The Butterfly Temptress : Blog Archive : A Deep Sigh and Worn Out Wishes

A Deep Sigh and Worn Out Wishes

I’ve just finished up three days of sitting with Mama. Rather, she sat with me. As amazing as it sounds, we didn’t fight- not even once! I had a good time and I think she did too. It was comforting to have her here so that I didn’t have to be alone and I know The Knight felt better having her here as well. Now I’m just sitting back letting the worries go with a very deep sigh.

We talked a lot while she was here about a lot of things. I was grown up enough to ask for her thoughts and opinions and child-like enough to listen because she is very important to me. I know that even though I am the one that is sick, she is one of the ones who is going through this in her own way. So I listened and tried to understand things from her point of view. It made me realize that we’re not so different after all.

The Knight and I have had a rough week. Work has been insane for him and it seems that I have been more sensitive than usual. I’ve spent too much time in tears and not enough time focused on the positive aspects of my life or my relationship with the man who gladly shared his last name with me. I’m trying but changing your focus and retraining yourself to let go and breathe after clinging and hyperventilating is so very difficult. It is definitely not for the faint of heart.

Our relationship seems pretty vanilla lately and I don’t know why. I miss the D/s and BDSM aspects of who we were but honestly, where do we find the energy? Between work, kids, life, and cancer there doesn’t seem to be any time left for the bells and whistles, just the basics. I wish I knew how to get it back, but I don’t want to “top from the bottom” and I don’t want to add one more worry to his already full plate. I want to ease his tension and soothe his weary soul like he does for me.

So, I try to remember the goal and where we are in our lives. I try to shrug off the snappy remarks and the grumpiness and hold him close. I am trying to ask for what I want and need without worrying that it inhibits my ability to submit to him. More than that, I’m starting to slowly but surely give up worn out wishes and live in the real world instead.