If I die
Let them know that being their mother was the most precious gift.
Let them know that they are beautiful, inside and out.
Let them know I love them for all time.

If I die
Remind them of the times they made me smile.
Remind them of the mornings spent on lunches and evenings on homework.
Remind them that my love for them remains.

If I die
Tell them that I couldn’t have asked for better parents.
Tell them that all I wanted was to make them proud.
Tell them that I was always proud to be their daughter.

If I die
Remember me.
Remember the times we spent laughing so hard our sides ached.
Remember the moments we celebrated our love in silence.
Remember the passion and the quiet desperation as we held one another close.
Remember the delight, the ecstasy, the elation we found in one another.
Remember the friendship, the partnership.
Remember the love.

If I die
Please don’t forget me.
Please don’t ever stop loving me.

If I die
Don’t let my words die with me.

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The time with my parents actually went well. Even The Knight commented on Mama and her lack of complaining and pointing out my faults. I think they all had a good time, us with them and them with us. I liked spending time with them and I look forward to doing it again soon.

As for us, my Knight and I…

We’re lovers face to face. Actually, more than once we’ve been. As soon as my parents left yesterday afternoon and again this morning. Sweet and gentle to start, hard and passionate to finish.

I licked and sucked his magnificent cock to its full potential. With my tongue I nudged his berries and lapped at him like a cat laps at cream. His body is my playground, mine to explore, mine to tease and torture. As my hand stroked the head of his throbbing cock, my tongue licked the space between his front and his back and I struggled to keep mt grasp on him.

How I love to make him writhe and squirm.

When I knew he could take no more, I grabbed the lubricant of our choice and began to stroke him slowly.

“God that feels so good!”

I couldn’t help but delight in his pleasure more than usual, so I asked him if I should keep going. I asked if he preferred to be tossed off rather than buried in my ass as he originally thought.

“No! I want to fuck your delicious ass. I’m going to lay you on your back on the edge of the bed and slide my cock into you while I stroke your clit. First I’m going to take you from behind, stretch you out a bit then I’ll turn you over.”

With that he moved to stand by the edge of our bed. I rolled onto my tummy and stuck my full ass into the air. As the head of his cock pressed against my hole, I knew it wouldn’t take long for either of us to climax. In one smooth motion he was buried to the hilt in my hot and eager ass. As he fucked me gently, I couldn’t help but beg for him to finish, to come inside of me right then and there.

“Turn over. I’m going to do what I told you. Now lay on the edge of the bed.”

I did as I was told and laid at the edge of the bed with my ass dangling. He lifted my hips and spread my legs, leaving them to rest for a moment on his shoulders. As his cock slid in I cried out in pleasure. All I wanted was to be fucked by my Master, taken again and again.

His fingers found my clit and began to stroke in earnest. As he rubbed and pushed against my hardened nub I felt myself begin to climax. Over and over again my ass clenched around his cock, trying desperately to coax his orgasm from him, trying desperately to milk his cock dry.

My hands and fingers grabbed at my breasts. As I pinched and pulled on my nipples, I knew that soon he would fill me with his sweet essence. With his thumb still nestled against my clit he began to fuck me faster than before, with his cock buried as deeply as possible and his sac slapping against the spread cheeks of my ass. One final thrust and I felt him flood my ass with his white hot come.

Slowly he traced circles around my clit and moved his spent cock within me. Almost as if he hadn’t finished, he started to move his cock in and out of my ass once more. My eyes met his for the briefest moment then closed as one more thrust brought him fully into me once more. With his fingers on my clit and his cock buried in my ass I felt his body tremble and his cock spasm one more time.

As he leaned down to kiss me he lingered against my body. There we were, pressed length to length for one small second. As his lips brushed mine I saw in his eyes the things that I haven’t seen in so long. I saw in those dreamy blue pools all the things that I had wished and yearned for.

We drifted to sleep with his arms around me.

Though I don’t know when we actually spoke or how, I know he whispered his love for me and he mentioned climaxing not once but twice. It hasn’t happened in a long time, a multiple orgasm for him. The last time was when I had my mouth on him several months ago. How deliciously erotic it is. How wonderful it feels, knowing I can do something good for him, the way he does them for me.

