I want to be that girl.
I want to kneel, bound by rope or just his presence.
It doesn’t matter which it is.

I want to kneel in front of him like she kneels before him.
I want to feel his fingers from behind me, stroking my swollen cunt, rubbing my engorged clit.
I long to hear his voice in my ear, his words of love and command urging me higher.

And then…
I long to be pressed to the mattress face first like the submissive whore that I am for only him.
I long to feel the head of his cock urging my holes open for him.
Whichever hole he chooses to fill, I’ll feel the honor and sexual excitement take over.
Bound and unable to resist, a bird with clipped wings for only the briefest moment.

As he fills me with his cock, throbbing and oozing the sweetest precome a solitary whisper will fall from my lips
“Master”
Longing, begging, beseeching
With his cock spent and white hot goodness deep within me, it’s finished.

When it’s over and I am in that place
The space beyond Heaven and Earth where only he can send me for only he knows the path
I’ll moan and sigh contentedly
With peaceful tears of release and a sense of belonging filling the air around us.

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I’m just enjoying being his. I’m taking the weekend to focus on the important things in my life. Taking deep breaths, playing silly games, and having long heart to heart talks with the man that I love.

Right this moment the love and the connection we share is palpable, even rooms apart. I am content and at ease, at peace with who I am and what I have become. My submission and his Dominance, two things that have always been there, always been a part of our lives, is overwhelmingly present in the most amazing way. Though I could have sworn that the world was falling down around me earlier in the week, tonight it’s okay. Everything is just right.

{In case I don’t tell all of you often enough-
I appreciate your friendship and your  loyalty. I appreciate the time you take to read and the time you take to comment. Saying thank you falls short, but I truly do thank each of you for the wonderful things you have helped bring into my life.}

Perhaps on Monday I will fill you all in. For now I just need to exist in silence. I need to hold and be held, wrapped safely in the arms of love. However, all prayers and positive energy transmissions would most certainly be appreciated.

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Post removal brought to you courtesy of guilt.

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As if I need to offer more proof of just how pathetic I am, I know. Just the same please allow me to share with you the content of todays counseling session. All of it sparked by a last minute decision to participate in a national event.

” As crazy and as stupid as it sounds, not to mention the immature part, the fact of the matter is this- I wish I was his child. Not all the time and not in the disgusting want to sleep with Daddy kind of way.”

A blank stare then a nod from the counselor to go on.

“I wish I had that kind of bond, that kind of special place in his heart and in his life. I wish I knew that kindness and patience. I wish he wanted to take me to lunches with his colleagues and show me off. But why would he, right? I’m just his fiancee- his fat fiancee at that. It’s not like I can blame him for not wanting me to meet his coworkers.”

A sigh and some scribbles on her legal pad. Another nod to go on.

“Don’t get me wrong. Sometimes I do feel as if he loves me like a child. There are times that he’s so sweet and gentle, times that he holds me close and I feel so completely his. But it’s not like it is with his kids. Oh God. Is this another thing that goes back to the fact that we’re not going to ever have a child together?”

Counselor: Please don’t make me laugh at you. Keep going and you’ll figure it out on your own just as you always do. I’m a safe place for you to voice it aloud and set it all straight. So do it. I’m not going to do it for you.

“I always hit this point and chicken out, don’t I? I run off on a tangent in an attempt to not face the real issue. Fuck!”

A nod and a gentle but definitely prompting smile from the counselor.

“I never had anyone to love me like that. I never had anyone who was proud of me, who wanted to show me off to their family and friends. Neither of my parents at least. Mt Grandma and one aunt, perhaps. That only lasted so long though. Once I grew up and realized I had a brain it was all over.”

In full blown panic mode, just as I am when I am on the verge of a realization, I grabbed a tissue and let the tears fall.

“I want someone to love me like that. Someone to protect me and hold me, someone to show me off and tell me that they’re proud of me. Approval, acceptance, and unconditional love. God. I don’t ask for much do I?”

