When I first posted about the state of our union, I intentionally skipped over the whole sex and physical intimacy aspect. I couldn’t write about it because it hurt too much. Even now it’s not easy to write. It’s not easy to admit it to myself or to the world at large.
Some of you may remember that this started out as a D/s relationship. He called himself a dominant man and he said he was looking for a submissive woman. I wanted to be with a man who was a man, someone who could appreciate me as a woman. I wanted to do all the things that a woman does to make her man feel like the sexy, virile, in charge individual that he is.
Less than three months into it and I was topping from the bottom (at least from my perspective). He didn’t tell me what he wanted. He had absolutely no expectations of me outside of the oral and anal sex when he demanded it. I cleaned the house. I made the bed. I prepared his meals. I shaved the fertile delta and wore sexy lingerie. I made sure that I kept my submissive self in top condition should his dominant self decide to make an appearance.
We have rope in our closet that has never been used. My collar has been packed away for almost two years and has never been spoken of. He talks to his best friend who is active in the lifestyle and he pretends that we have a D/s relationship but we most certainly do not.
I don’t think he ever wanted a D/s relationship. He just wanted a partner that would do her fair share; someone who would be an adult and help him out once in a while. I think the fact that he never had to say anything to me about cleaning the house or doing the laundry was a relief. He didn’t have to pretend to be dominant and we didn’t have to argue about anything because I didn’t mind being his partner.
Our sex life is what it is. He loves foreplay so long as he is on the receiving end. If I am licking and touching and paying attention to his cock then it’s all fine and good. We all know that he won’t go down on me because “it’s not his thing” and that’s okay but what about some hands on stimulation? How about some hot dirty talk?
Nada.
Unless he is talking about me being with another woman. Then he has all sorts of things to say. On and on he goes and he doesn’t even notice that I’m not wet. He does what he is going to do and that is that.
In an argument the other night he remarked that he fucks me just to shut me up so he can get on to something enjoyable. I couldn’t believe that the same man who tells me I’m beautiful and sexy and seductive was the same man who told me that he only fucks me to shut me up. I just sobbed because how can argue against that kind of honesty?
I know I”m no Miss America. I know that I have lumps and bumps and wobbly bits galore. I know that I’m not every mans fantasy. But I don’t understand why he says he enjoys me or desires me if he doesn’t. And for crying out loud, if he doesn’t want to have sex once in a blue moon why doesn’t he just say so??
:::sigh:::
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. I took my vows seriously; I meant what I said when I said “I do” but none of this is what I agreed to.
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I like to think that I am just your average fat bisexual submissive housewife with a heart of gold. When I'm not battling cancer I can usually be found tackling the joys and pitfalls that come with being not only an ex-wife and a mother but also a sexual abuse survivor. I believe that healing is possible even when it comes to sex lives. And when our house finally falls silent at the end of the day I chronicle my journey for the world to see. My writing covers everything from relationships and marriage to sex advice pieces and sex toy reviews.Soon I hope to begin podcasting and other collaborative projects. And if you didn't know it yet, I'm a comment and email junkie, so don't hesitate to drop me a line.
10 Comments so far
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He wanted/wants a 50’s style housewife and that’s the sum of it. He doesn’t want a partner, not even a submissive one. He wants a maid, he wants someone he can put down to feel big. You deserve better than this, really you do. Seek out support and help, learn about your options and move on. Sorry to be so blunt but no one should put up with the things I’ve read in just a few entries and your tweets.
dharma´s last blog post..Winter Notes
By dharma on 02.25.09 10:59 am | Permalink
It always feels so weird to respond to such personal posts, while you know the person who wrote it doesn’t even know you. But I’m going to do it anyway.
Can I hug you? This sounds so… sad. And it also sounds like there is something wrong there. Let me rephrase that. It sounds like he is doing something wrong there. I suppose you have talked about it, I suppose you have tried to change things, but it didn’t. The things he now says to you is plain emotional abuse, if you ask me. I don’t understand why you went on marying him, if (important!) stuff like this was not going as you wanted from the start, but I don’t get marriage in America (right?) anyway. I cannot make your choices, but you have to make one in the coming time. Or to change the situation you’re in completely so you can be you again, or to step out of the situation.
I wish you all the luck and succes and everything!
By faery on 02.25.09 11:28 am | Permalink
I wish I had some comforting words of advice for you, but I wouldn’t know where to begin. I know the sadness of the unused rope and the collar put away in its jeweler’s box. Storm has never said the hurtful kinds of things you’ve been subject to, but the infrequent times we do have sex while she’s here I feel as if it’s just to shut me up for a while. And yet she says she loves me and wants me…
I know I’m a stranger, but sometimes it helps me feel a little better just to know someone out there kind of understands.
Dracona´s last blog post..Feeling loved and cared for
By Dracona on 02.25.09 10:27 pm | Permalink
You deserve more out of this relationship than you’re getting. A lot of men get lazy in their relationships and don’t change anything unless the other person demands it or breaks way. =( I really hope you can get him to work on this with you.
By Kitty on 02.26.09 9:35 pm | Permalink
Oh, Sweetie..what happens in marriages? I understand. I’ve been there. In some ways, am now.
I send you copious hugs and the wish that this year many things shift to the fulfillment of your dreams instead of shattering them.
gillette´s last blog post..What Is An Ugly Cock?
By gillette on 03.01.09 1:59 pm | Permalink
As recently as December, you were writing him about how much you loved him. Are you sure you are not jumping the gun? You have both been through a lot. Some counseling may be in order- maybe at a cancer center too (because they understand the stresses).
By gayle on 03.02.09 11:28 pm | Permalink
Mom Blogs - Blogs for Moms…
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By Anonymous on 03.03.09 6:10 am | Permalink
I’m going out on a limb, I believe I know more about you than you think, not because of anything ANYONE has said or told me. I simply know because, I was you. Make justifications, blame self, walk on all those egg shells, dress, clean, don’t make waves, he’s with me so I can’t be that bad and he must love me.
Where are YOU?? I’ll be blunt and say honestly, half your writing about The Knight was your dream and part fantasy, the tiny bits you could find then built mountains from.
YOU have a marriage, YOU have cancer, YOU are a grown woman, YOU have feelings, desires, dreams and a RIGHT to everyone of them. Now put your big girl panties on and quit dilly dallying around the scarey shit!!
Take a bite for yourself Butterfly, stand up, be strong, and let it loose, the fallout will come. There ARE soft places to land, and shelter for you. My opinion is The Knight is not so D as he is controlling, BIG difference. He handles you in some of the things he’s said and it pisses me off.
Out of the ashes that was your first marriage and an all but the fists battle with me we’ve risen to a level and relationship NO ONE I know understands.
I DONT CARE!!! It is what it is and I believe I have a right to say, with you or not, he has often not stood by you, but opressed you. Not to say the man doesn’t have good qualities but your are not the reason for the demise of anything in his life. You are his life, or so it should be.
Keep your chin up!!
My Love,
The Other Mother
P.S.
Congratulations on the weight loss!!!
By The Other Mother on 03.05.09 11:08 am | Permalink
Well, your husband wanted to have a slave for pleasure not a wife. That’s my perception..
By simplewoman on 10.16.09 12:36 am | Permalink
Hi.. You know what, I’m so sad while reading your article, it’s just like a confession being with your husband. Well, I’m a man and I do believe that you don’t deserve to be treated like that because just a woman how needs to be cherish and care with your man. There are really a lot of guys out their treating their partners so badly. You must find a better man that will treat you well. I hope we can be friends.. Take care..
By Ken on 10.23.09 4:15 am | Permalink
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