How good it feels when we’re lovers face to face.

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In July I posted about the things I wanted to experience before I die. The basic list is the same, I suppose. Tonight as I sat wrapped in his arms, surrounded by my parents and the love they share, I realized that it was time to revise my list. If you’re interested, the original list is available for you to read. Go there before you read on.

1. Be his wife…and an ultraelegant wedding isn’t necessary. Sharing his last name is what matters most to me.
2. See my girls become well-adjusted adults, women who can be strong AND be loved.
3. Visit Paris.
4. Own an iPod…a black one with massive storage.
5. Spend more time laughing with Mama.
6. Spend more time loving The Knight…so that even if I’m gone, he never ever forgets that he was my One, my only true love.
7. Be myself.
8. Be comfortable in my own skin.
9. Love myself.
10. See myself as my Knight sees me.

I wish we could have a beautiful wedding. I wish it with all my heart, almost as much I wish we could have had a baby together. Right now it isn’t meant to be. Treatment costs money, money that we’re struggling to come up with despite our best efforts. (Yes, I’m writing, but not as much because let’s face it, I’m exhausted. No matter how the ideas flow, it takes energy to get them out of my head and onto paper. Shame on me for falling short, I know.)

I wish we could make love more. The truth of the matter is…that too isn’t always possible. No one ever told me that chemo was going to make every inch of my body ache. No one ever told me that it wouldn’t make the bleeding stop or the cramps go away. No one ever told me just how bad the nausea would be. All of that and I know that my sex drive is purely emotional, purely mental- because physically, it’s work. I won’t tell him that I want him to touch me because I’m not as slippery wet as I used to be. I won’t tell him that even my clit won’t respond to my own commands. I won’t tell him, but I want to…God knows how I want to! To be touched and stroked, kissed and caressed, would be unequivocally the most wonderful thing right now. But because I know it’s not his thing, I won’t tell him and I certainly won’t ask.

What have I learned from all of this? (”all of this” being the cancer and the treatment)

He loves me. Without question, I know and feel his love each and every single day. My own insecurities drown out the evidence of his wanting me or desiring me, and I try not to let them get the best of me. I try to drown them out with the knowledge that no one has ever loved me the way he does. No one ever could or ever will. I have learned to open my heart and soul to the possibility, whatever that possibility may be.

I fought to stay out of the hospital this time. I promised bed rest and faithful avoidance of anything on the forbidden list (and God knows there is a hellaciously long list!) so long as I could stay home. I know I’m stubborn. I know I’m strong willed. I know that my doctor will never let me forget it if I can’t stay well. This is where I want to be. This is where I need to be. Surrounded by my family, by the people who are perfectly imperfect, who love me so very much. I know I should sleep, but the fact of the matter is-

I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While youre far away dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure

Dont want to close my eyes
I dont want to fall asleep
Cause Id miss you baby
And I dont want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
Id still miss you baby
And I dont want to miss a thing

Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
And Im wondering what youre dreaming
Wondering if its me youre seeing
Then I kiss your eyes
And thank God were together
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever
Forever and ever

Dont want to close my eyes
I dont want to fall asleep
Cause Id miss you baby
And I dont want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
Id still miss you baby
And I dont want to miss a thing

I dont want to miss one smile
I dont want to miss one kiss
I just want to be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just want to hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time

Dont want to close my eyes
I dont want to fall asleep
Cause Id miss you baby
And I dont want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
Id still miss you baby
And I dont want to miss a thing

Dont want to close my eyes
I dont want to fall asleep
I dont want to miss a thing

P.S. For those who are interested, here’s a picture of my engagement ring. Better late than never, right?

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Tomorrow my parents are coming to visit. This on the heels of finding out that my labs weren’t what they should be. A fever rages and I can’t take ibuprofen or acetaminophen, and I’m on antibiotics. The house is a mess (which happens when the main housekeeper isn’t available to do it), my skin is out of control, and I’m sexually frustrated. Does anyone think that adding my parents to the mix is wise? Not I!

I love being in my own house, here in the home that The Knight and I have made together. Even when it’s messy, it serves as a reminder of all the things we have. It reminds me to be thankful for the little messmakers that are living up to their full potential. How dull life would be without their laughter and their mess.