Quietly I blow my nose and lean back against the sofa. I let the tears fall freely for a moment before continuing.

“I’m so ashamed of my behavior this morning. I can’t believe that I was so envious of an eleven year old child. I wasn’t upset with him or with The Knight. I was scared and completely confused by my reaction to the situation. Now it makes sense but I can’t take it back.”

She handed me another tissue and watched me for a moment before speaking.

Counselor: You’re healing. There was a time when you wouldn’t have even acknowledged the pain this has caused you. You wouldn’t have worked through it or even known to be ashamed of your reaction. I’d venture to say that there probably was a time you didn’t even want the kind of love you have or want because you didn’t trust anyone enough to let them give it to you. Now you do and you’re remaining open to the possibilities. And even though it’s about that time for today, I want you to give some thought to doing some of the exercises we mentioned before. I think that maybe you’re ready for them and not only will it help you heal, it will show you that he does love you the way you need and want, but you have to give him an opening. So think about it and let me know.

I thought about it on the way home. I’m still thinking about it. How can I do the exercises knowing that I’ll have to explain them to him? What if he laughs and completely refuses? It’s not what I need right now. Maybe what I’m really worried about is that he would readily agree to them. Then he’ll see how deep the wounds are, how ugly the scars are that I’ve hidden for all this time. I’ll think about it, really, I will. Just not today. Enough is enough for one day. 

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Let’s be frank, shall we?

It’s come to my attention that people have ideas about blogs and the people who keep them. They think they’re a comedian because they frequently use humor to tell their tale. They perhaps find them to be intellectual because they use five dollar words. Sometimes, they even think that they’re sexy because they write about sex and all sorts of deliciously naughty things.

Guess again.

Oh, sure there are some sexy bloggers out there. Take Nina for example. Then there’s Orchidea and Meg. They’re the exceptions to the rule because they really are physically attractive. More than a few sexy bloggers exist, I know. However, just because they can write a few hot stories or regale you with a tale of their exploits doesn’t make them hot.

Case in point?

Me. Yours truly.

No, seriously.  Listen.

Some of you have posted about my site. You’ve given me some amazing compliments. Some of you have even called me a MILF and had others agree.

Hold up!

No one has ever seen a picture of me. Yes, I have given a physical description more than once. Sure, I’ve been honest about my round tummy and my fleshy thighs, not to mention my massive ass. Yet those are words. Pictures are different. Pictures are brutal truth when you’ve always had sugar-coated honesty.

No, I’m not going to post a picture. Not even if you paid me. So please don’t ask. I prefer the mystery. I prefer the generous MILF compliments that I receive, even if they’re not dead on. Even if they’re ego boosts full of fluff.

So why am I writing about it?

My writing is spilling over into non-sexual arenas. These people have read this site and suddenly the possibility of meeting is very real. It’s real and it terrifies me.

This isn’t like Internet dating, folks. Been there, done that. Write a profile, submit a photo, and hope for the best. Those people knew I was a fat chick, a BBW with more to offer than a load of chub. They just happened to be attracted to fat chicks and a fat chick with a personality and a brain were a bonus. I did well with that one small part of my personal adoring public.

This is different.

I worry that when they meet me I will immediately turn them off. I worry that my hips and my ass will overshadow anything I have to say. I worry that my personality won’t shine through the extra weight.

I worry that once they meet me and find me lacking that my writing dreams will vanish into thin air because they won’t be able to reconcile the things I write with who I really am.

What an odd position to be in. How vulnerable and naked I feel just now.

Oh and if you happen to be one of those people I’ll soon be meeting-
Please know that there’s more to me than what meets the eye.

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I don’t have it in me to pretend that nothing’s wrong. So I don’t say anything. I don’t hide anything, but I don’t come right out and say it. I need the option of holding myself in check, this illusion that I have about having some control over what my heart is feeling and how it repsonds. That’s not to say he doesn’t know. He does. He just doesn’t realize that he put us here.

Plans are changing. Nothing is the way it was last week, before we argued. Before the words were spoken that he can’t take back. Before I wished for the first time ever that I’d never let myself get this far. Before I knew what I know now.

