Just a bit of fun on this cloudy Pittsburgh day. If you follow the link and do one of your own, please be sure to leave a comment or link back so I can see yours.

Get your twitter mosaic here.

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It seems that I am sleeping a lot more than usual lately. The doctors tell me it’s a good thing, to go ahead and sleep as much as I can because my body needs the rest. One trip up the stairs and I am completely knackered, in a hurry to slide beneath the blankets and slip into his arms.

But there are other things that I want; other things that leave me breathless and yearning.

I long to feel his hands tangled in my hair as he holds my head to his crotch. I ache to gag and cough from taking his cock too deep into my mouth. I want to be held in place and have my mouth filled to overflowing with his sweet and sticky essence.

In my heart of hearts I want to shrug off the love. Instead, I want to find my wrists and ankles bound with rope. I want to tug and struggle while knowing all along that there will be no escape until he says so. I want to cry and let go. I want to lose myself in the man who wields the flogger.

Right now I am tired of holding it all together. I am tired of being in control. I’m fed up with the passing hint of passion. I want full on desire and lust.

I want to skip a dose or two of pain medicine so I can feel the full effect of his hands against my skin. I want to be present and I want to be on fire. I want to kneel and serve and be completely at someone elses mercy.

And in the morning, I want to trace the black and blue marks with my fingertips. I want to walk gently because my fat ass has been used well. I want to close my eyes and remember every second of torture and torment; every second of exquisite ecstasy.

I just want to be me.

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I don’t think I knew the proper way to give a man oral pleasure until him. With his hand wrapped around mine to show me the proper rhythm and a steady stream of whispered instructions my face burned. For as long as I could remember I was told how well I did when it came to fellatio. Now I was being told that there was room for improvement.

I wanted to please him, so I kept silent. I listened to what he said and struggled to get it right. Less friction. Mind the sac. Smooth and fluid motions, girl. That’s it. Like that.

My head filled with thoughts of leaving him hanging. I mean, how dare he tell me how to improve? Then I realized that I was being given an awesome opportunity. I knew we wouldn’t last. I knew that this would not be the last blowjob ever, so why not look at the whole thing as sort of a blowjob boot camp?

The weekend continued on and I soaked his wisdom up like a thirsty sponge. I practiced and pondered. I experimented and exalted. And when the weekend was over, I walked away knowing that the weekend had been a waste of time in every other way, but at least I walked away with knowledge that most women miss out on.

To this day I remember every second of that weekend with him. Every single time I lay between The Knights thighs and touch my tongue to the tip of his cock, I remember what I was taught. When I have teased and tortured just enough to make him squirm and thrust his hips upward in an effort to finish deep within my throat, I remember.

Then I swallow every single drop. Just like I was taught.

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Please join me in celebrating a wonderful new home for Life. Love. Cancer! After months of thinking about it and wondering which direction to go with it, Life. Love. Cancer. will now have its own dot com.

We’re still working on it, tweaking and perfecting bits and pieces but so far, it’s a go. Not only will the articles have a place to live that is safe for work (and sharing among friends and family!) we will also be carving out a place for all things related. From news about the latest cancer research and technologies to relationship advice, Life. Love. Cancer. will cover it all.(For those who have asked for a place to share your thoughts on childhood abuse, we’ve included that too! As survivors, a place to gather and celebrate will be a wonderful addition.)

Thanks to everyone who made it possible. All the late night chats, last minute design tips, and pep talks really have paid off. Please be sure to join us and let us know what you think**.

**If you’re interested in contributing to Life. Love. Cancer please email us at [email protected]

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Not too long ago I was at my local Barnes & Noble looking for ways to pass time. I’d received a couple gift cards from people who know what a bibliophile I am and I couldn’t wait to use them. In the section where I always find the most lovely journals, I found a write-in book titled Love Listography by Lisa Nolan. As a way to keep myself busy and you (the reader) entertained, I won’t fill it out. Instead, I will post my answers here.

List The People You’ve Kissed

• Jason K.
• Jason L.
• Jamie T.
• Jamie S.
• Tarius
• Eric G.
• Conte
• Matt S.
• Eric W.
• Rodney B.
• Rodney P.
• Anthony
• Brian G.
• Beckie
• Christie
• Holly
• Jenn
• David B.
• Dawn
• Kurt
• Amy
• Brad
• Travers
• Brian B.
• The Knight

{It seems as if I have kissed more than my fair share of people and I’m not sure how I feel about it. Actually, it kind of makes me feel cheap and sleazy. Still, in an effort to be more open, to find out more about myself and where I have been, I think this is going to be a good thing to continue.}

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What? Sex 2.0
When? Saturday, May 9 2009
Where? Washington, D.C.

