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Things You Probably Didn’t Know About Me
Posted under Love, Life by The Butterfly Temptress
For all that I’ve written over the last three years, sometimes I think I’m still really not as out there as I lead myself and others to believe. For all the honesty and confessions, there are things that I live with every single day that very few people, if any, know about.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRpBtjIcOEM
Sometimes I am resentful, not grateful. I resent having to get up when I’d rather not. I resent not being with my children every single day but I’m with his. I resent blowing him when he refuses to go down on me because it’s “just not his thing”. I resent having to learn to touch myself all over again because he doesn’t meet my needs. And I resent that I gave up so much to be here.
I am always feeling guilty. I feel guilty for standing up for myself. I feel guilty for the things I think and feel. I feel guilty for asking him for anything that requires his time and attention, not his money. Then I feel guilty for feeling guilty.
Every day I wake up thoroughly convinced that we can make it, that no matter what happens we *will* be ok. Every night I go to bed convinced that I was so wrong- about him, about us, and about this life we pretend to lead together. Every night I pray for the strength to not hope that cancer takes over because it would be easiest, it would be for the best, because dying would be easier than facing the fact that one day I’ll probably have to live without the one man I love more than life itself.
I’m not a strong person. I used to be but I’m not anymore. I don’t know where I lost my strength, my hope, or myself, but I pray that I find them soon. Before it’s too late.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_kPCkneC_o
It takes such courage…or at least the gift of desperation to get nitty gritty honest about what you’re really thinking and feeling and then tell someone about it….especially when the feelings aren’t all rosy. Most people aren’t comfortable with anything not rosy. The harsh emotions of life are so frequently seen as gauche to discuss.
Nothing could be more wrong.
Life just gets interesting when we start living it with honesty and fortitude about getting/living what’s right and which makes us happy.
I too have lost someone that I adore. It is hard to handle it. It is hard to live apart from your child. It is hard to raise someone else’s instead….especially when they are little monsters to you about it. And I have face long and possibly terminal illness myself.
Speak and live your truth and don’t give up on being happy and living whole. How that unfolds…? Well those details are where the juicy adventure lies isn’t it?
I send you good thoughts and hope that you’ll find sources of courage, hope and strength for finding your way. Blessings!
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