The relationship that The Knight and I have can be described in many ways. We’re lovers, we’re best friends, and we’re life partners. More than that, The Knight is my Master. To some this is an ourtageous term and the dynamics of our relationship leave them dumbfounded. Yet for me it is second nature.
I’ve never been the kind who values her independence or thrives in an environment where all control has been handed over to me. Don’t misunderstand me, please. I am fiercely independent in most ways- I manage my own money, I make my own plans, and I definitely march to the beat of my own drum. I’ve never been one to conform to the standards of society, so turning my nose up at the whole modern woman mentality was no big deal to me.
All the relationships that have lasted the longest and shaped my life the most have been those that were more “old fashioned” in nature. The men who held my door, who expected to know my plans and my clothing sizes, who commanded respect were the ones I gravitated toward. Those who wrapped themselves about my knees or made themselves my “slaves” left me wanting more. It was during my marriage that I realized the kind of man I needed. I wasn’t unfaithful, but I jumped right into the BDSM lifestyle. I loved every new thing that I learned, even those things that scared me senseless.
Eventually my ex and I separated and I was free to explore my freedom fully. I attended munches and subscribed to on-line groups, I read as many books as I could get my hands on and I found myself surrounded by others who were like me. I felt as if I had finally found myself. None of my old friends could understand it and I knew my mother would never approve, so I limited it to only those who were in the lifestyle themselves.
I had my share of wanna-be’s and abusive jerks. Luckily, my friends made sure to educate me and only once was I ever hurt by anyone. Though I dropped out of the scene for a while, I couldn’t deny who I was or what I needed to be whole. It was more than the riding crops and hand cuffs, it was a true Dominant that was missing. I needed to give myself completely to someone who desired such a gift.
Finally, there he was. He didn’t look like my type and he didn’t act like my type. I was ready to dismiss him right out of the gate. Then one night it all changed. Just when I wondered why the man was on a BDSM personals site, he showed me. I was dreadfully ill but I walked the distance to the pay phone to call him. I could barely speak and my fever was so high I was shaking. In a matter of seconds he had told me to hang up and get into bed.
I was crushed. I wondered how a man who was so gentle and so sweet could suddenly be such an asshole to me. I cried and I raged like never before. I stomped the miles back to my tent and my best friend stopped me in my tracks. She said “Let me get this straight- this is what you wanted more than anything. Someone to guide you, someone to love you and care for you, someone to take the control from you and when he does it, you get p issed off. Does that make as little sense to you as it makes to me?” With that she rolled her eyes and went to bed, leaving me in tears.
She was so right. He had done what I had longed to have done and I responded horribly. I was so ashamed of my behavior that I walked back to the pay phone, dialed his number and apologized for behaving like a spoiled brat. Right then and there I knew that though I thought I knew what I wanted and needed, I didn’t have a clue. The Knight shushed me for a while then he told me that he cared very much about me and that he wanted me to be well and even though he hated not being able to talk to me, he preferred to know that I was resting and healing in time for our face to face meeting. I went to bed and slept like a baby. I knew that I had found someone who had his fair share of imperfections but someone who was perfect for me. Before we even met face to face, I knew he loved me just as I loved him.
Our relationship has had its ups and downs. There have been moments where he hasn’t come across as the dominant man I know him to be and there have been moments where I know he has looked at me and wondered if I had a submissive bone in my body. Kids, work, and day to day living limits our play time, but the way we play is not what our relationship is based on. He is my Master and I am his submissive all day every day. To the outside world, we’re an old fashioned couple with old fashioned ways of doing things. To us, we’re what D/s is meant to be.
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I like to think that I am just your average fat bisexual submissive housewife with a heart of gold. When I'm not battling cancer I can usually be found tackling the joys and pitfalls that come with being not only an ex-wife and a mother but also a sexual abuse survivor. I believe that healing is possible even when it comes to sex lives. And when our house finally falls silent at the end of the day I chronicle my journey for the world to see. My writing covers everything from relationships and marriage to sex advice pieces and sex toy reviews.Soon I hope to begin podcasting and other collaborative projects. And if you didn't know it yet, I'm a comment and email junkie, so don't hesitate to drop me a line.
