The Butterfly Temptress

I have been thinking a lot lately about letting go. I’ve been so tired and so unbelievably beyond words exhausted. Day after day I try to hold on and I try to fight but somewhere I am falling, failing, to get better. I’ve been thinking about letting go.

Then he holds me. Or I see my youngest baby smile. Then I wake up to his breath against my skin and his voice in my ear. Or my oldest laughs and throws her arms around me. In those moments I can’t give up. I have to fight until the bitter end.

I’ve been thinking about letting go. Giving up and giving in.

Then I see the people I love the most in the world counting on me. That’s when I know that I have to fight. For my life, for their happiness, for all time…and for our forever love.

I guess there’s not a lot to say. Summer is here, so I am spending time with my babies and loving being close to them. I’m hating the inability to do the things with them that I used to do, the seizures and the limitations, but having them here makes life a million times better.

For those who thought he was absolutely amazing, brilliantly funny and wise beyond his years, rest in peace George Carlin.

Thank you for your love and friendship. Thanks for the reminders to keep taking it slow, one sweet day at a time.

P.S.
We’re hanging in there. God knows it’s so very hard, but maybe we’re more tough than I gave us credit for. Most days the love and tenderness win over the thunder and lightning, so I think perhaps that’s the way it’s supposed to be. As for sex…wouldn’t you like to know. Soon, one day, I’ll dish. When it’s quiet, if you stick around, I’ll spill my guts the way I used to.

I’m still here. Still breathing and fighting. I wish I had Ted Kennedys physicians and his money but I don’t. So, we do what we have to do and put one foot in front of the other.

Sorry I haven’t updated. I don’t always have the energy to sit and write. Sometimes I play a game with The Knight and some friends we’ve made through our guild but other than that, mostly I sleep- a lot.

I have letters and cards that have been sitting on my desk for months. One day I will mail them. Maybe even before the next increase in postage. If I don’t, know that I love you regardless of whether I write or not. I’m just awful at being a friend.

That’s all for today. Hope you all are well.

Tell me why you’re here. What drives you here day after day, time after time? Stop sneaking around, trying to hide the fact that you visit. Just STOP! You have the life you want with the man you want, so go live it. Leave me to mine.

What is to be gained by coming here? You weren’t invited and you’re certainly not welcome. You don’t have to be told. You know it without anything being said. So leave quietly and never ever come back. Surely the knowledge of the heartache and pain you have caused is enough to keep you warm when nothing else ever will.

More than you or anyone else will ever know, I have finally seen the error of my ways. I don’t mention you or him or anything even related. I can do without your additions to my misery. Trust me, I have plenty of my own with you heaping it on. Everyone makes mistakes and though there are two sides to every story, you only hear one anyway, so why come here?

I am tired of fighting. I am sick to death tired of the bullshit and drama. I’m not in high school anymore and I didn’t steal your boyfriend. Whatever issues you have, please sort them out in your own backyard and leave mine alone.

This is the last time that I’m going to say anything. The fact is, it’s stalking, pure and simple. It has gone on for far too long, but no more. This is it. This is where it stops, this is where it ends.

So don’t go away mad, just go away.

I promised to update as I was able, so here I am. No doubt you miss the sex stories and the erotica, but there’s not a whole lot of that going on right now. However, you can always check the sidebar under Writing and find the oldies but the goodies.

After seeing the doctor yesterday the news is less than good. I told The Knight, of course, but I couldn’t tell Mama. So, I gave her the basics but the rest will have to wait until the next time I see her in person.

The plan of action?

To get as much done this month- as much chemo and radiation as possible. At the end of the month if there is not a significant improvement/reduction then that’s it. The doctor will send me home on hospice with comfort measures only.

He did tell me, of course. This time last year we knew that this was our last ditch effort. I was told that I probably wouldn’t see my thirty-first birthday, but it’s fast approaching. I keep thinking that maybe, just maybe, they will be wrong. Maybe March will be the month to turn it all around, the month that it all falls into place and miracles appear out of thin air. They warned me, so I knew that this was the possibility but I didn’t want to believe them.

I write here because this place is mine. This is my safe haven to say all the things that normally I hold inside. My body hates sitting here in the chair I fell in love with that The Knight bought for me because he saw how much I loved it, at the desk that he bought and assembled for me because it was girly and my favorite shade of white. The desk that houses cards from friends and family, pictures drawn by my babies, and love letters from my husband. The desk that has seen countless hours of writing and video game grinds (God how I miss World of Warcraft!) with my husband.