All the songs about diamonds losing their shine, about the rings losing their shine- those songs are true. It doesn’t look the same or feel the same. If I was really honest, it doesn’t even mean what it meant before. I’ve often said that I can convince myself of anything and his words proved me right once more. Even if they were words shouted in the heat of the argument, they still hurt. Some things you just can’t take back.

The weekend was wonderful. Please don’t get me wrong. He was the same amazingly sweet and loving man that I am used to him being. We talked and we laughed and he held me so tenderly. All the things that I love about us, about him, all the things that make the tough times so worth it. The weekend held all of those things and then some. It also just proved to me why I have such a hard time knowing what words to take to heart, what words to believe. It proved to me exactly why it hurts so much more when we fight and he says the things he said.

Perhaps it makes sense now, why I’m playing it safe. Why I’m holding things close to my heart where they’re safe inside.

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A new one by an old favorite, Tim McGraw. Even hot men in cowboy hats have something to say, music to move and inspire. With all I’ve been thinking about and going through this week, this one just feels right. It feels good and so very right.

I’ve been caught sideways out here on the crossroads
Trying to buy back the pieces I lost of my soul
It’s hard when the devil won’t get off your back
It’s like carrying around the past in a hundred pound sack

[Chorus]
Today I’m gonna keep on walking
I’m gonna hold my head up high
I’m gonna leave it all behind
Today I’m gonna stand out in the rain
Let it wash it all away Yeah wash it all away
I’m gonna let it go Oh yeah
I’m gonna let it go Oh yeah

Skeletons and Ghosts are hiding in the shadows
Threatening me with all the things that they know
Choices and mistakes, they all know my name
But I’m through holding in and holding onto all that pain

[Chorus]

I know I know I know I’ve been forgiven
I know I know I know I’m gonna start living

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I’m lusting like mad today. Lusting for him. Lusting for release. Lusting for this chair. If I had an extra grand to spend, that’s what I’d spend it on. How crazy is that? A chair for sexual escapades. And I’d put it in my room, in the alcove in front of the window.

Perhaps if I had one, I’d be able to entice him to the point of making love with me face to face. We go too long between missionary positions. Too long without being able to see his blue eyes flash with the electricity- as rare as a summer storm, but heady stuff just the same.

As I looked through their position guide I was in awe. How simple it all looked. How innocent and romantic it all seemed to me. I guess that says a lot about my state of mind right now, doesn’t it?

Tonight I’ll take my time with him. I’ll lick and suck, nibble and devour every inch of his delicious skin and throbbing cock. Even the parts that are taboo. I’ll do what makes him hot, what makes him hang on the edge, teetering precariously between control and none. And I’ll love of every second, every thrust, every moan and every sigh.

How sexy and feminine it feels to be so in love, to be so lost in lust.

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I know I promised details of our recent sexual escapades. I know it’s what you expect to find on a so-called “sex blog” and if you’re disappointed, I’m sorry. Today is about real life, ladies and gents. So though there isn’t much sex talk happening, sit back and read on.

Real life has brought me some amazing opportunities. Having recently been exposed to a new MMORPG, I’ve been checking it out. It’s still in beta, but not for much longer. Along with DDO, this one has completely won me over. In my attempt to be a better consumer (gamer?) I’m known to spend time checking out various gaming sites like Gamespot and IGN. However, my first love is Ten Ton Hammer. Seriously, it’s love.

Through my new love I came to find out about some volunteer writing opportunities. Though I am nowhere near the geek that others are, I decided to email them and see what happened. The very next day they returned my email and it was done. I’ve finished one article and I have two more on the way to being complete. This is tough stuff! I have a new found respect for writers in the gaming industry. (I’m also in the running for a paid position with them, by the way. So please keep your fingers crossed.)

Along with my game writing, I’ve been exploring the possibility of adding my thoughts elsewhere on other sites. Most of them will not be paid, but the exposure is more than worth it for me. Not only that, but it feels really good to have people asking me to contribute to their creative outlets. Very good indeed.

