The Knight and I survived our time apart. I drove all night to get home to him, anxious to be back in his arms. I knew he’d still be asleep, so thoughts of stripping and climbing in to bed with him, making love with him, were racing through my head. I couldn’t wait, really. Then reality hit.

I got home and had to knock on the door of our bedroom. When he opened the door, right as I was about to throw my arms around him, I noticed a lump on my side of the bed. The Oldest Son was there and I wasn’t happy. So, I put down my bag, brushed my teeth and proceeded to go downstairs. All I wanted was to be close to The Knight- just him and not only was The Oldest Son there instead of at his mothers like he should have been, he was in my bed.

Eventually I got over it and the three of us ended up snuggled together for a couple of hours. It took some time to get back into the groove, to get back to the me that is used to be part of a couple instead of the me that was flying solo for hours. The Knight and I snapped at one another then that was that.

The weekend was uneventful unless you count the fiasco at Best Buy when we went to get my new desktop computer. If there is one place that I hate more, I haven’t found it yet. We ended up finding a better model for a better price somewhere else, but as exhausted as I was, the hassle was the last thing I wanted to deal with.

The Knight and I agree that time apart sucks. He said he missed me fiercely and I know I missed him. Lost is the word I would use to describe how I felt without him. If two days without him felt that bad, I’d hate to know what forever without him would be like. We’re closer than two people ought to be, I’m sure, but it suits us just fine. Between now and the end of time I’ll be thrilled if we never have to spend even a single second apart.

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1. Get married….and have a real (and ultra elegant) wedding-complete with beautiful flowers, candlelight, and slow dancing. Dancing with my Dad is a must.
2. Spend a weekend in New England with The Knight.
3. Publish my memoir.
4. See all five of our collective children grow up.
5. Get a tattoo.
6. Go on a cruise.
7. Visit Paris.
8. Visit Mexico.
9. Look down and see a beautiful diamond ring on my finger- three stone, oval cut, 2 carats minimum(I have short chubby fingers, so anything less than 2 carats would look dreadful on me.)
10. Make love in the rain.
11. Make love on the beach.
12. Swim naked in the ocean.
13. Own a house.
14. Enjoy a spa weekend.
15. Own a hot tub.
16. Dance naked.
17. Meet someone famous.
18. Enjoy a horse and carriage ride.
19. Open a bed and breakfast.
20. Attend a movie premiere.
21. Make out in a drive-in.
22. Watch a movie outdoors.
23. Have a popular blog- more popular than Stephanie Klein’s.
24. Make peace with my past.
25. Love and accept myself for who I am.

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I just logged in to post about my weekend and saw that a previous post titled “Fucking vs. Making Love…I Want him To Want Me” had been included on Menage a Trois as a Hott Read. I was thrilled! I love the site and the ladies that write there. What an honor to be included!

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In less than an hour I’m heading out for my two nights away. I don’t want to go. I hate the thought of going, of being away from the Knight for so long. This is such a foreign thing to me. Before him, I never cared to have time away, time to myself. I liked being independent and I liked playing the field.

I know other submissives who have felt the way I’m feeling. When they’re away from their Master, they’re just off. Things aren’t quite right. They function just fine and they make it through their time apart, but it takes them a day or two to get back into the groove. I don’t want to get out of the groove in the first place much less have to get back in it.

Deep down maybe I’m just worried that time apart will be just what he needs. Time to breathe, time to think, time to realize that he’s happier without me. Maybe I’m worried that he’ll get lonely and sign in to his personals sites to find someone to alleviate his loneliness because, after all, he’ll have the house to himself….

WAIT

STOP!

He loves ME. I’m the one he chose, out of all the others. It’s ME he shares his home with. It’s ME he comes home to every night. It’s ME that he says he wants to grow old with. I have no reason to believe for even a second that he is anything other than faithful and completely devoted to me, to us, and to this life we’ve built together.Knowing that I thought differently for even a moment would break his heart and that is the last thing I ever want to do.

So, I’ll miss him and I’ll long to get home to him, but I won’t think negative thoughts. I’ll remember that I am his and that this love we share is stronger than anything that could ever come our way. Then, when it’s said and done and I’m back home in his arms, I’ll tell him how much I’ve missed him and how lucky I am to have a man like him to love, a man like him that loves me in return.

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Last night The Knight made love with me, face to face. I was shocked but thrilled. His preferred position is from behind, so that’s really the only way we do it. I’m not wild about it, but sex is sex and I’m not going to turn it down. There are a couple of things I wonder about though.

Why is it his preferred position? Has it always been that way with him? Did other lovers feel the same way I feel because he’d rarely fuck them any other way? I don’t really want to know that whole part about other lovers. Some things I don’t need to know. What I do want to know is why. Am I so unattractive that he can’t stand to look at me when we fuck? Am I not tight enough when we’re face to face? Worse yet, is he thinking of someone else when he fucks me because I just don’t do it for him?