My husband.

Remember when I never thought it would happen? Now my last name is the same as his. He smiles and cries when he calls me his beautiful wife. He calls me beautiful with my hair shorter than his and my body shutting down! I always said the man was crazy, so I guess he keeps on proving it day after day.

We talked last night about the news from the doctor. The plan is to hold out hope for this month, to keep on believing that I’ll be the lucky one. (I think he needs it more than I do at this point, so I will do it for him.) When the month is over he will take a leave of absence from work to be with me. Then we will talk to the babies and make plans for the weeks that they say I will have left.

It all seems so surreal. All around me life goes on and I feel stuck, rooted in this place. Caught somewhere between life and death where the view never changes. It’s like watching a movie that someone else has made about me and my life.

I’m tired now. I’m sorry if you came here looking for a wank or voyeuristic fulfillment. None of that to be found here lately. If you’re still speaking to me, drop me a line. Tell me what’s going on your world.

Back to the doctor today, so not a lot of time to write. I don’t know when I will update again.

Though they said it would probably happen, I didn’t expect this. I didn’t expect to feel the pain so intensely. I didn’t expect to go downhill as quickly as I seem to be. Every day lately seems to bring with is something new, something else that I have to fight against. But I fight because I want to live. I fight because I want to grow old with my Knight. I fight because I want to see my babies grow up.

I’ve fallen down the stairs more. I can hardly see and there are days that holding on to even a cup of tea is almost impossible. The bleeding never stops from the front or the back and the pain is so intense that it makes me prefer labor and childbirth without drugs to this. But that’s not the worst.

The worst is the waiting. The knowledge of the dying process with a diagnosis like this. Will today be the day? How about tomorrow? The waiting and the fear of falling asleep and never waking up…those are the hardest things.

I am so happy. I am so incredibly loved at this moment in my life. All I want is to scream and stomp my feet while I cry out that this isn’t fair. It’s not supposed to happen this way. My life is beautiful, maybe even more meaningful now than it ever has been. Yet here I am, fighting this horrible illness that will take it all away. It’s hard to face the facts when you’re so sure that you’ll be the one time they’re wrong, that your life is worth a miracle.

It’s like dying in the sun.

When I’m able I will update, even if it’s short or just a video. Thank you for reading and for the thoughts and prayers. I’ll take them with me everywhere.

I haven’t made a habit of adding too many cancer blogs to my sidebar. I guess it’s pretty dumb when you stop to think about it, because this blog isn’t so much a sex blog anymore- at least not in the way that it once was. Funny, but cancer has that effect on people, I suppose. Why shouldn’t I add cancer blogs to my sidebar? This is my home after all. The place I come to when there is nowhere else, the one area that is mine to do with as I damn well please and if that includes playing Queen of Denial, so be it.

Tonight though I have realized the real reason that I don’t add most of the cancer blogs to my sidebar is that they terrify me. Each day I read and follow links to other blogs of people who haven’t beaten the odds. I read last entries of people on their last days alive or entries made by their spouses or families once they have passed and it makes me realize that the reality is what it is.

While there isn’t a doctor alive who can give any of us an exact time of death, we all die sometime. If you have cancer it will probably be sooner rather than later, but no guarantees there either. For almost two years now I’ve fought until I feel as if I have absolutely nothing left to fight with. So why am I still here? Why am I the one who gets to sit here and write yet one more blog post? There are so many others who aren’t- others who have fought harder with a better attitude for a longer amount of time, so why me?

*shrug*

I don’t have the answer. I don’t have any answers. All I have is some minuscule amount of hope left to get me through. I have family and friends that pray for me and love me when I don’t have it in me to love or pray for myself. If that’s you, thank you.

{Side note: I don’t know if I’m better or worse, but I’ll be going back to the doctor. I am still having trouble breathing and tomorrow is my last day of antibiotics. Being sick is a bitch but then again, so am I.}

While I’m not comfortable sharing the vows that The Knight wrote for me without his permission, I couldn’t help but share them here. If I’d had the wedding I’d hoped for there would have been so many of you present anyway, so here are the (somewhat long) words I spoke on the single best day of my life.

