Where do I begin. The beginning sounds like a good place but I don’t know where the beginning is anymore. I’ve been in a funk, in case you couldn’t tell. I feel like I’ve walked a million miles without a rest, without water.

I had a suicide plan. I couldn’t put the people I love through a prolonged illness knowing all along that I probably wouldn’t make it. I know, it isn’t up to me. I don’t always know what’s best, etc. I told myself all of that. The pain and fear wouldn’t go away. So, I decided when. I decided where. I decided how.

Today was to be the day. While the boys were at school and The Knight was working downstairs in his office. I went upstairs to take a nap and planned on doing it when I woke up. I didn’t plan on him. I didn’t plan on his hands on my body, his words in my ear, or his tears falling as he held me. I didn’t plan of needing that so desperately that it would make me want to fight, consequences be damned.

I didn’t tell him. Instead I pulled into myself and became a bitch. Maybe I could go through with it if I could make him hate me. I tried all week. He wouldn’t call it quits. He wouldn’t walk away. All in one there was hate and a love beyond all loves. I wanted him to hate me, I was begging for it. I said things I wasn’t proud of, things I didn’t mean. Still he stayed, holding me close.

Today after we dropped the boys off it came to a head. He screamed at me in earnest. He ranted and raved, told me how I had a habit of making him feel as if he wasn’t good enough, that nothing he did mattered. It cut me to the quick to think that maybe I was succeeding and it confused the hell out of me. If I wanted him to hate me so badly, why did the least little bit of disdain and exasperation break my heart? He begged me to let him in. He begged me to cling to him instead of trying to do itmyself. He told me that he wanted our collective children to see me fight, that he wanted them to see that I cared enough about them to try my best.

I came clean. I sobbed and almost hyperventilated as I told him what the problem was all week. At first he didn’t say anything. What could he say? Words would have fallen short. When it was all said and done we had a decision to make. We could cut our losses and be done with it. We could go our own way. Or we could hold it together. We could prove what we’ve always said about getting through anything that came our way as long as we were together.

I don’t know what the future holds. Even after the surgeries I am bleeding constantly, not just after intercourse anymore. I’m bleeding from the front and the back. Never have I felt so unattractive, so utterly unfeminine. I’m sleeping on average eighteen hours a day. Nothing is getting accomplished. The guilt is overwhelming. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone in any way.

There you have it. Six days of nothing, then I lay it all on the line. Maybe he’s right when he tells me that I am my own worst everything- enemy, critic, saboteur. Maybe it is my damage. Damage that has lead me to sabatoge, suicide, and self-fulfilling prophecies.

{P.S. Please forgive me for not responding to comments and emails. I will try to catch up next week. I appreciate all the warm thoughts and prayers.}

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I was horribly down on Friday. Suicide, assisted suicide, etc. The thoughts jumbled up and clouded my normally rational brain. Not a good thing. Finally I came clean with The Knight about what I was thinking and feeling. I assured him that I would never kill myself, if only because I was a coward.

I called my Mama and begged her to come and see me. I didn’t expect it to happen but I hoped. She drives me crazy but right then, I needed my Mama & Daddy in the worst way. Lo and behold she called to tell me they would be here on Saturday. Yay!!

They came and spent the entire day. Mama fixed The Knight a birthday dinner and even baked him a birthday cake. Talk about shocked! This from the woman who doubted his love for me. I’m glad she’s seeing him for what he is, at long last.

There was minimal nagging but plenty of heart to heart talking. I love that about my Mama. She is what she is. Crazy, silly, perverted, opinionated, loving, gentle, and so amazing…all the things I hope to be when I am her age. If I am ever her age.

We rarely talk about Sperm Donor. We have both moved on and it simply puts us in a foul mood to talk about him. Daddy tends to steer us on to other conversations but last night was different. He actually brought it up. Weird.

Together with several of their friends, military and otherwise, they have worked on this “theory” about Sperm Donor and why he has never gotten into trouble legally. Now, please understand that I think they’re insane. I have plenty of friends in the military, so I suppose I could ask around, but I choose to believe they’re nuts. I like to think that I’m rational and intelligent- most of the time.

Their theory is that he is some hired whatever for the military. That since he served at Ft. Meade he was involved in some serious shit. Shit that makes him exempt from legal action. The kind of stuff that has made his military records disappear. The kind of stuff that has kept my Mama and I both from obtaining government security clearances. The kind of stuff that mentally unstable, unfit to be a part of society kind of people excel at. Yeah, Ok…whatever.

Why the hell would the government have anything to do with a man who abuses children? Why would they cover for him, keeping him from prison, legal action on the part of the IRS, etc.? Is the government that twisted? I mean, it’s preposterous! I know people who are career military. Sperm Donor is nothing like them. NOTHING like them.

