doesn’t tell me much. So, if anyone knows who sent it, please let me know.

I’ve ended up having to give up chemo for this week because I am sick again. Strep throat and a sinus infection- oh joy. Still, I’m trying to remain positive. I’m even trying to be a little hopeful- if not for myself then for those that I love.

I wish I were closer to my friends and family. I miss the flowers and balloons. I miss the birthday toasts and the free drinks. I miss the dancing and the closeness. I’d love to make tonight a night to remember, a birthday among all birthdays. You know, just in case…

Thank you all for the thoughts and prayers. They get me through the tough times and they help me to remember that I have been so wonderfully blessed.

Never Saw Blue Like That

I’m sorry for laying low. They did chemo on Friday and it kicked me hard. I wasn’t expecting it until this week, but I really want to go into remission, so I figured I’d better get it done. Other than laying low?

I’m taking it all in. I’m soaking up every moment that life offers and I’m trying so hard to be positive. In my heart I’m not, but for the people that I love I really am trying. Why? Because they’re trying. Trying to remain positive, trying to encourage, and doing all they can do. Looking deep inside for even a spot of hope is the least I can do.

The spring sky is a beautiful shade of blue. It’s cold still, but the sun was out today and the blue was phenomenal. It reminded me of The Knights eyes. A blue so deep yet so bright that I couldn’t help but lose myself in them. I know until he looked at me, until he loved me, I never saw blue like that.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. If miracles can happen, they’ll happen because I am surrounded by amazing friends and family like you.

I Am Loved

I haven’t been myself. For the last two days I’ve been a soggy, sobbing mess. I watch the sunlight dancing off my wedding rings and it simply starts the tears all over again. My favorite place has become our bed buried beneath the comfort he bought for me when he thought he would be spending loads of time at my old apartment. That was the weekend he begged me to move in with him because he couldn’t stand the thought of being without me.

The tears stop for seconds at a time and I’m excited because I think that maybe this one will be the moment that I pull myself up and get back to being me. Then I’m reminded of all the things we planned to do together someday and there I go again. He’s touched my skin and made me feel so alive only to have to gather me in his arms and hold me like the child I feel like. And thinking about children just starts it all again. Round and round we go, where we stop nobody knows.

Mama showed up today to see me. I was so excited to see her, thrilled that she was here after not seeing her for what seemed like forever. I’m not the lying type, so I told her straight up what the doctor said. I have to give her credit for taking it well, but I know it was an act for my sake and that made my heart ache just a little more than it did before. For all the problems we’ve had and all the bumps in the road of life that we have shared I think we do pretty well. Today I think I finally told her so.

I talked to my girls today. I was so happy to hear their sweet voices in my ear. All I wanted to do was reach right through the phone and pull them to me. I wanted to hold them and laugh with them. I wanted to tell them all the secrets I have learned about love and life so that they know how to handle it when their turn comes. Mostly I wanted to tell them everything I possibly could because I am so desperately afraid that I won’t be here to tell them when the time is right. A million memories flashed through my mind and I knew that in a million years I could never love them as much as I did at that very second.

In a moment of desperation I decided to put together a compilation of songs for the girls. A soundtrack for my life if my life had been a movie. Songs that have touched me somewhere deep inside, songs that have gotten me through. When it’s finished I’ll add it somewhere to my sidebar and keep adding to it until I no longer can.

In all my self-pity and embarrassing lack of strength it hit me out of nowhere that I truly have a lot to be thankful for. My babies are beautiful and healthy, even somewhat well-adjusted despite having divorced parents. I know it will be hell missing all the moments of their lives, but they’re going to be alright. The guys are growing into decent young men and I like knowing that I’ve contributed something to that, something that won’t ever go away, even if I do. My parents and my sister will all be ok. They have spirit and faith to get them through and they have my girls to keep them on track.

Though it was a little late, I finally found my true love. At long last there was a man who came into my life and made it all alright. He’s held my hand and lifted my chin when I couldn’t do it myself. He married me knowing that there was a very real possibility of losing me early on in our married life. And tonight when I cried even more with my head against his chest and told him I felt so alone, he pulled me even closer and said “I’ve got you. I’m right here. You’re fumbling through the dark, but you’re not lost.”

If I know nothing else, I know that I am loved.

Cancer

I promised to update as I was able, so here I am. No doubt you miss the sex stories and the erotica, but there’s not a whole lot of that going on right now. However, you can always check the sidebar under Writing and find the oldies but the goodies.

After seeing the doctor yesterday the news is less than good. I told The Knight, of course, but I couldn’t tell Mama. So, I gave her the basics but the rest will have to wait until the next time I see her in person.

The plan of action?

To get as much done this month- as much chemo and radiation as possible. At the end of the month if there is not a significant improvement/reduction then that’s it. The doctor will send me home on hospice with comfort measures only.

He did tell me, of course. This time last year we knew that this was our last ditch effort. I was told that I probably wouldn’t see my thirty-first birthday, but it’s fast approaching. I keep thinking that maybe, just maybe, they will be wrong. Maybe March will be the month to turn it all around, the month that it all falls into place and miracles appear out of thin air. They warned me, so I knew that this was the possibility but I didn’t want to believe them.

I write here because this place is mine. This is my safe haven to say all the things that normally I hold inside. My body hates sitting here in the chair I fell in love with that The Knight bought for me because he saw how much I loved it, at the desk that he bought and assembled for me because it was girly and my favorite shade of white. The desk that houses cards from friends and family, pictures drawn by my babies, and love letters from my husband. The desk that has seen countless hours of writing and video game grinds (God how I miss World of Warcraft!) with my husband.

My husband.

Remember when I never thought it would happen? Now my last name is the same as his. He smiles and cries when he calls me his beautiful wife. He calls me beautiful with my hair shorter than his and my body shutting down! I always said the man was crazy, so I guess he keeps on proving it day after day.

We talked last night about the news from the doctor. The plan is to hold out hope for this month, to keep on believing that I’ll be the lucky one. (I think he needs it more than I do at this point, so I will do it for him.) When the month is over he will take a leave of absence from work to be with me. Then we will talk to the babies and make plans for the weeks that they say I will have left.

It all seems so surreal. All around me life goes on and I feel stuck, rooted in this place. Caught somewhere between life and death where the view never changes. It’s like watching a movie that someone else has made about me and my life.

I’m tired now. I’m sorry if you came here looking for a wank or voyeuristic fulfillment. None of that to be found here lately. If you’re still speaking to me, drop me a line. Tell me what’s going on your world.