Despite their best attempts to get me down, to steal the joy from this beautiful day, here I am. Smiling and feeling stronger than ever. Deep down in my soul, right to the core of who I am. I am submissive only to The Knight, not to the world at large.  It’s just the two of us this weekend, quiet time to be lovers and friends. What a way to spend the weekend, given the mood that I’m in. Loving life, loving our love, and loving the feeling of being comfortable in my own skin. So put that in your pipe and smoke it. I am stronger than what you dish out. I’m alive and well and more than ready to go down fighting.

Time goes slowly now in my life
Fear no more of what Im not sure

Searching to feel your soul
The strength to stand alone
The power of not knowing and letting go
I guess Ive found my way
Its simple when its right
Feeling lucky just to be here tonight
And happy just to be me and be alive

Love, in and out
Of my heart
And though life can be strange
I cant be afraid

Searching to feel your soul
The strength to stand alone
The power of not knowing and letting go
I guess Ive found my way
Its simple when its right
Feeling lucky just to be here tonight
And happy just to be me and be alive

I guess Ive found my way
It`s simple when its right
Feeling lucky just to be here tonight
And happy just to be me and be alive

Alive~Jennifer Lopez

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I don’t know this girl from Adam, but I love her message. I love her sassy, in your face attitude, even if I don’t think she’s fat at all. Watch it then pass it on.

A Fat Rant

Oh and by the way-
I’m a fat chick.

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Sometimes blogging stinks. People who know nothing about you or about your life suddenly think they do. They invade your space with comments, with advice, and sometimes even threats. In an instant everything you love about your haven is gone, your home has been hit and rocked to the core.

You can survey the damage for a bit. Sit back and take stock, examine the why’s and the how’s. You can cry and rant, maybe even scream out loud. When it blows over and the worst is behind you is when the real work comes. You have to examine everything you believed, everything you thought you knew. Only then can you decide whether to rebuild or let it go.

Yesterday was my day. I don’t know how many people read the comments of my former sister-in-law. I don’t really care to know. When I opened my Outlook and saw all those horrible comments, all the lies she spewed, my heart broke into a million little pieces. When she ran me and my character into the ground, I was hurt and confused. I couldn’t help but wonder who I had wronged so badly that they would retaliate in such a way. Anger was slow to set in.

Until she threatened to show the site to my ten year old daughter. Until she threatened my relationship with my children and the life that The Knight and I have built over the past two years. Then I was beyond angry. I knew it had to be someone from the ex-husbands family, I just couldn’t decide who it could have been.

This site is about my life. It’s my reality, my honesty. To have someone say otherwise is almost unforgivable. At least it would be if they had a clue what they were talking about.

I won’t let the past control my future. I won’t stop my writing (which apparently pales in comparison to all other pornographic material according to her) or my plans to have it published. I won’t call off my engagement because The Knight knows me and everything about my past. There are no secrets to destroy us.

This blog will stay alive. I’ll keep it that way. I hate to be threatened. I hate to be forced into a corner and made to feel like the helpless child I once was. I’m an adult with a voice and I’ll use it in any way I please. I may have been shaken but I’m not broken.

{Comment moderation will continue for a bit. I’m sorry for the inconvenience of it. I’ve worked too hard to have this all go south. I appreciate your patience and the encouraging words. Thank you all for being so supportive.}

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Thanks to people who have no life and nothing better to do than harass me via my site, comment moderation has now been enabled. I’m sorry for those of you who have never done anything other than be kind and caring, decent and loyal, but everyone from my past is not the kind of people you happen to be.

Come to think of it, I am at the end of my rope with this whole thing. I am tired of people who know nothing about me spreading their lies and the constant attempt to destroy what I have worked so hard to build with The Knight. It’s always about the things that I have done wrong in the past (granted, there have been many!) but never anything anyone else has done. If they are so quick to judge and point out someone elses shortcomings how is it that they have such difficulty seeing their own?

I’m tired of blocking IPs. I’m sick to death of defending myself in emails and phone calls. My life is not my own, even more so since The Knight and I have been engaged. If I quit, they win because I quit. If I stay, they win because I will constantly be looking over my shoulder waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I need some time to think this through. Feel free to tell me what you think. How would you handle it? Please don’t let comment moderation keep you from leaving your thoughts.

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If he wants me.

If he loves me the way he once did.

If he feels the same way he did when we first met.

If he finds me attractive.

If he wishes I were different- thinner, prettier, or more intelligent.