Right now I’m struggling to deal with the immense guilt that is eating me alive. I feel horrible for being sick, for inconveniencing those that I love. Granted, I am the only one who sees it as an inconvenience. I’m the only one who gives a damn and the only one who inisists on not being treated like an invalid. I’m trying to relax and let people do things for me, things that I am perfectly capable of doing myself. It’s not easy for someone like me but no one wants to hear it.

Thankfully, in the midst of all this, my relationship with The Knight isn’t something I’m stressing about. We’re right on, for the most part. He has so much going on right now that just the thought of it makes me tired, but he keeps it going. And at the end of the day, he still has time to hold me tight and remind me that he loves me.  Our sex life isn’t what I would like it to be, but it’s not completely gone yet. With things being what they are, I guess even in that department we’re doing alright, but I want more. Not just quantity but quality. I long to be touched and teased, and truth be told, part of me wishes to even be tasted. Some things just aren’t meant to be.

I’m going to keep blogging. I don’t know if I will keep what little anonimity I have left in tact, but that decision can wait for another day. I like my site. I like the person I am when I sit down and let the words flow freely from my heart and soul through my fingertips. Right now it’s not something I’m ready to give up. So you’re stuck with me for a bit longer.

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This blog is no longer a place of sanctuary. It’s no longer a safe place to turn and write about my life and the love The Knight and I share. Time and again the walls of anonimity have been breached and the inner workings violated.

I feel that I have reached a crossroads but I have no idea which way to go. I like to think that people can relate to the things that I have written here. I like to think that still others have found the proof that they need to know that they’re not alone in their relationships or the unique situations their D/s lifestyle puts them in. I must be doing something right because thousands of people visit every day.

When I started this site, I chose to remain anonymous because of people in my past. I chose to avoid any accidental findings by my family or friends. I was hoping to lessen the likelihood of stalking, etc. Now it doesn’t matter. It was all for naught.

If I keep this site open, do I reveal my identity, my given name? Do I keep the name that The Knight gave me within weeks of knowing me? Or is it time to just close up shop and go quietly into the night?

I don’t have the answers. They’re not readily available and it seems that my local Wal-greens is no longer keeping them in stock. Frankly, I don’t have the energy to decide right now.

I’m taking some time to think on it. Some time to weigh my options and sort some things out. Please feel free to let me know what you think. I’m always available by email.

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This has been the longest week in history. If anything could happen, it’s happened. It’s been cold and rainy and I have been trying my best to avoid getting sick. Heaven knows I don’t need that on top of everything else.

My parents were supposed to bring my niece and nephew up this weekend to visit while The Girls were here. I was so looking forward to seeing them and spending time with my parents. Last night Mama called and told me that Dad is in the hospital with pneumonia.

I begged to go and be there with them. The Knight wrapped his arms around me as I cried and told me that he wouldn’t tell me not to go but to think about it before I did it. Then we talked a bit and I realized he and Mama were right. The hospital is the last place I need to be right now. It’s a risk I can’t afford.

It’s so hard for me to be here while they’re there. I’m used to being the one who always interprets what the doctors are saying. I’m used to being the one who does the running around, the caretaking and anything else I can do to help them get better or make their lives easier. This whole sitting on the sidelines thing sucks.

That’s just the latest in a long line of things that have made this week seem to hellishly long.

My sister is engaged. Well, not officially engaged, but he bought her the ring they went shopping for. Her MySpace page is all about rings and wedding things and if I didn’t laugh about it, I’d cry.

Just a month ago The Knight and I were in the middle of planning our own wedding. The location, photographer, and dj were all booked. A definite date had been set. And I was looking forward to it more than mere words could ever convey.

Now we’re not doing it. Medical appointments, treatments, and medications must come first. With the little that’s left over we collectively have five children to feed and clothe. I know in my head that it just has to be this way, but my heart is still struggling.

My heart isn’t afraid to voice my fears. If we don’t have our dream wedding now, what if we don’t have the chance later? What if the treatments don’t work and there isn’t time to have the wedding we planned? In the big picture I suppose it doesn’t even matter. Knowing that things are as they are, I’m sure it’s incredibly selfish to even want to get married. So I’m incredibly selfish…not a big surprise, right?