If you are part of the sex blogging CommUNITY at all, then you have already heard about, read about, or written about Sex 2.0. I didn’t hear about it last year, but once I saw Match’s Tweet about it, I needed to know more.

I read about the event in 2008 and knew immediately that I wanted to attend, no matter what. Then as I read a little more I knew I *really* wanted to attend but as I am not a conventional sex blogger, I worried that the fit might not be right. And their session topics? As much as I’d like to think that I’m evolved and educated, the truth is, not so much. I mean seriously, fat chick like me at an event with people like Audacia Ray, Catalina, and Ellie Lumpesse? Yeah right. So I put it on my back burner.

Time passed and more updates came. I mulled it over, subscribed to the Google group and let it settle in for a few days. I did an intro and expressed that I had no real experiences, so even if I attended it would be as an observer, not as someone who actually had something to say.

I registered for Sex 2.0 mere minutes ago. I reserved two tickets, one for The Knight and one for myself. Whether I have anything to say or anything of value to add, this is an event that I want to attend. I want to hear what the fabulously evolved and educated individuals have to say. I want to walk away knowing that I learned something new, something that I can carry into the rest of my life and apply that knowledge accordingly and (hopefully) for the greater good.

Some of the people you will find at Sex 2.o 2009

• Audacia Ray
• CARAS
• Cunning Minx
• Elizabeth Wood
• Ellie Lumpesse
• Erik Van Riper
• Match
• Melissa Gira
• Nikol Hasler
• NoVaHedonist
• Renegade Evolution
• Sabrina Morgan
• Viviane

So won’t you take the time and spend the weekend in with me in Washington D.C.? (Not for me, but for all the people listed above!)

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Right now, as we all know, the economy sucks. We’re passing on the cruises and the trips in favor of saving our pennies for a rainy day. Instead of dining out, America is staying home and making use of the sky high utilities for cooking things like pigs in a blanket and shepherds pie. For those if us who are against Kraft mac n cheese and Cup o Noodles, what choices do we have?

I finally found an answer for this wanna-be foodie-

BrokeAss Gourmet

That’s right. BrokeAss Gourmet has the answers foodies living on a budget have been looking for. So cruise on over and have a look. Be astounded. Then be sure to pass it along to all your wanna-be foodie friends. Then get rid of the ramen.

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When I first posted about the state of our union, I intentionally skipped over the whole sex and physical intimacy aspect. I couldn’t write about it because it hurt too much. Even now it’s not easy to write. It’s not easy to admit it to myself or to the world at large.

Some of you may remember that this started out as a D/s relationship. He called himself a dominant man and he said he was looking for a submissive woman. I wanted to be with a man who was a man, someone who could appreciate me as a woman. I wanted to do all the things that a woman does to make her man feel like the sexy, virile, in charge individual that he is.

Less than three months into it and I was topping from the bottom (at least from my perspective). He didn’t tell me what he wanted. He had absolutely no expectations of me outside of the oral and anal sex when he demanded it. I cleaned the house. I made the bed. I prepared his meals. I shaved the fertile delta and wore sexy lingerie. I made sure that I kept my submissive self in top condition should his dominant self decide to make an appearance.

We have rope in our closet that has never been used. My collar has been packed away for almost two years and has never been spoken of. He talks to his best friend who is active in the lifestyle and he pretends that we have a D/s relationship but we most certainly do not.

I don’t think he ever wanted a D/s relationship. He just wanted a partner that would do her fair share; someone who would be an adult and help him out once in a while. I think the fact that he never had to say anything to me about cleaning the house or doing the laundry was a relief. He didn’t have to pretend to be dominant and we didn’t have to argue about anything because I didn’t mind being his partner.

Our sex life is what it is. He loves foreplay so long as he is on the receiving end. If I am licking and touching and paying attention to his cock then it’s all fine and good. We all know that he won’t go down on me because “it’s not his thing” and that’s okay but what about some hands on stimulation? How about some hot dirty talk?

Nada.

Unless he is talking about me being with another woman. Then he has all sorts of things to say. On and on he goes and he doesn’t even notice that I’m not wet. He does what he is going to do and that is that.