If he realizes what we have and how different it truly is.

If he sees my fear and how it makes him feel.

If he can see how I love him.

If he knows that I would do anything for him.

If he realizes I would do anything to be forgiven for the damage that I have caused in our relationship.

If he craves me the way I crave him.

If he is overwhelmed with positive emotion the way I am when we’re at our best.

If he will love me, ’til death do us part.

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Yes, I’m alive. Yes, I’m alright. No, I didn’t die or receive horrible news. I’m simply existing, trying to keep up with the things I have to keep up with. That includes my writing obligations, my children, and The Knight. All of it while being so very tired. Good days and bad days, I have them both. I just need to refrain from trying to do it all without help because when I do it makes things worse.

I’m a terrible friend for not emailing. I feel terribly guilty for not emailing, for not visiting blogs and commenting. Somewhere in your wonderful hearts I hope you can forgive me. I value your friendship, your visits to my site. Right now I’m just behind. Behind, but alive.

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In the process of redoing my links and my site since I was hacked it seems that I had forgotten a couple of people. I readded them and I have been checking in. Usually, I check in from my favorites through my browser, not from the site itself.

I switched from Windows Vista 32 bit to Windows Vista 64 bit yesterday. I lost my saved emails. I lost a few other things but I managed to save my favorites. As I was reading them this afternoon I found one that I hadn’t visited in about a week and what I read broke my heart.

She lost her Master. They had struggled for the last couple of years but they stayed strong. The last entry even sounded as if they had gotten back on track. I was happy to see that they were progressing well. I guess that’s why the news of his passing hit me so much harder.

How hard it must be for her. The Vikings Wife has strength in abundance but to lose your love must make it all seem moot. I can’t fathom it. Not for one second could I even imagine what she must be feeling.

It was a beautiful day. Now it’s not quite so beautiful. More than anything it seems a day for a song sung blue. Even if you know nothing of BDSM relationships, or of love in general, please visit and leave words of encouragment.

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Being thirty is everything that I thought it would be but nothing like I had imagined. My birthday was a good day. The weekend was even better because my babies were here. How I love it when I hear them laugh, when I see so much of myself in them. How it completes me and fills me with a sense of peace to know that they’re asleep across the hall.

I’m feeling comfortable in my skin. Well, not in my skin because my skin is out of control with blemishes and oily patches mixed with dry patches. Wearing foundation over the weekend was a mistake. Despite the skin snafus, I feel ok. Better than ok, really. Even if my energy levels aren’t what I wish they were I know I’m alive and well. Cancer doesn’t scare me today. Today I’m comfortable and loving the skin I’m in.

Over the weekend I also made level nine with my cleric in D&D. At the last minute they announced a bonus loot and +50% XP- quite the gift for an addict such as myself. I’m loving the game now more than ever, loving the way The Knight and I work together as a team even when no one else is. Come to think of it, it’s how we are in real life. It just happens to shine through in a game.

Birthday goodies? A dozen roses from my parents. A book and cd from The Girls. A beautiful Hallmark card from The Knight along with a new graphics card for my computer. (God I am turning into such a geek!) I had two wonderful dinners out and a tasty birthday cake that didn’t last long enough, thanks to three growing guys.

I’m tired but I’m ok. I’m feeling completely at peace. Wildly in love. Safe and secure. I like the changes I’m seeing in myself. I like it even more that The Knight has noticed and embraced them right along with me. Oh yeah, life is good.

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I don’t want to spoil it. I don’t want it to end, this feeling of being loved, of being so comfortable in my own skin. Thirty isn’t what I thought it would be. Today it’s better. I’ll write more later. Right now, I want to stay lost in the perfection of birthday magic.

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You know who you are. You know why. I’m stronger now than I’ve ever been, more secure than I ever thought possible. Starting right now, I’m taking my life back. It ends tonight.

Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can’t explain myself at all.
And all the wants
And all the needs
All I don’t want to need at all.

The walls start breathing
My mind’s unweaving
Maybe it’s best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.

A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can’t explain what you can’t explain.
You’re finding things that you didn’t know
I look at you with such disdain

The walls start breathing
My mind’s unweaving
Maybe it’s best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won’t make this right
It’s too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Now I’m on my own side
It’s better than being on your side
It’s my fault when you’re blind
It’s better that I see it through your eyes

All these thoughts locked inside
Now you’re the first to know

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won’t make this right
It’s too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won’t make this right
It’s too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Tonight
Insight
When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight.
All American Rejects- It Ends Tonight

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