Sperm Donor was in the Army. I was told he was kicked out because of his fondness for marijuana. I saw his Army jacket, his dog tags, and photos of him and his buddies in uniform. No doubt about it, he was in the Army at some point. I know that he was stationed at Ft. Meade in Maryland and more than once I have been on base with friends who were also stationed there. So you see why their theory, on those facts alone, make no sense.

Still, it bothers me. It makes me wonder. He used to disappear for weeks on end. He ran his own company but never struggled financially. He lived most of his adult life near Washington DC & Ft. Meade. To this day he claims that I am not his biological child, that even our blood types make it impossible. I have never been able to find out ANY of his medical history. He has two names and gets away with it. Two drivers licenses. Two social security numbers. I’ve seen them for myself. See? Easy to wonder, right?

I know, I’m insane. Crazy. He was once called one of the worst sociopaths that the FBI had ever encountered. There is no way he could be important to the government in any way. It’s preposterous. Don’t hate me for my momentary lapse of sanity. Obviously, it’s in my genes. And remember, we don’t choose our family.

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{The whole cd is amazing, I highly recommend it. This song however…perfection. Simple, raw, honest perfection. After yesterdays discussion with The Knight, it’s how I feel. With everything life is throwing at us, I think we really are slow dancing in a burning room and it breaks my heart.}
It’s not a silly little moment
It’s not the storm before the calm
This is the deep and dyin breath of
This love we’ve been workin on

Can’t seem to hold you like I want to
So I can feel you in my arms
Nobody’s gonna come and save you
We pulled too many false alarms

We’re goin down
And you can see it too
We’re goin down
And you know that we’re doomed
My dear
We’re slow dancing in a burnin room

I was the one you always dreamed of
You were the one I tried to draw
How dare you say it’s nothing to me
Baby, you’re the only light I ever saw

I’ll make the most of all the sadness
You’ll be a bitch because you can
You try to hit me just hurt me
So you leave me feeling dirty
Because you can’t understand

We’re goin down
And you can see it too
We’re goin down
And you know that we’re doomed
My dear
We’re slow dancing in a burnin room
~John Mayer ‘Slow Dancing In A Burning Room’~

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Yesterday was another rough day. I don’t know why, but it was. Today looks better but yesterday was rough- on everyone. The guilt is the worst. It’s what makes me think it would be better if I wasn’t here. Better and easier.

If I don’t beat this, what’s it going to be like for The Knight and The Guys? They will have gone through this daily hell for nothing. Nothing! How is that fair to them? In no way is it even remotely fair. The love I can give them is nothing compared to the hard times. It isn’t fair.

The thing is, no matter where I go, it won’t be fair. I can go home, to Mama and Daddy where The Ex will let me have the girls with me all the time, but that wouldn’t be fair to them either. I could go back to The Ex. I wouldn’t feel as bad about putting him through hell…he did it to me with his family, so one good turn deserves another, right? I couldn’t do it. Even though I don’t like him, The Girls would need him.

Right now I’m reminded of why, before I ever got sick, I had decided to not fight. I didn’t want to put anyone through this torture. I didn’t want my family to see me get sick or see me struggle through the treatments. To go through with chemo or radiation would be selfish on my part and I won’t be selfish. I will go to the doctor next Tuesday and I will tell him that I am open to anything he wants to do, except chemo or radiation. I won’t tell my family of my decision. But I will pray. If God brought me to it, God will bring me through it.

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Last night we went to bed early. He stroked my hair, kissed my lips, and traced the curves of my body with all the tenderness his heart held. I felt alive, beautiful, and more in love than ever. I’d told him earlier that I felt as if my happiness could only reach one more plateau, that’s how genuinely happy I am. He kissed me gently and whispered “I thought you never thought it would happen. You, me, and that plateau.” The Knight is not a stupid man and he knows me well. He knew that I meant marrying him even before I did. I smiled and snuggled closer.

He proceeded to make sweet love to me. Oh, there was passion and there was lust. His cock was throbbing, harder than it had been when we made love earlier in the evening after he’d gotten home from work. He pulled out of my cunt and slipped effortlessly into my ass. Somehow he just knows what I need and he gives it to me so deliciously. He buried himself inside of me and proceeded to fuck me slowly. He barely moved, choosing instead to stay as deep in me as possible. Another one of those moments that he could have been me and he still couldn’t have been far enough inside. When we climaxed it was together though I beat him on the number of times. What can I say? The Knight just does it for me…time and time again…every time.

Neither of us slept well, despite the amazing sex. When we awoke this morning the sheets had been pulled off the mattress, physical evidence of our restlessness. Nightmares prevented my best sleep, heartburn prevented his. He showered and got ready for work, knowing all the while that we were both miserable.

He emerged from the shower and I sat on our bed crying. I didn’t want to move. I wanted to snuggle back under the covers and let sleep overcome me. Sleep overcoming me would be better than self-pity or depression. He held me and wiped my tears.