When we first got together we fucked every single day- sometimes more than once. I went down on him almost daily, at least once. We never went more than a day without some sort of close sexual contact. Now, we go days, plural. I hate it and I don’t understand it at all. He says he loves making love with me, but I don’t even know that we make love and I certainly have a hard time believing he enjoys it when it’s only from behind and even then it’s infrequent.

That’s another thing. He says that even if it’s hard and fast without any foreplay, it’s making love. It doesn’t feel like it. It feels like a fuck. Sex is sex is sex is fucking. Sometimes, I need foreplay- something more than a quick kiss, a smack on the ass, then being nudged over onto my hands and knees. He always feels good and I’ll never complain about having him in me, but feeling the way I feel, it’s increasingly difficult for me to believe that he’s attracted to me, that he desires me.

I want to turn out the lights and watch him poised above me. I long to feel his mouth on my neck and hear him whisper how beautiful I am, how much he loves me. I love to see his blue eyes flash and hear his breathing change right before he climaxes. I want to touch him, inhale the scent of him, and taste his essence before enveloping him in me. More than that, I want him to want me the way that I want him.

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I’m heading out tomorrow for the land of former in-laws and the ex-husband. My oldest daughter is having her tonsils removed and I want to be with her the night before the surgery as well as the night she has to spend in the hospital. I’m thrilled that I’ll get to see both of my babies, more excited than anyone could ever possibly know, but the people who are also important to her will be there. Those people I am less than thrilled about.

To make matters worse, this will be the first time since we moved in together that The Knight and I have been apart overnight. I know, I know…..how pathetic, right? Sure, I can see where some might think that, but I don’t think it is. The thought of being away for that long is making me sick to my stomach. I like being with him, going to sleep next to him, and waking up in his arms to his whispered “Good morning, Beautiful”…..something I won’t have for two days.

Maybe if I weren’t in the middle of my own issues right now it wouldn’t be as bad. I feel like I’m living on borrowed time. I don’t go back to the doctor until Tuesday and I have no idea what else they’re going to tell me. I don’t want to waste what precious time I have with people who are rude, embarrassing, and more than a little uncouth. I want, I want, I want…….

To whine, apparently. Now THAT is pathetic, ladies and gentlemen. A woman of almost thirty whining about being away from her lover. Forgive me, please, and return to your reading of other blogs where the authors have something important to say. I’ll post tomorrow before I leave when perhaps I’ve had the opportunity to just soak up time with The Knight.

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I don’t know why I did it and I don’t care to analyze it right now, but I sat and watched one of my favorite movies of all time….’A Walk To Remember.’ It’s based on a book by the same title by Nicholas Sparks who quickly became my favorite author. The man can write love and romance like no woman ever could. (I don’t know how he does it and if you’ve ever read his work or his interviews, it’s easy to see why he and his wife keep having children.)

The movie is about a girl who believes in God and a guy who doesn’t that happen to be thrown into unusual circumstances together. Oil and water just don’t mix, but they sure can get on well when tossed in a salad. That’s what they did. She changed his attitude, his outlook on life and love and he changed the way she felt but they didn’t try to change one another at all. By the end of the movie it comes out that she’s dying, that she has leukemia. It sends him into overdrive to prove that he loves her, that he’ll love her until the end.

They marry and spend the rest of their summer as man and wife before she passes on. In the end he tells the captive audience that she saved his life, that though the time they had together was brief, he’d never forget her. That the love they shared would go on and on.

I know why I watched it. For a brief moment I needed to know that anything is possible, that love would conquer all. Last night when we were talking The Knight pulled me close and he told me that while he’s selfish and he hopes for at least fifty years more, that he believes in quality over quantity, that even if for a brief moment, we’ve had this time together. I agreed wholeheartedly.

Yes, I want to grow old with him. I want to wake up and kiss him good morning for the rest of my life, be it a hundred years or a hundred days. I want to make love with him, laugh with him, and cry with him. I want to die where I came to life- in his arms, in our love, sharing a walk to remember.

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There are things in our lives that we hold close to us. Some are things from our childhood, others are from today but they all have their place in our lives and in our hearts. I suppose I have plenty that don’t pertain to The Knight, because I had a life before he existed, but it’s not the same. Nothing that came before could have possibly made me feel the way I feel right now.

Last night was a good night and the early morning was even better. We spent some time playing D&D then he worked on my new site for a bit before we headed to bed. I didn’t want to sleep. I wanted to be close to him, to feel his bare skin pressed against mine because that’s when I feel it the most- nothing between us but love. We talked until we both realized that we weren’t anywhere close to being tired, then we headed down for another round of D&D. He got his level and finally we headed to bed.

