Oh so many things have led me to this place. I hang my head in shame. I cry hot and furious tears of humiliation then just as quickly wipe them away. I am not this woman and this is not the life I’d imagined.

It is so hard for me to accept the kindness of others, not because I’m ungrateful but because I’m not used to being in the position to do so. Please, before you think me ungrateful and wretched, hear me out.

Before this place, before this life, this was my thing. Paying it forward, making someones day, were the things I lived for.

I had a patient once, a beautiful baby girl with special needs, who belonged to a family so full of love that it broke my heart. The father lost his job when he was trying to care for his child and the mother was fresh out of rehab. Seeing her baby born with all the problems and deformities was enough to send her for help. This family was trying like hell to pull it together and keep it together, but they were struggling.

They had no Chrstmas tree. They had no money for presents. They could barely keep the power on for the machines to keep their baby going. Still, they held one another and laughed and tried desperately to make it a happy time for themselves and their other children.

Seeing that kind of love and devotion was all I needed. The family deserved someone to reach out to them. They were trying and to be commended. They didn’t need a hand out, they needed a hand up.

It was almost forty-eight hours later, on Chritsmas Eve at about a quarter to midnight when we finally got to their house. We weren’t Santa and my mothers Tahoe wasn’t a sleigh, but it was full to overflowing with clothes and food and presents. It was the least we could do for people who were trying so desperately to get it together.

In less than forty-eight hours we’d pulled together a miracle. A moment for a family that they would never forget. A miracle that the brought the parents and grandparents to tears.

I could tell you of the others, but they’re not important, really. I mean, those times were important to me, because I felt so right and so good about the smiles and relief on the faces of those I’d been blessed to know. But they’re just examples to you, words on a page that you may not even take the right way.

Now here I am, in a situation of my own that I’m so unsure of. These times are hard on everyone I know, not just my family. Still, so many of you have poured your hearts, souls, and blog posts into doing something amazing.

I feel so unworthy and saying thank you seems so inadequate.

I’m speechless. I’m emotional.

For those of you who love me, for those who still remember me…

I am humbled.