I don’t know where this post will go but I assure you it is likely to be a long and wild ride. I feel like it’s been ages since I have had the energy to write much of anything, so it is a good thing to be sitting here in the wee hours of the morning.
Only two more weeks until the new round of therapy starts. I don’t know much about it yet, other than this is a cancer specific drug that will target the tumor we’re most concerned about. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that it will be oral chemo but I’m not hopeful. More than likely it will be IV once again. This time around I’m going to get more rest and simply exist while the medication does its job. I need to avoid neutropenia at all costs, especially with flu season right around the corner. I know that I have to do all those things and maintain a positive attitude to experience the best possible results.
The pain meds just aren’t cutting it. I hate to take them but sometimes they are the only thing that allow me a little rest and relief from the headaches. The seizures bring their own issues. Hopefully when I return in two weeks the oncologist will reevaluate the pain management plan and allow me to have something a bit stronger. Until then, only two things seem to really make a difference- hot showers and orgasms. (If you don’t believe me, read more about pain management techniques here.)
The Knight has been absolutely wonderful. He showers with me to ensure my safety and to help me if I need it. When the seizures rear their ugly head, he holds me and talks to me, making sure that I’m back without any lasting issues. We haven’t argued or fought in ages and it feels really good. We’ve talked and started to make arrangements for things like funerals and wills so that there will be no questions when the time comes. It’s not easy on either of us, but it really feels like we’re pulling together instead of flying apart. And it shows in our lovemaking.
Gone are the days where I was frustrated by the lack of foreplay and attention. Instead, we’re at a place where we instinctively slip into the routine that suits us both at the moment, though usually it’s what suits him. Our needs just seem to mesh seamlessly and without hesitation. The love is mixed with a lust so desperate and so tangible that I can hardly believe that I am finally experiencing this wondrous thing even as I face death.
Sometimes I want to scream. I want to rant and rave and throw things. I want to curl into a ball in our bed and wish it all away. My heart and my head can only agree that this is by far the most unfair thing ever, at least for me. Then I pull my head up and my shoulders back. I admit that it isn’t fair but in the end, isn’t it much better to have had this time together, to love and to experience such emotional intensity than to have never had it at all?
I’m not strong. I’m scared and I’m lonely. I’m wondering where my supposed friends have gone and why they are so afraid to be with me now when I need them the most. Still, I try to remember that I am not weak per se. I’m simply human. All the things that I am thinking and feeling are normal for the circumstances I find myself in. I only wish I weren’t here on my own, ya know?
That’s all for tonight. Just a few of the random thoughts tumbling around. I’m going to go to bed now, to sleep in the arms of an angel.
5 Responses
Nina van der Roos says...
My heart goes out to you and I wish I could give you a hug and take away some of your fears if only for a few moments. My wife (lesbian couple) recently had neuro surgery and for a few days there was the very real prospect that I might loose her and the thought of that was almost paralyzing to me, our three children were all that dragged me through. Watching her enduring the seizures prior to the surgery was torture when all I could was hold her, thank goodness they have stopped now. Now she is home and despite the blindness (as a result of the surgery) in addition to her being profoundly deaf already, she carries on, always fighting. I know inside she is terrified all the time, I know she feels dreadfully alone even with all of us around her so I can appreciate how you are feeling. I wish I could say more, something to help you but of course I can do no more than think of you today and tell my wife Judith about you (via signing onto her palm in case you were wondering) so that you will know that here in Holland someone has you in their thoughts. Love Nina.
His bliss says...
I’m sending you lots of hugs and good thoughts. I wish I was there to give you hugs in person. Keep your head up hun, and know that you are in my thoughts and my prayers. xoxox
Robin says...
I think friends disappear because they are afraid of the disease. They just don’t know what to say or how to comfort you (plus most folks don’t deal with the topic of death) - not understanding that sometimes all you really need is just their friendship and their presence in your life. Hopefully they figure that out and come back around. ~hugs
gilette says...
Oh, gal…at least the two of you sound like you’re connecting and that you are feeling supported with the two of you sharing love….cuz, in the end, isn’t that what it’s all about? Life is short no matter who we are or our circumstances. I think of you. If I was close, I’d come visit, make you tea and hold your hand.
Terry says...
Dear Sweet Sis,
Sometimes people are afraid of saying the wrong thing and hurting an already bruised heart even more. I don’t know what to say a lot of the time, but I want you to know that I love you, and that my life has been better because I’ve known you.
You are always on my mind, and in my heart.
much love forever, but NEVER goodbye,
Terry