The Butterfly Temptress

While I’m not comfortable sharing the vows that The Knight wrote for me without his permission, I couldn’t help but share them here. If I’d had the wedding I’d hoped for there would have been so many of you present anyway, so here are the (somewhat long) words I spoke on the single best day of my life.

I’m the time that I have known you I laugh more and I smile more freely. Because of you I dare to dream. I love you for putting your hands into my battered heart and passing over all the foolish, frivolous, and weak things which you couldn’t help seeing there and for drawing into the light all the beautiful radiant things that no one else had looked quite deep enough to find. With tender and sincere words and selfless gestures you have helped to heal my soul. No longer am I alone.

I love you not only for what you are but for who I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself but for what you are making of me. And I love you for the parts of me that I never knew existed until our souls intertwined.

The events that have led us here today haven’t been easy. At times we have struggled and questioned not only one another but the direction of our relationship and the validity of all we hold dear. Despite all that life has thrown at us, here we are.

Today, my Knight*, as I give myself to you, my resolve is strong, and I stand before you free of reservation. The decision to share the rest of my life by your side is one that I make happily and with full confidence in our love. I am secure in the knowledge that you will be my constant friend, my faithful partner, and my one true love.

These are the promises I make to you…

I promise to love your children and to be the best parental figure I can be, remembering always that they are a part of you and as such, precious to me. I promise to give you the best of myself and ask of you no more than I myself can give. I promise to accept you just as you are, your weaknesses as well as your strengths. I promise to respect you as a person with your own desires and needs and to realize that they may be different at times, but no less important than my own. I promise to keep myself open to you, to let you see through the window of my personal world into my innermost fears and feelings, as well as my secrets and dreams. I promise to grow along with you, to willingly face changes as we endeavor together to keep our relationship alive, exciting, and going strong. Finally, I promise to love, honor, and obey you with all that I have to give, with all that I am, until my time on earth is through.

I can’t imagine that what I’m about to write is going to make much sense to anyone, if any sense at all. Even after days of being in this new place I don’t fully understand it myself and trying to explain it may prove more than difficult. Still, I have to try because it is so important. It has been an absolute turning point.

Friday when The Knight came home I knew immediately that something was different. He looked the same, smelled the same, and even tasted the same when he kissed me hello. In his demeanor and the way he carried himself was a sense of strength and integrity that I hadn’t seen in a very long time.

As I listened to the man who has shared my life intimately for the last three years I couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down my face. My heart raced and my breathing grew ragged; my chest ached and I was sure that the end had finally come. No one person could possibly stand the roller coaster for as long as he has and still want to ride. Every fear, every doubt, every insecurity showed on my face and I felt my control begin to slip.

He paused for a breath and I let loose. I told him that I wished he would have told me before he married me that he couldn’t handle it. I yelled about the injustice of being put in a position to have no choice but to once again admit defeat. I lamented the unfairness of changing so much to please him that I could barely recognize myself. Until I couldn’t breathe enough to speak, I cried and I raged, inconsolable and out of control.

Until he sat beside me on our bed and pulled me close.

“What I was trying to tell you if you would have let me finish is that I’m here for the long haul. I’m not going anywhere, not now. Not ever. I married you because there is nowhere else I’d rather be and no one else I want to spend my life with.”

I was so ashamed, but at the same time I suddenly felt so free. As he continued to talk and open his heart to me I felt my heart soar. All the love and hope that I felt, the intensity of the emotions welled to overflowing and I was sure my heart would burst. I let the walls fall and instead allowed myself to be surrounded by his loving arms.

In the days that have passed the bond has only become stronger. Gone are the pretenses and tiptoeing. The walls that I’d built to protect myself as a child have started to crumble and disappear by the second and there are no words to describe how it feels to trust and believe in someone so completely. Every conversation, every touch has been another fiber that weaves us into one incredible being.

Never have I felt closer to The Knight and I see it in his eyes that he feels the same. We’ve opened up to one another and blossomed beyond our borders in a way that I’d only dreamed we could and it has made every day so amazing. Our differences are there, but they’re no longer the focus, instead our love is. The time spent worrying about our relationship, my submission and his Dominance are moot. In getting rid of the walls we’ve once more allowed the trust and lifestyle to flow freely.

In all my dreams, through all the days of my short life, never could I have imagined something so undeniably perfect as when our two became one.

I don’t know how it happens but it does and I love it. Once again Jefferson has taken a peek at my little corner of the blogging world and decided to Fleshbot me for Making Up. Yay! So, if you’re here from that link, welcome and I hope you’ll come on in and make yourself at home.