In an argument the other night he remarked that he fucks me just to shut me up so he can get on to something enjoyable. I couldn’t believe that the same man who tells me I’m beautiful and sexy and seductive was the same man who told me that he only fucks me to shut me up. I just sobbed because how can argue against that kind of honesty?

I know I”m no Miss America. I know that I have lumps and bumps and wobbly bits galore. I know that I’m not every mans fantasy. But I don’t understand why he says he enjoys me or desires me if he doesn’t. And for crying out loud, if he doesn’t want to have sex once in a blue moon why doesn’t he just say so??

:::sigh:::

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. I took my vows seriously; I meant what I said when I said “I do” but none of this is what I agreed to.

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I suppose I have been lazy enough this week, so I’ll take the time to do a post and let you know how things have been going. If there are lots of typos and errors with my grammar, just blame the meds and don’t give me too much of a hard time, please.

Monday was the first day of the second phase of the clinical trial. I didn’t expect it to go smoothly because nothing ever does, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it might be. This time around they won’t be giving me anti-seizure medication. It’s part of their control plan and they want to be sure that the chemo is actually doing the trick. If you ever want to feel like a guinea pig, take part in a clinical trial. At the end of the day you will know your place in the world, I promise!

So Monday they gave me two bags of intravenous chemo. It was to be my loading dose of meds but I will also go back in six weeks for two more bags. In the interim I am on three other chemo drugs by mouth. I take one drug for one week then two others for six more weeks. I have a schedule set up on my Nintendo DS to keep me on track, because there is no way that I would be able to keep it all straight on my own simply because my brain isn;t what it used to be.

The oncologist is the same bitch that I had before that insisted on treating me differently because I was (as she put it) “so grotesquely overweight.” I filed a complaint and she was brought in front of the hospital board and fined for her behavior. Needless to say, she is not happy with me and she let me know it. I have lost eleven pounds since my last appointment and her response to it was (and I quote) “Given how overweight you are, eleven pounds is really nothing but I will make a note of it on your chart.” So, I filed yet another complaint. I *know* that I’m fat. The whole world knows that I’m fat. If she has an issue with it, then she needs to deal with it and *not* hold it against me while I am participating in the trial. It’s unprofessional behavior, period.

Since it is a controlled clinical trial they do not give any other meds to patients outside of the ones that they have already requested/disclosed. So it is up to each patient to discuss pain medication and anti-nausea meds with their primary care physician. Since I am not covered for anything cancer related under our insurance I had to see someone other than my primarcy care physician who only covers insurance related things. It was an all day trip by car to see my old primary care physician but in the end it was worth it. He gladly did an exam, looked at the information in my records, then sent me on my way with pain *and* nausea relief. Yay for my doctor!!!

{Let me take a minute to tell you how awesome Mama has been. She did all the driving on Tuesday so that The Knight could work. She helped me fill out the papers I needed to fill out and made sure I was okay during the car ride. She took the day off to help me so that this time around I could have something to help me deal with chemo a little better than before. She is so unbelievably awesome!}

As for The Knight and I…

That’s a post for another time; a time when the wounds haven’t been rubbed raw and time has numbed me just a little more. God knows we’re trying, struggling with ourselves and with one another, to get through this with our love in tact. I don’t know that it will work, but at least we can say we tried, right?

:::sigh:::

But for the grace of God go I

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Right now I sit here wrapped in a tattered old towel, still dripping from a lukewarm shower. My fingers tremble and my tummy is rolling. I know that this is really nothing new, this visiting the oncologist. It’s old hat. Still, it isn’t and I am so very nervous…and excited…and terrified.

Today begins Phase II of the clinical trial and nothing else matters. Not my marriage. Not our finances. Not the fact that my 32nd birthday is right around the corner. I am focused simply on the here and now, on the possibilities and promises this next phase hold for me and my life.

My bag is packed for the day ahead. My pink laptop. My pink Zune. My pink Nintendo DS. A blank notebook to jot down thoughts and questions. Everything I need to keep the boredom at bay until my turn comes.

I need to be present. I need to let all the rest slip away and stay focused on remission. One step, then another and another until I get to where I want to be. Oh yes, being alive now, when they swore I wouldn’t be is a huge thing, but it is not enough. Only remission is enough.

So this moment, this day is for me. For my health; for my well-being; for the rest of my life.

May today be as full of hope and promise for each and every one of you.

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