I Am Loved

I haven’t been myself. For the last two days I’ve been a soggy, sobbing mess. I watch the sunlight dancing off my wedding rings and it simply starts the tears all over again. My favorite place has become our bed buried beneath the comfort he bought for me when he thought he would be spending loads of time at my old apartment. That was the weekend he begged me to move in with him because he couldn’t stand the thought of being without me.

The tears stop for seconds at a time and I’m excited because I think that maybe this one will be the moment that I pull myself up and get back to being me. Then I’m reminded of all the things we planned to do together someday and there I go again. He’s touched my skin and made me feel so alive only to have to gather me in his arms and hold me like the child I feel like. And thinking about children just starts it all again. Round and round we go, where we stop nobody knows.

Mama showed up today to see me. I was so excited to see her, thrilled that she was here after not seeing her for what seemed like forever. I’m not the lying type, so I told her straight up what the doctor said. I have to give her credit for taking it well, but I know it was an act for my sake and that made my heart ache just a little more than it did before. For all the problems we’ve had and all the bumps in the road of life that we have shared I think we do pretty well. Today I think I finally told her so.

I talked to my girls today. I was so happy to hear their sweet voices in my ear. All I wanted to do was reach right through the phone and pull them to me. I wanted to hold them and laugh with them. I wanted to tell them all the secrets I have learned about love and life so that they know how to handle it when their turn comes. Mostly I wanted to tell them everything I possibly could because I am so desperately afraid that I won’t be here to tell them when the time is right. A million memories flashed through my mind and I knew that in a million years I could never love them as much as I did at that very second.

In a moment of desperation I decided to put together a compilation of songs for the girls. A soundtrack for my life if my life had been a movie. Songs that have touched me somewhere deep inside, songs that have gotten me through. When it’s finished I’ll add it somewhere to my sidebar and keep adding to it until I no longer can.

In all my self-pity and embarrassing lack of strength it hit me out of nowhere that I truly have a lot to be thankful for. My babies are beautiful and healthy, even somewhat well-adjusted despite having divorced parents. I know it will be hell missing all the moments of their lives, but they’re going to be alright. The guys are growing into decent young men and I like knowing that I’ve contributed something to that, something that won’t ever go away, even if I do. My parents and my sister will all be ok. They have spirit and faith to get them through and they have my girls to keep them on track.

Though it was a little late, I finally found my true love. At long last there was a man who came into my life and made it all alright. He’s held my hand and lifted my chin when I couldn’t do it myself. He married me knowing that there was a very real possibility of losing me early on in our married life. And tonight when I cried even more with my head against his chest and told him I felt so alone, he pulled me even closer and said “I’ve got you. I’m right here. You’re fumbling through the dark, but you’re not lost.”

If I know nothing else, I know that I am loved.