I’m just taking it easy, trying to bounce back from a major knee injury. They’re saying a torn ligament, but we’re waiting for the radiology results to confirm. Thanks to comfortable positioning and some good pain meds, I’m feeling alright. Very mellow. Very Dan Fogleberg.
So how about joining me?
Just one more…
Last one, I promise. Of all his music, this one is my favorite.
To all of you, near and far, from me and mine. I hope your holidays are everything you hoped they would be. I wish you and yours peace and love and the happiest of all new years.
Oh so many things have led me to this place. I hang my head in shame. I cry hot and furious tears of humiliation then just as quickly wipe them away. I am not this woman and this is not the life I’d imagined.
It is so hard for me to accept the kindness of others, not because I’m ungrateful but because I’m not used to being in the position to do so. Please, before you think me ungrateful and wretched, hear me out.
Before this place, before this life, this was my thing. Paying it forward, making someones day, were the things I lived for.
I had a patient once, a beautiful baby girl with special needs, who belonged to a family so full of love that it broke my heart. The father lost his job when he was trying to care for his child and the mother was fresh out of rehab. Seeing her baby born with all the problems and deformities was enough to send her for help. This family was trying like hell to pull it together and keep it together, but they were struggling.
They had no Chrstmas tree. They had no money for presents. They could barely keep the power on for the machines to keep their baby going. Still, they held one another and laughed and tried desperately to make it a happy time for themselves and their other children.
Seeing that kind of love and devotion was all I needed. The family deserved someone to reach out to them. They were trying and to be commended. They didn’t need a hand out, they needed a hand up.
It was almost forty-eight hours later, on Chritsmas Eve at about a quarter to midnight when we finally got to their house. We weren’t Santa and my mothers Tahoe wasn’t a sleigh, but it was full to overflowing with clothes and food and presents. It was the least we could do for people who were trying so desperately to get it together.
In less than forty-eight hours we’d pulled together a miracle. A moment for a family that they would never forget. A miracle that the brought the parents and grandparents to tears.
I could tell you of the others, but they’re not important, really. I mean, those times were important to me, because I felt so right and so good about the smiles and relief on the faces of those I’d been blessed to know. But they’re just examples to you, words on a page that you may not even take the right way.
Now here I am, in a situation of my own that I’m so unsure of. These times are hard on everyone I know, not just my family. Still, so many of you have poured your hearts, souls, and blog posts into doing something amazing.
I feel so unworthy and saying thank you seems so inadequate.
I’m speechless. I’m emotional.
For those of you who love me, for those who still remember me…
I am humbled.
It’s the usual way of things, I suppose. You find a rhythm, you settle in. You plan your days around it, you look forward to what each new one holds and you’re unwilling to let it change, no matter what.
When The Knight told me he was going to ask for time off, I was against it. I truly believed in my heart that all we would do while he was home was argue and fight and I couldn’t handle that. I didn’t want or need any stress in my life and I absolutely didn’t want to fight with the man I loved.
Still, being the dominant man that he is, he did it his way. He made the arrangements that I never thought he’d make. He reworked the schedule and arranged a telecommute. For the love of all that was holy, he was going through with it!
As much as it shocked me, it worked out well. We got into a routine. He wanted to care for me, to show me that I was a priority. When the realization hit me, I let go and let him. After all, how many women would give their right arm for a husband like mine?
Letting go was the best decision ever…for both of us.
I got the rest I needed. I was able to nap and conserve my energies, able to focus them on healing. He got the satisfaction he needed by seeing that he could care for me. As good as it was for me, I think it was better for him.
But those times are over.
He’s on vacation for the rest of 2008 then it’s back to work. I know it has to be done. With only him working as it is, times are tough. And really, I’m better for the love and care he has given to me. I feel more rested and better able to fight.
But I’ll miss him being here. I’ll miss our fits of laughter. I’ll miss our naps and our afternoon lovemaking while the rest of the world rushes by outside our door.
I’ll miss the safety and security that came from having him so close at hand, but I guess all good things must come to an end.
Outside the snow had started to fall. The temperature had dropped and the house was finally silent. We had laughed and teased one another all day long, but it was late when we climbed the stairs and slipped between the sheets.
His arms pulled me close and held me tight. He whispered words of love and adoration, stopping in between sentences to kiss me and brush the hair out of my eyes. I sank into the mattress and into him, losing myself in the scent of his skin and the taste of his lips.
Without thought my hand slipped beneath the comforter and found his rock hard cock. I moved the linens away, leaving him exposed to the warm bedroom air as I stroked and teased the length of him. Barely a touch, never a grab to start him off.
“Kiss my mouth while you stroke me” he commanded.