Again, we didn’t sleep. We laughed as we snuggled beneath the blankets then we talked like we always do. I don’t know what it is about the bed we share that makes us open up to one another there more than anywhere else, but I adore it. I told him about some of the things that I’d commented on, filling in a little of the back stories, then I asked him if he’d change anything about us.

He said he wouldn’t, even though we certainly aren’t what some people in the lifestyle would call Master and submissive. I told him that I’d only change one thing about us but I didn’t elaborate. We talked about the things that need to be present in BDSM relationships, in ones personal life, and the things that are necessary to relationships in general. I don’t know how two people who are as different as we are can feel so strongly about the same things, but we do and it filled my heart to overflowing to realize that D/s is just one more thing we’re on the same page about.

The Knight is a man like no other. He makes me laugh and he makes me cry, and more than once he’s jolted me back to reality. I’ve seen his fear, felt his lust and I’ve been overwhelmed by his love and tenderness. Never have I known a man so gentle, so passionate, and so nurturing. We see our love as the gift it truly is and even when the road gets rocky we believe that it will all be ok, that tomorrow or twenty years from now we’ll still be together. I’ve known accomplishments, I’ve known joy, but never until The Knight, never before us, had I known the true meaning of love and complete contentment.

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I wanted to take a moment to welcome you to my new (albeit temporary) home. In a matter of days I hope to have my own site permanently up and running, so please save the link for it. The Butterfly Temptress will house not only my blog, but also my writing, the erotica of a few friends, and anything else that is thought up, dreamed about, or requested.

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I don’t know where to begin. This post has been tumbling around in my head since Tuesday when the call came in but I so wanted to put it on my new blog, which would be on my own site. What we want and what we get are often two different things.

When the phone rang and The Knight told me it was the doctors office my heart began to pound and my mouth went dry. As a nurse, I know what it means when the doctors office calls. I answered in my usual way while trying to keep my trembling voice under control. I heard her voice on the other end, trying to be pleasant but professional. I hated her instantly.

“The doctor would like for you to come in for a follow up. He’s asked an oncologist to come in as well. I’m not at liberty to discuss more than the basics, but there were a significant number of cells present. I know the word cancer is scary but try not to stress. Take care of yourself between now and then- eat well, rest often, and it’s very important that you try to have a support system in place. Now, I’ll put you through to schedule your appointment, but if there are any questions or if the symptoms you’re experiencing get worse, please call the office.”

I mumbled my way through something that sounded like an thank you then listened to the secretary as she told me the dates that the oncologist was available to be in the office. I chose August first at 1030 in the morning but if I would have been able to, it would have been the very next day. I asked the voice on the other end of the phone how much it was going to cost, the consultation with the oncologist and the follow up procedures, then I waited as she went to find out. She came back on and told me that they realized I didn’t have insurance, so they would be willing to set up payment arrangements with me. I thanked her and hung up, still not completely sure of what was going on.

During the time it took to have that brief conversation, my entire perspective changed. I slipped upstairs without The Knight noticing and I curled myself into a ball on our bed. I cried like I’d never cried before, from somewhere deep within my body. I didn’t know what to do or how to handle the fact that I was now the patient. It seemd like hours that I stayed like that, but it wasn’t. Only minutes had passed before The Knight came through the door.

He didn’t say a word at first. He climbed into bed with me,wrapped his arms around me, then whispered against my neck that I didn’t have to talk about it right now that all I had to do was let him hhold me and remember that I’m not alone. I sobbed as I listened to him, knowing that he was telling the truth and I was scared as hell and elated all at once.

Over and over again I kept thinking to myself that I had only just found him. I begged God to let me be ok, to let me grow old with this man who isn’t perfect but is perfect for me. I turned around and threw my arms around The Knight completely sure now of what people meant when they said they were holding on for dear life- I was. I kept up the bargaining internally….I swore I’d lose weight, I’d even give up meat. I told God I’d even give up writing about sex if it meant that He’d let me be ok, if He’d let me see my babies grow up and get married. When I was lost in my own thoughts, The Knight just held on tight.

I told him what the nurse had said. I told him that I had the craziest thoughts going through my head and I apologized for the fight we had Sunday night. In an instant there wasn’t a place in my life for jealousy, insecurity, or even the worries about his past. I felt foolish for wasting so much time and energy on things that didn’t matter in the big picture. We cried together and vowed that things would never be the same with us.

In the two days since the call, it’s been different. I’ve been different and The Knight has been different. I’ve shared thoughts and feelings with him that I’d been too scared to share before. I’ve called my family and told them how much they mean to me, how sorry I am for being distant and cold. The Knight and I have had more than one heart to heart talk that’s done my heart good.

I’m sorry that it took something like this to get me to where I needed to be. I’m ashamed that it’s taken something so negative to turn my life around, but the bottom line is this- whether it’s life threatening or not, hearing the word cancer has shown me the importance of loving and living out loud- so I am doing a whole lot of both.

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