I’ve just finished up three days of sitting with Mama. Rather, she sat with me. As amazing as it sounds, we didn’t fight- not even once! I had a good time and I think she did too. It was comforting to have her here so that I didn’t have to be alone and I know The Knight felt better having her here as well. Now I’m just sitting back letting the worries go with a very deep sigh.

We talked a lot while she was here about a lot of things. I was grown up enough to ask for her thoughts and opinions and child-like enough to listen because she is very important to me. I know that even though I am the one that is sick, she is one of the ones who is going through this in her own way. So I listened and tried to understand things from her point of view. It made me realize that we’re not so different after all.

The Knight and I have had a rough week. Work has been insane for him and it seems that I have been more sensitive than usual. I’ve spent too much time in tears and not enough time focused on the positive aspects of my life or my relationship with the man who gladly shared his last name with me. I’m trying but changing your focus and retraining yourself to let go and breathe after clinging and hyperventilating is so very difficult. It is definitely not for the faint of heart.

Our relationship seems pretty vanilla lately and I don’t know why. I miss the D/s and BDSM aspects of who we were but honestly, where do we find the energy? Between work, kids, life, and cancer there doesn’t seem to be any time left for the bells and whistles, just the basics. I wish I knew how to get it back, but I don’t want to “top from the bottom” and I don’t want to add one more worry to his already full plate. I want to ease his tension and soothe his weary soul like he does for me.

So, I try to remember the goal and where we are in our lives. I try to shrug off the snappy remarks and the grumpiness and hold him close. I am trying to ask for what I want and need without worrying that it inhibits my ability to submit to him. More than that, I’m starting to slowly but surely give up worn out wishes and live in the real world instead.

We’d fought all day. Actually, we’d fought all night and into the early hours of the morning before we finally collapsed from sheer exhaustion. He stayed on his side and I stayed on mine, careful not to move or touch, barely sleeping. When we got up, it was more of the same. The day seemed to drag on forever and all I wanted was for the fighting to be over. Soon enough it was, but that’s not the point of this post. Too many times too many people post about the fights and not enough about the good stuff.

He pulled me close and I pressed my lips to his. Knowing we were both beat I wasn’t going to even bother trying to seduce him. Just a kiss good night. Then I saw him naked beneath comforter with his cock hard and I had to at least try.

I moved my mouth lower and captured his cock, sucking it deeply down my throat. He sighed and moaned, gently lifting his hips to thrust deeper into my mouth. I was hot, wet, and more than ready for my husband to make love to me. Then I heard his voice whispering quiet words of encouragement mingled with one of our hottest fantasies of late.

My hand caressed him as I moved to kiss his mouth once more. His tongue traced my ear and his breath made me shiver as he continued to talk about her, the one I long to touch once more. His hands grabbed my ass briefly before I slipped away once more to lavish praise on his engorged prick.

Before I knew it I was on all fours with him inside of me. He felt amazing and though we’ve been making love regularly, it felt like I’d not had him in ages. As he filled me with his cock, sliding in and out in a slow and steady rhythm I knew what I wanted but I was afraid to ask. Almost as if he were reading my mind he pulled out and asked if he could fuck my tight asshole. I nodded and he prompted me to get the lubricant, but I couldn’t be bothered. I wanted him right then and there without delay.

“Just get your cock nice and wet by being in my pussy then slip into my ass, please. I need you too bad to wait.”

And that is just what he did. It was slippery perfection as his throbbing dick stretched my ass and I knew the first orgasm was mere seconds away. Seconds later through a Percocet and lust filled haze I climaxed as he whispered his pleasure and grabbed onto my wide hips.

“Will you fuck me like this if she ever comes to visit? Will you put me on my back and fuck my ass while I lick her delicious pussy? That’s what I want. To feel you both at once, to experience something hot with the people I love and desire the most…”

Climax number two rocked through me and I felt him fight the urge to come as he told me emphatically that he would love to see us together like that. Time and again I came, milking him with an urgency that neither of us has known in such a long time.

I felt his fingers dig into my flesh, kneading and flexing. I squeezed and released the muscles of my ass to milk him properly, discontent to wait for him to come in his own time. Once more I came hard and finally coaxed the come from his delicious organ.

Fighting leaves an awful taste in my mouth, but there is certainly something to be said about the sweetness of coming together and making up.

His hand in mine as we lay side by side on the bed watching a movie.

His arms around me in the wee hours of the morning when I can’t sleep or when I have a bad dream.

His breath against my skin.

Reaching for one another as the lights go out, our bodies joining without so much as a word.