In the time that I have known you I laugh more and I smile more freely. Because of you I dare to dream. I love you for putting your hands into my battered heart and passing over all the foolish, frivolous, and weak things which you couldn’t help seeing there and for drawing into the light all the beautiful radiant things that no one else had looked quite deep enough to find. With tender and sincere words and selfless gestures you have helped to heal my soul. No longer am I alone.

I love you not only for what you are but for who I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself but for what you are making of me. And I love you for the parts of me that I never knew existed until our souls intertwined.

The events that have led us here today haven’t been easy. At times we have struggled and questioned not only one another but the direction of our relationship and the validity of all we hold dear. Despite all that life has thrown at us, here we are.

Today, my Knight*, as I give myself to you, my resolve is strong, and I stand before you free of reservation. The decision to share the rest of my life by your side is one that I make happily and with full confidence in our love. I am secure in the knowledge that you will be my constant friend, my faithful partner, and my one true love.

These are the promises I make to you…

I promise to love your children and to be the best parental figure I can be, remembering always that they are a part of you and as such, precious to me. I promise to give you the best of myself and ask of you no more than I myself can give. I promise to accept you just as you are, your weaknesses as well as your strengths. I promise to respect you as a person with your own desires and needs and to realize that they may be different at times, but no less important than my own. I promise to keep myself open to you, to let you see through the window of my personal world into my innermost fears and feelings, as well as my secrets and dreams. I promise to grow along with you, to willingly face changes as we endeavor together to keep our relationship alive, exciting, and going strong. Finally, I promise to love, honor, and obey you with all that I have to give, with all that I am, until my time on earth is through.

I don’t know how it happens but it does and I love it. Once again Jefferson has taken a peek at my little corner of the blogging world and decided to Fleshbot me for Making Up. Yay! So, if you’re here from that link, welcome and I hope you’ll come on in and make yourself at home.

We’d fought all day. Actually, we’d fought all night and into the early hours of the morning before we finally collapsed from sheer exhaustion. He stayed on his side and I stayed on mine, careful not to move or touch, barely sleeping. When we got up, it was more of the same. The day seemed to drag on forever and all I wanted was for the fighting to be over. Soon enough it was, but that’s not the point of this post. Too many times too many people post about the fights and not enough about the good stuff.

He pulled me close and I pressed my lips to his. Knowing we were both beat I wasn’t going to even bother trying to seduce him. Just a kiss good night. Then I saw him naked beneath comforter with his cock hard and I had to at least try.

I moved my mouth lower and captured his cock, sucking it deeply down my throat. He sighed and moaned, gently lifting his hips to thrust deeper into my mouth. I was hot, wet, and more than ready for my husband to make love to me. Then I heard his voice whispering quiet words of encouragement mingled with one of our hottest fantasies of late.

My hand caressed him as I moved to kiss his mouth once more. His tongue traced my ear and his breath made me shiver as he continued to talk about her, the one I long to touch once more. His hands grabbed my ass briefly before I slipped away once more to lavish praise on his engorged prick.

Before I knew it I was on all fours with him inside of me. He felt amazing and though we’ve been making love regularly, it felt like I’d not had him in ages. As he filled me with his cock, sliding in and out in a slow and steady rhythm I knew what I wanted but I was afraid to ask. Almost as if he were reading my mind he pulled out and asked if he could fuck my tight asshole. I nodded and he prompted me to get the lubricant, but I couldn’t be bothered. I wanted him right then and there without delay.

“Just get your cock nice and wet by being in my pussy then slip into my ass, please. I need you too bad to wait.”

And that is just what he did. It was slippery perfection as his throbbing dick stretched my ass and I knew the first orgasm was mere seconds away. Seconds later through a Percocet and lust filled haze I climaxed as he whispered his pleasure and grabbed onto my wide hips.

“Will you fuck me like this if she ever comes to visit? Will you put me on my back and fuck my ass while I lick her delicious pussy? That’s what I want. To feel you both at once, to experience something hot with the people I love and desire the most…”

Climax number two rocked through me and I felt him fight the urge to come as he told me emphatically that he would love to see us together like that. Time and again I came, milking him with an urgency that neither of us has known in such a long time.

I felt his fingers dig into my flesh, kneading and flexing. I squeezed and released the muscles of my ass to milk him properly, discontent to wait for him to come in his own time. Once more I came hard and finally coaxed the come from his delicious organ.

Fighting leaves an awful taste in my mouth, but there is certainly something to be said about the sweetness of coming together and making up.