He licked the palm of my hand and moved me back to his cock, past his gently rounded abdomen, then pulled me closer to him. My saliva slickened palm rubbed the head of his cock in slippery circles while I teased his mouth with tender kisses. Only a moment or two had passed when he whispered against my mouth, his tongue intermittently tangling with mine.
“God I want to fuck you!”
I kissed him a little more, pretending not to hear him. I moved my tongue to my palm and licked it, making sure to keep it moist while I teased and tantalized him. Only when he’s hard and wanting, yearning for release, do I feel sexy and seductive. I longed for the feeling, so I teased him a bit more before relenting.
“I want you in me” I muttered against his skin on my way to my hands and knees.
Seconds later he slid in, damp and sticky from our saliva. I moved against him, all but begging. I think I whimpered about loving the feel of him inside of me, about missing making love with him.
“I love you” he whispered gently.
His hands roamed my back and his nails left trails across my buttocks. He grabbed on tight and thrust, almost as if he couldn’t be deep enough.
That was all it took to send me over the edge. A good stiff cock and three little words and suddenly I was coming like there was no tomorrow. I struggled to breathe and wipe away the tears, thankful for the release but more thankful for the tenderness he’d shown.
{A side note-
I will be doing more toy reviews after the holidays. I hope to be feeling better by then and I hope to have more time. Things are crazy hectic right now, which I’m sure you all can understand.}
I’m sorry that I’ve been so out of touch. I know it drives people crazy and I try so hard to keep people in the know. Sometimes I just can’t keep up.
I’ve had a hard time bouncing back. Between the flu and being in extreme pain I haven’t slept much. We’ve been playing LoTRO quite a bit, so I’ve had something to occupy my time, keep my mind off being so damn miserable. (We’ve joined a pretty good kinship and had the extreme pleasure of meeting some truly awesome people!) Still, it feels like I’m on autopilot a lot of the time.
Well, it seems that Midphase finally fixed the problem. I’ve had fewer error messages. That’s a good thing.
Also, after talking to a few people and reading the comments left here, we decided against a morkie. We’re still getting the kids a St. Bernard for Christmas though. Having had them before, I know what great pets they make and I know how to care for them, so no worries there. The kids don’t know yet but they’ve been begging for weeks. I’m excited for them.
I’m really struggling right now. I need to finish reviews and I wish I could say that I was in the mood for them, but I’m not. To be honest, I’m too exhausted for sex. That’s not to say I don’t want to get off once in a while but seriously…sex is too much work when your partner won’t do his part. So, no love in the bedroom.
Financially it’s hellish. I’m not doing well on commissions and it’s been quiet on the freelance front. Holidays are always tough anyway, but this year is worse. It’s not a good thing and I hate feeling like I’m drowning.
My babies are growing into such beautiful young ladies. My oldest is stunningly beautiful for a child of almost thirteen. It worries me that she is growing up so quickly. My youngest has the biggest heart and the biggest brown eyes framed with beautiful dark lashes. They’re so bright and so brilliant that it takes my breath away. When I hold them, when they’re close, I feel like myself…like life is right. I am blessed, no doubt about it.
I’m still waiting on the results of my latest scan. I tell myself that no news is good news, but knowing the way I feel, I don’t believe it. My only comfort right now is knowing that the final plans have been made.
When this song came out, it brought me to my knees. Like so many others, it moved me…it spoke to me, for me, when I couldn’t speak for myself. And now I feel like I have come full circle.
I’m lonely and I’m scared but no one wants to hear it. No one wants to acknowledge what already is. This is my truth, my reality despite the woman the rest of the world sees.
…She wants someone to call her angel
Someone to put the light back in her eyes
She’s looking through the faces
The unfamiliar places
She needs someone to hear her when she cries…
Here’s hoping that each and every one of our friends and loved ones make it home for Christmas. Never forget that you’re in our thoughts and prayers. God bless and God speed.
I just wanted to let you know that I’m alive. This is just not a good time for me. I wish I was stronger. For myself…for them…for you.
Just a little more time. I just need a little more time.
I like to think that I am just your average fat bisexual submissive housewife with a heart of gold. When I'm not battling cancer I can usually be found tackling the joys and pitfalls that come with being not only an ex-wife and a mother but also a sexual abuse survivor. I believe that healing is possible even when it comes to sex lives. And when our house finally falls silent at the end of the day I chronicle my journey for the world to see. My writing covers everything from relationships and marriage to sex advice pieces and sex toy reviews.Soon I hope to begin podcasting and other collaborative projects. And if you didn't know it yet, I'm a comment and email junkie, so don't hesitate to drop me a line.
Email this post