The sound of his footsteps echoing as he rushes to help his klutz of a wife up off the floor.

Forgetting why it was that you wrote erotica in the first place, because the reality is so much better than the fantasy.

Midnight runs to a restaurant in the pouring rain just because he likes making midnight memories with his wife.

Tears in his eyes when he is overcome with emotion.

An apology whispered and silently accepted with a kiss and a sigh.

A justice of the peace in the park on a September day.

A ring and a promise.

Faith.

Trust.

And for us, now more than ever…

Love is hope, even in the face of insurmountable odds.

I know I haven’t posted in a few days and for that I apologize. As so many bloggers know real life has a way of interfering with our best laid plans. We try to post as often as we should or as often as we have promised ourselves but we simply cannot for a myriad of reasons. My reasons?

The Knight and I have been working it all out. We hit a really rough patch because of life’s varying circumstances and it took time to get through the hurt to the place where the healing could start. Love and marriage are hard, much harder than I ever imagined. Now, when all I want more than anything is to spend the rest of my life with him, it’s almost impossible sometimes to forgive the nasty words and hurtful actions and remind myself that this is where I want to be. In loving him and marrying him I have willingly given him the power to hurt me, to build me up or tear me down and when he takes those liberties it hits hard and it leaves me stunned.

Still, here I am. He’s asked me time and time again why. For every time he asks, my answer is always the same. I love him. I love what we share when we’re not tearing one another apart. More than that, I believe in us, in the power we have together as a couple, as best friends and lovers united together to take on the world. In almost three years, my love for him has remained. It’s changed, from superficial to real and meaningful, but it’s remained. We both know how hard it is to find what we’ve found with one another.

In addition to marital growing pains, I’ve had the pain that comes with cancer. (Cancer. What a small word for something so huge and so powerful.) I’m having seizures now that the cancer has progressed. I didn’t know it until recently and until the tumor is dealt with in my head, they’re likely to stay. So, what once was an inconvenience has now become an actual issue that I have to deal with.

I’m not driving and some days I can barely see the television or the computer monitor. Reading a book is fine, but walking isn’t. In the last week I have fallen down the stairs three times and ended up with various bruises and a concussion. Oh the glamour that is cancer! Since things are the way they are we’ve had to adjust our lives accordingly. Lots of things are changing and I don’t know how to feel about it.

Among the changes is a sofa bed that will be making up the “sitting room” portion of our home that is technically the foyer. I hated spending the money on it, but it couldn’t be helped since I can’t maneuver the stairs. I know I’m sick and it’s not just a desire, but I feel guilty about the purchase. With The Knight working downtown three days a week however, I had to find a way to be able to sleep downstairs to avoid going up and down the stairs alone while he’s gone. It was a compromise.

Someone is going to be coming to be with me two of the three days he works downtown. It may be my mother or it may be someone else, but being alone isn’t safe, so I have to accept it. The thought of being so sick that I need someone with me almost constantly is incredibly hard to handle. I have always been fiercely independent and it just goes against everything I’ve ever known, everything I have ever wanted. Yet again, it was a compromise and one more thing that I have to accept.

Acceptance is a difficult thing. I love my husband and I know he loves me, but I hate putting him through this. Asking anything of my mother or my sister leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I’ve explained it to the people that I love the best way I know how and while they kind of understand, the really don’t. Instead of sympathy or empathy, I get a variation on the speech that we all fall down and sometimes I’ve caught them or helped them up but now they want to catch me and help me up. It’s a valid point. I guess in the course of our lives we all fall down.

{I think that’s it for now. If you’re bored, don’t hesitate to drop me an email. I haven’t been able to afford a laptop yet, but I can check my email on my PSP. It’s lonely around here for me, so It wouldn’t be a bother. I’d love to hear from you.}

For better or worse, this is the place that I am. This is the life that I have helped create with my tongue biting and my subservience. I have twisted and turned myself inside out, into something that I barely recognize anymore. I don’t wish for anyone else, only for the man he used to be.

Somewhere along the way I convinced myself that I didn’t need anything. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I also convinced him that I didn’t need anything. Now, the fact is, I do have needs. Not only sexual, but emotional. I need to look into his eyes and see that all is well in this world we’ve built around ourselves.

I’ve torn down the pedestal and accepted that he really is just a man. He is flawed, just like me, like all the other men of the world. He also happens to be the man that I love more than life itself. The man that I reach out to even when the pain is unbearable. He is the man that I cling to even as he tears me apart.