“You hate knowing that this is just the first of what could be many days that you feel like this. You’re thinking that I’ll get fed up, tired of it, and that I’ll leave you for something easier.”

I nodded as he brushed away my tears.

“You can worry about feeling this way. You can prepare yourself for the possibility that it may get harder from here. You can also count on the fact that I’m not going anywhere. Through it all I will be right by your side. I may not always be able to do the things to spoil you as quickly as I’d like to, but I’ll be right here to take care of you. I’m not going anywhere.”

With that he proceeded to fix The Guys their lunches and himself a glass of Alka-Seltzer for his heartburn. Then, the wonderful man that he is, he sat down and logged into his work computer. He answered his email then set his status to “Out Of Office” for today. After watching me eat a bowl of cereal (I hate cereal but I was hungry and too lazy to make myself anything) he ushered me upstairs. We undressed and slipped back into our bed for some much needed rest.

Sure, it may get harder. I’ll probably have more bad days than good days. I don’t care, as long as I beat this. I don’t give a damn if the laundry is piled waist high and the floors have dust bunnies from hell, so long as I get well. So long as I get to grow old with The Knight. Today I’ve realized that I’m not super-human. I’m just a woman in love with a man who is in love with this woman.

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I’m changing directions in other ways. Some things will be seen immediately, others will take time. Time is a funny word to use when you don’t know how much you actually have, when you know that it’s something you may not have much of.

I’m losing weight. Not a lot, but enough to notice it and have it be noticed by others. I know it’s because I’m dealing with what I’m dealing with. It’s the result of exhaustion and being so stressed out that I am to nauseated to even eat most of the time. That’s not healthy nor is it the right way to lose weight.

In October I’ll be joining a health club. One for just women. I hate the meat market feel of unisex gyms and being surrounded by perfect bodies who haven’t seen a stretch mark or imperfection even once in their life. I want to be healthy. That is the real goal. It’s not about vanity at this point. It’s about wanting to be physically fit enough to get through whatever else life may have in store for me.

I don’t know if I will chronicle it all here. I’d be embarrassed to post one of those weight tracker things, because the numbers are dreadful. Even I don’t want to see them. So, we will see.

Other changes include the launch of my own site, a writing schedule, and a new wardrobe. I’ve requested the domain transfer so it should be up and running soon. The delays are a pain, but in the end I am hoping against hope that it will have been worth it. The same goes for my book. I believe in it, in the power of the written word. I also believe in the power of new clothes in smaller sizes. Stick around, I’ll show you.

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I used to know where I wanted to go. Medical school, thriving practice. I threw away my opportunity because I was desperate to get out from under my parents roof. I married a man I didn’t love, a man who saw me as his payroll wife. I was to be his link to Sperm Donors money once he passed away. No love, just business.

I decided to stop the games and cut the ties with Sperm Donor. All his money wasn’t worth risking the safety of my two little girls. I couldn’t spend my life pretending that I’d forgiven him for what he did, that it was all ok. So, I went my own way. I went to nursing school and decided that since I couldn’t be a doctor, I’d be a nurse. I loved it and it loved me. The Ex hated my new-found independence. We too parted ways.

For three years I wore a pager, spent hundreds of dollars on a nanny, and slept a mere four hours a night. I thrived on the emergency room drama that unfolded, even in a small little hick town with nothing to offer a former city girl. I loved it so much that I listened to my new doctor friends who insisted that I should go for my dream. So, I took the MCATs and surprisingly enough, I did well. All I had to do was finish my degree.

I cut my workload, gave back the pager, hired Mama as my sitter and went back to school. I paid off my bills, made new friends, and I was loving the life of a single woman. I did well in school and even better at home. I had the world by the tail. Until I fell in love.

I took the semester off. I moved to Pittsburgh. I suddenly hated working in a hospital. Writing once again became my passion, just like when I was young. I sold stories, saw them out there in small papers and on websites. The Knight and I were struggling, but he encouraged me to stay home and follow my dream.

Fast forward a year later and here I am. We’re in a nice house in the right neighborhood, living in sin. I drop The Guys off and pick them up, constantly surrounded by people who mistakenly call me their mother, or worse, “Mrs. Knight”- not that I’d mind- if it was true. It’s not. I am living as his wife without the benefits of the title or the title itself. Yes, it’s a modern world and people live together all the time without being married. I know. But those people aren’t me.

Those people aren’t in love for the first time ever. Those people have probably had the wedding of their dreams, danced with the groom of their dreams, and they gaze fondly at the ring of their dreams. Everywhere they look are outward symbols and statements of their declaration of love, of their commitment to one another. The things I long for but don’t have, the things that I don’t know that I’ll ever have.