Oh and my new game fixation?

Lord of The Rings Online

I love it. It’s the best of all worlds. The best part? It’s done by Turbine. Yes, Turbine- the same people that allowed me to become addicted to DDO. Really, I can’t say enough about it. So, if there are any couples out there who game together, let me know. My gamer tags and server info are in my sidebar. Finding people to play with is a good thing.

Two birthdays this week. Biggest Guy and Littlest Guy. When I look at them, it’s amazing the changes I can see. In two years, a blip on the radar screen of their lives, they have gone from baby faced children to young men in training. How awesome it’s been to be a part of their lives, a part of their changes. As with The Girls, the gift of their presence in my life is something I wouldn’t trade for anything. Yes, even on the days when they’re so wild and rambunctious that I want to scream.

I think that’s about it. At least for today. Surely something else will come up and when it does, I promise to fill you in. For now, thank you for your wonderfully kind emails and healing energy. In a world as cold and cynical as cyberspace can be, it’s nice to know that kindness can still be found.

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I can smell him on my skin. I can taste him on my lips. My tongue delights in the knowledge of him and my cunt tightens in anticipation of what is to come, even though it aches from recent use. My ass is wonderfully stretched and tingling, leaving no doubt in my mind who it is that I belong to- who it is that I belong with.

The muscles of my body rejoice even as they cry out in pain. These sensations are powerful but not as powerful as the hours spent in subspace at the hands of the man who calls me his very own. Loved. Cherished. Owned. Possessed. All those things in the most intimate and meaningful sense of the words.

Five glorious and amazingly emotional times we’ve made love in less than twenty-four hours. We’ve talked and shared things that I never imagined possible. I’ve laid in his arms with the bittersweet tears of release falling freely and I have enjoyed each and every second. We’re us again, not the us we’ve been lately but the lovers we were when we first met, when the reality and brutal truth finally set in, when our eyes opened wide and we ran wild and free.

I’ll tell you about them tomorrow when the sun streams through our window and the sheets on our bed are more tangled than before. Only this time they’ll be tangled by sleep, a deep and satisfying sleep that comes only after you’ve been granted release.

As I fall asleep, this song echoes through my mind…

When moonlight crawls along the street
Chasing away the summer heat
Footsteps outside somewhere below
The world revolves I let it go
We build our church above this street
We practice love between these sheets
The candy sweetness scent of you
It bathes my skin I’m stained by you
And all I have to do is hold you
There’s a racing in my heart
I am barely touching you

[Chorus]

Turn the lights down low
Take it off
Let me show
My love for you
Insatiable
Turn me on
Never stop
Wanna taste every drop
My love for you
Insatiable

The moonlight plays upon your skin
A kiss that lingers takes me in
I fall asleep inside of you
There are no words
There’s only truth
Breathe in Breathe out
There is no sound
We move together up and down
We levitate our bodies soar
Our feet don’t even touch the floor
And nobody knows you like I do
The world doesn’t understand
But I grow stronger in your hands

[Chorus]

Turn the lights down low
Take it off
Let me show
My love for you
Insatiable
Turn me on
Never stop
Wanna taste every drop
My love for you
Insatiable

Turn the lights down low
Take it off
Let me show
My love for you
Insatiable
Turn me on
Never stop
Wanna taste every drop
My love for you
Insatiable

We never sleep we’re always holdin’ hands
Kissin’ for hours talkin’ makin’ plans
I feel like a better man
Just being in the same room
We never sleep there’s just so much to do
Too much to say
Can’t close my eyes when I’m with you
Insatiable the way I’m loving you

[Chorus]

Turn the lights down low
Take it off
Let me show
My love for you
Insatiable
Turn me on
Never stop
Wanna taste every drop
My love for you
Insatiable

Turn the lights down low
Take it off
Let me show
My love for you
Insatiable
Turn me on
Never stop
Wanna taste every drop
My love for you
Insatiable

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