I can’t reconcile that man with the one who seems genuinely concerned. Nor can I believe that the same man who breaks my heart time and time again is the same one who promised to cherish me and the love we share for the rest of our lives. Still, I try. Day after day, night stretching into another lonely night, I still try.

We love one another but we are not without our issues, our petty arguments and disagreements. We are not infallible. God knows I wish we were, but I know all too well that we’re not. I just wonder if it’s enough to get us through and over to the other side.

Even as I ask the question, my heart threatens to speak over me and remind me of all that is right and good about the relationship that we share.

I lifted this idea from an awesome blogger, Heather at This Fish. I liked the idea so I figured I’d give it a shot. Now I have to wonder if too many people who know me in real life read this blog to follow through? Oh yeah…but I don’t care. Here goes!

You probably didn’t know that I cried when I found out that Heath Ledger died. Like Heather, Princess Di also made me cry. How could I not have cried? In kindergarten we all wanted to be her, with her fairytale life and her wedding gown that went on and on. Later on I realized that I really didn’t want to be her because her life wasn’t as wonderful as she deserves. Still, I liked who she seemed to be. Especially once she stopped making her apologies to everyone for everything. Heath was no different. He chose his roles carefully and put his little girls first. Even in his death where people look so closely for scandal, he’s making no apologies because there is no scandal to be found. I like that.

I used to love Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. Now I like the cheap Wal-mart Blue Bunny brand, plain vanilla with a tiny drizzle of Hershey’s chocolate syrup. I wish I could cook like they do on the Food Network. I also watch wedding shows faithfully. It’s my one guilty pleasure.

You probably didn’t know that sex toys no longer excite me the way they once did. Oh, I like them just fine, but I like my husband much better(God how I love calling him my husband!). Like masturbation no longer leaves me breathless or able to climax, toys are the same. Fun, sure but not a means to an end like they once were.

I had a dream of our child once. Just one dream of a little girl that was the reflection of the two of us. She was beautiful with her ebony curls and bright blue eyes framed by thick lashes, her tiny mouth in the shape of a perfect cupid’s bow. I held her close and nursed her as The Knight laid beside us and watched in awe. When I awoke the tears had made my pillow wet and I wished more than anything that I had the courage to wake him up and share it with him. Instead I journaled about it and I named our angel Colleen Renee.

I miss Mama like crazy. It’s silly but I wish she lived closer and I wish I could see her every day. People don’t understand, but we’re cool like that. In the last few weeks I’ve started keeping in touch with my sister again. It feels good and like Mama, I wish I could spend more time with her too.

You probably didn’t know that I’ve let go of a lot of the things I’d been holding on to. I smile more and I try to relax more. Believe it or not, I’m trying to receive more. I’m taking a step back and allowing him to love me back. Oh and you probably didn’t know that my Zune is nowhere near full, but on it you’ll find an eclectic mix of music and podcasts.

I can’t sleep at night without the help of some sort of meds, but it’s not a problem during the day. I like myself. Not the tummy or the thighs, but as a whole I’m finally ok with just being me. I still long for diamonds and for Paris but not for constant reassurance. I still can’t lie to save my life, so I don’t even try.

I think I’m pretty good at this whole love thing. I think many men would be lucky to have someone like me, but I think very few are worthy. It’s not about being cocky. It’s about being honest and I am. The coolest thing is- my husband(told you I loved it!) knows he’s lucky. We both know how rare it is to have what we have and on our worst days we’d still rather be right where we are than anywhere else.

If I had the money I’d start an even planning business because I love it. And I know I’d be good at it. Not to mention the fact that Pittsburgh could use a good one! My closet is full of old cards and letters from people who have touched my life in profound ways. Some of them won’t speak to me and others I won’t speak to. I don’t want to go back. I just want to remember where I’ve been, where I am and the journey that has led me here.

Death doesn’t scare me. Dying alone does. It’s become a major issue for me. So much so that I hate to be alone. I know no one can go with me, but I want someone there who’s not afraid to hold my hand when it’s time to say goodbye.

Enough about me. What don’t I know about you?

In my wildest dreams I never thought it possible to have been granted every single wish. Yet I’ve been fortunate enough to have experienced it. I’m a published author who still generates interest and comments. I have beautiful, healthy children. On Christmas Eve the man of my dreams gave me the ring of my dreams and proposed. Less than a year later I became his wife.

Everything I could have ever dreamed of. Every wish granted, save one…

Paris. I want to see Paris with my husband. I want to experience St. Germaine with his hand in mine. I long to move my eyes skyward and see only the Eiffel Tower shining brightly against the night.

I know it’s silly for a small town girl to have such a big time dream, but I wish it just the same.