The Knight once told me that he’d never marry me, that it wasn’t for him and if that’s what I was looking for, I might as well leave. I thought I was ok with that. I decided that I’d rather be with him, period. In May he told me he’d been thinking a lot about this marriage thing, that I had changed his mind. He said he wanted to introduce me as his wife. Then I found out why he couldn’t do it sooner rather than later.

Now, it’s almost October and his divorce isn’t final. I don’t know if he’s even filed the papers yet. I have cancer and I don’t know that I’ll beat it. I’m trying like hell but some things are just out of our control. There are so many things that I don’t know, but there are some that I do.

I know I don’t want to die. I know I don’t want to know what life is like without The Knight. I know that I want to grow old with him, I want to exchange vows in front of the people that mean the most to us and I want to see them through. I don’t want to die being his live-in, a nobody as far as society is concerned, a mistress living in sin as far as my family is concerned. Life is too short, so starting today I’m changing directions.

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I am so loved. So very loved. And spoiled rotten. Though my day has already consisted of a trip to the market, I have loads of things left to do. Laundry mostly. I’ll smile while doing it though. Why?

The Knight bought me my Gray’s Anatomy dvd. Oh yeah, I’m a happy girl! I will do laundry all day long and indulge myself. Dr. Mcdreamy, paging Dr. Mcdreamy to the Butterfly Temptress’ bedroom STAT! *giggling* It’s silly, but as a nurse, I’m allowed to make cheesy medical jokes.

If you’re looking for an amazing cd, here’s one for you.
John Mayer Continuum

I love it, from start to finish. Happy, sad, melancholy, it has it all. Soothing and relaxing, perfect for the bubble bath we all need so desperately. Better yet, slip off those heels and dance in your bare feet with your lover by candlelight. Kiss them like you want them, then strip their clothes off and make sweet love on the living room floor. Go on, show them that I’m not the only one who is spoiled.

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Oh what a weekend it was!

The Ex started his typical games on Friday morning. We were supposed to pick the girls up for the weekend, but of course he had some excuse why he couldn’t do it. So, Mama told me that she and Daddy would meet The Ex and get them then The Knight and I could come to their house and get them. Perfect! The Knight and I planned accordingly.

The Ex said he was running late and he’d just meet Mama at her house with them. She was thoroughly pissed, totally onto his game. She sent The Knight and I down the road until he left. An hour later he finally arrived and dropped them off. So much for an easy turnover, right?

My oldest then decided that she didn’t want to go with me. Fit, temper tantrum, and attitude kicked in and I could have died. My child has never acted that way, not since she was a two year old. Where had I gone wrong? She cried all the way to our house, ranting and raving about how none of this would have happened if I hadn’t divorced her father, if I hadn’t moved in with The Knight.{I have always encouraged and insisted on honesty, but even if you’re angry, speak to adults with respect. She wasn’t, so I called her on it. The rules won’t change on some things, period.}

The Knight stepped in and set the record straight. He told her that we had to resort to this because her father was trying to keep them from coming to see us, that he’d already challenged the custody arrangements. He went on to explain how her father erases emails and won’t let me talk to them when I call them every night. I laid a hand on his as he rambled off the list of her fathers mistakes because I didn’t want her to be more overwhelmed than she already was. The Knight told her that we love her and we wanted her with us more than anything, that he hoped she realized that eventually.

My heart is breaking. I miss them so very much. We went shopping and to do girly things while they were here and I loved it. Even the tough times were ok because I got to hold them through them. They’re both growing up so quickly and they need me as much as I need them. I’m torn. I will fight for custody because they need the stability, the love, and the gudiance we can provide them. The life that The Knight and I have built together are what they need to thrive and succeed. I believe it with every fiber of my being.

Yes, I have cancer. Sure, I have less energy now than before. That doesn’t make me less of a parent, that doesn’t take away my desire to be there for my babies. On the contrary, it makes it stronger. They make me stronger. They’re my reasons for being, now more than ever. I don’t want to keep them from their father, I’d never do that to them or to him, but he isn’t capable of taking care of them, of raising two beautiful little girls.

{On a positive note- my oldest has asked for a purse and “make-up”. She’s been a complete tomboy until now, so it was awesome! When we went shopping, she even asked me to help her pick out “girl clothes” so we did. It probably drives her insane, but as she gets older she’s acting more like a girl, by nature. I like that and I hope that I can help her like it as well. If not, I’ll love her just the same, and I told her as much. How I love my babies!!}

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My apologies for being MIA this weekend. I can’t post much right now, but suffice it to say, it was a blessing and a curse. It was another lesson in- well, it was another lesson in life.

Keep your fingers that they get my domain name tranfered today or tomorrow. I’ve been itching to get it all set up, to move into my very own home. I still have to decide on the interior design stuff, but it will come to me, I’m sure.

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