Add to the week a dash of the ex-husband, a pinch of his new girlfriend, and even a letter from my aunt that I haven’t spoken to in years and you can see why it’s been a nightmare. A genuine shit week.

I’m searching the sky for the cloud with that fabled silver lining, but now more than ever I’m convinced that when it rains it pours. And wouldn’t you know, doesn’t it just figure that I’m standing in the middle without an umbrella?

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I wish I could undo them all. All of the mistakes I’ve made. Each and every one. I wish I had trusted myself and The Knight more than I did so long ago. I wish I had taken a different path and left bread crumbs so I could find my way back to my original thought processes.

I can wish my life away but it won’t do any good. I know that and still I wish on. All I want is to hold my babies, pullt hem close and whisper to them how sorry that I am. How desperately sorry I am for the mistakes that I made that have led us to this place.

She’s beautiful, I know. I can feel it in my soul that she is gorgeous. That would be the perfect thing, really. Here I sit with my hair thinning and my skin erupting, with my insides running down my leg and landing in a puddle at my feet. Of course she’s gorgeous.

The saddest part is the fact that I would probably even like her if I didn’t worry about her so much. If I wasn’t so convinced that he brought her in to replace me in their life. This isn’t how I envisioned all of this going. It’s not what I thought of when I thought of us moving on and growing up. I’m ashamed and I don’t know how else to say it.

There’s more to me than what is in this blog. There is more to me than what he says about me, than what his family says about me. She’ll never know it and certainly she doesn’t care. I said things I didn’t mean and my actions were out of line. Desperation is to blame. My desperation to be with my babies, to share with them and hold them close, my desperation to be first in their hearts.

No excuse is good enough. I know that. All I can do is sort through and get rid of the half truths and full on lies. All I can do is conduct myself properly and act accordingly in the future. All I can do is hope and pray that before I die I have the forgiveness of all involved. It’s about being humble and being human and right now I realize that in the big picture that’s all I am

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I haven’t told Mama about the chemo. The closest I’ve come to it is mentioning a “what if” and nothing more. She’ll mother-hen me to death, I just know it. She’ll want to coddle and cluck over me and make me stay in bed. Life doesn’t stop when you’re sick, but you can’t tell her that.

She is desperate to help me. She wants in. Like The Knight, she wants to shoulder some of the burden but I don’t know how to let her, how to let either of them.

She wants to take The Knight and I on a mini vacation. How odd a thing it is considering that she has never before mentioned such a thing. Is it possible that she is changing in her old age? I don’t think I can see us spending a weekend with my parents at the beach, but I’ll ask him anyway.

The beach sounds delightful to me. The sun, the sand, the warm water at sunset, and the moonlight at night…all good things. It would do me good to get away. Yet I dare not dream of it too much. He’ll probably say no and it will be with good reason. Still, I wish we could. How I’d love to spend time on a beach…time in a beautiful place with the people that I love. I guess we’ll see.

In other news…

The Ex has moved on. Word has trickled down that he’s found himself a girlfriend. Poor girl. Ok, so she isn’t a girl. She apparently has four children, two of whom are grown, and she is thirty-seven years old. I don’t know much more than that and I suppose I don’t care to, really.

It makes me think, though, about people who swear to love you forever then don’t. How many times has it happened? Regardless of whether or not the love is reciprocated, when they move on it makes you wonder if there really is such a thing. Is it possible for anyone to love forever? I ask the question while swearing it to The Knight. That’s because I know me. I know how I feel, how I think, and I know that forever is definitely the plan.

Some love The Ex had for me. So why is it odd knowing that whatever it was, it is no more? Hmm. I guess this is one of those things that they talk about experiencing after you’re divorced, one of those things I never thought I would think about.

Supposedly I’ll meet her this weekend, this new girlfriend of his. The Ex has a girlfriend that he is bringing along to the exchange. Holy. Fucking. Shit.

And still more news…

Sperm Donor has heard that I’m sick and suddenly he wants to help. I’ve told my sister that I will think about it. After all, I have survived this long without him or his money. Why should I take it now?

Because it would make life easier. It would relieve some of the stress I have about the financial aspect of treatment. It would afford me the opportunity to seek other therapy while doing chemo. Money isn’t everything but it makes everything easier.

I told my sister that I wouldn’t let Sperm Donor see The Girls. I’ve explained that I have no desire to have any sort of relationship with him. I have a Dad and Sperm Donor isn’t it. If he can accept that, then maybe I’ll take the money. If he can’t, then I won’t. No loss for me. (Though it does make me wonder if I’ll still get my trust fund, if it still exists, at thirty-five as it was originally intended?)

And that’s it. All that’s going on with me. Except for the tears, the feeling of fear that I can’t shake today. I can’t wait for The Knight to get home so he can hold me tight. Sometimes I feel like a child, lost and alone…so very alone. Sometimes the only thing that makes it better is him.

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I know I should write more. There’s plenty to get out, to tell the world or put down in words simply to remind myself. Lack of updates come from exhaustion and the realities that come with cancer, realities that I am only just beginning to know. Do not pity me. Do not think for a moment that I am whining or taking this lying down. My loved ones may wish that I would go to bed and let it ride, but it’s not my way.

Right now I’m fighting this thing with all that I am. I am looking for new and better ways. I am examining everything I ever thought I knew or wanted. I am regretting, forgetting, and reminding myself time and again. I’m looking in the mirror and into my soul. All of those things are time consuming and I could use them as an excuse, but it wouldn’t be the truth.

The truth is-

I’m too busy being in love. I’m too busy soaking up the moments of peace and contentment that are my shelters in the storm of fear and uncertainty. I’m far too busy laughing and smiling, living with all that I am, to take a break and capture it all in words. Even now I realize that the thing I have always had to fall back on has fallen short. Words can’t even begin to tell you or those that I hold dear what I’m thinking or how I’m feeling.

I’m sure I should make plans. Maybe even think about things to do “just in case” but the reality of it all, the excuse that I’ll use when it’s too late and my lack of responsibility bites me in the possibly dead but proverbial ass is-

I was too busy being in love. With love, with life, with our collective children, with my Knight…I was too busy being in love.

If i had taken the time
To write down a few lines
Everytime that you crossed this heart of mine
I’d put them all in a book
How much time would that have took
The words and years have a way of slipping back

Oh no! Too bad, there goes the chance that i had
I could have written a play so sweet and so funny
Given old Mr. Shakespere a run for his money
Written the words to the prettiest tune
That would never leave a dry eye in the room
My only excuse for not doing enough
I was too busy being in love
Yes I was too busy being in love

Brand new phrases appear everytime you are near
All this words you inspire after all these years
But i never reached for a pen
Break the mood that im in
Before I knew that the words were gone again

Oh no! Too bad, there goes the chance that i had
I could have written a play so sweet and so funny
Given old Mr. Shakespere a run for his money
Written the words to the prettiest tune
That would never leave a dry eye in the room
My only excuse for not doing enough
I was too busy being in love
Yes I was too busy being in love

I could have written the poem to make younglovers crazy
I could have written the movie for Hepburn and Tracey
Most beautiful song and it starts with your name
Written my way into fortune and fame
But i have no regrets for not doing enough
I was too busy being in love
Yes i was too busy being in love

Too Busy Being In Love~Doug Stone

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I’m not political in the least. The majority of the time I don’t know what’s going on in Congress or who has the House majority. Politics aren’t my thing. However, I vote and I pay attention to the campaigns of the Presidential hopefuls.

I don’t like Hillary Clinton. I don’t think she belongs in the White House anymore than she should be a role model for todays female population. Others disagree and that’s fine by me. Sure, a woman in the White House would be great. Just not that woman.

So who am I completely behind?

Obama, my friends, Obama.

As I was reading this article this morning I realized that his wife is part of the reason I have chosen to support him. On his own he’s brilliant- honest and genuine, sexy and charismatic, a man with a vision for our country. He’s not perfect but damn the man has kept his nose clean. Extraordinary considering that he’s already written and sold a “tell all” book, which has just made people dig harder for dirt on him. They’ve come up empty handed and I love it.

My only hope is that women voters will step forward and make their voices heard. I hope that they will see beyond the woman in the White House campaign of Hillary Clinton. The time for cashing in on our gender is long past. Our country is in dire need of a President who will get the job done and done well for the American people, for our children and grandchildren.

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