For my family, for my friends…

For the smiles, for the tears…

For the love of my life, for The Knight…

For today, for tomorrow, for a hundred years…

For Everything

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It’s not like it is in the movies. There’s no handsome man on the other side of the desk. There’s nothing outside but sunshine, not thunder and lightning then a torrential downpour of rain. There’s nothing in a movie or a book that can possibly prepare you for what they’re about to tell you. This is not a movie and you suddenly realize that life really isn’t a dress rehearsal.

As I glance at the box of Kleenex in front of me I can’t help but wonder why it looks so out of place. I hear his voice. I hear the words, but my focus is on that damned Kleenex box that obviously doesn’t normally reside there. The doctor calls my name and I blink myself back to the matters at hand.

“You’re young. Though the odds are low, I don’t suggest that you stop treatments.”

And just like that I realize what he’s saying. I realize that all my time spent hoping and praying that this is nothing more than a blip on the radar did absolutely nothing. I realize, almost too late, that life is too damn short and I reach for the Kleenex box that stares me down.

So I ask him to give it to me straight. I ask him to talk numbers, percentages and I ask him to not bullshit me. Then I remind him that I like him, that I see him because I believe he’ll do the very best even if I don’t have money.

He laughs a laugh that doesn’t sound anything less than genuinely sad before he exhales.

“Eighty/twenty that it can’t be beat. That’s a text book number, not what I think. Like I said, you’re young and you have an amazing attitude. Still, the choice is yours.”

The choice is mine. What choice? I want to scream and pretend to be one of those actresses that can let go and not apologize for destroying the office. I want to be the woman who lets silent tears fall from her eyes without a sound. Instead I close my eyes and just be exactly what I am- a scared little girl who is unsure and completely falling apart.

His hand is on my shoulder and I know he means well. I want to thank him and leave with dignity but I can’t move.

“I can give you something. Something to help you, something to calm your nerves. I can’t imagine being in your position but some people find it helpful to have something.”

I shake my head and wipe my eyes.

“I want to do this without being numb. I want to feel every single thing from now on, whether it’s good or bad. But thank you for your offer and if I change my mind I will let you know. I’ll also call you tomorrow and let you know what I’ve decided.”

I grab my purse and walk out, leaving the door open behind me. I know I made it to the car and I even managed to get home. Yet I don’t remember the drive itself. I don’t remember anything until I got home and realized I was in the arms of my Knight.

We’ve decided to fight. I’m not giving up yet. Even if the treatment doesn’t work, it’ll be six more months which will make it more than a year. If I fight, even if it doesn’t work, I’ll have eighteen months. To laugh, to love…to live.

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Forgive me for my silence. Forgive me for my selfishness. Forgive me for being self-absorbed right now. I don’t mean to be and believe me, I wish I wasn’t. How I wish I wasn’t forced to be the way I am.

On Friday the doctor called with the results of my lymph node biopsy. On Friday he called to tell me what I was so convinced couldn’t possibly have happened. On Friday the doctor told me that the cancer has spread to my lymph nodes, told me that my battle just became all uphill.

I’m only thirty. Sure, I’m overweight but I’ve always been healthy in spite of it. Until now, every physician was amazed that my bloodwork was so wonderful, that I was as active as I used to be. I’m only thirty. This shouldn’t be happening to me.

The Knight and I have argued since Friday. I’ve tried to reason with him. I’ve tried to walk away, tried to set him free. This is *my* problem! Yet he refuses to hear it. He refuses to admit that it would be better all the way around, better for everyone involved. If there ever is a soul who is more stubborn than me, it would be The Knight. My Knight is all that and so much more.

I’ll meet with the doctor tomorrow to discuss the next step. We had a plan of action in place, before we knew what we know now. I don’t know how much that plan will have to be altered and I don’t know what the changes are going to mean. I’ve read a lot online and in my books from nursing school, but everyone is different. What happened to someone else might not be what happens to me.

This coming weekend I’m going to try to stock up on things to keep myself busy. I’ll be buying some yarn and some needles so that I can crochet. I’ll be getting my laptop fixed so I can have it with me upstairs, in case I can’t get out of bed. I have coloring books and crayons, so all I need is to find a used book store where I can buy some cheap paperbacks to keep me busy. It’s almost like setting in the stores for a long winter, except for the fact that money is tight so the stores will be quite basic, no frills.

I’m a social person and I hate to be alone. The thought of staying in bed, upstairs away from the rest of the world makes me sick. I guess at least I’ll have the phone and my email, something to keep me in touch with the world outside my window. (So if anyone fancies a chat, let me know!)

One last gripe before I go-

No one ever tells you about the pain. It hurts bad enough, the cramping from the meds and such. Now it’s a different kind of pain. It’s back pain and bone pain, the kind that won’t go away on its own. They don’t want to give me anything narcotic yet because I “will probably need it more later on.” Rumor has it that marijuana is helpful, but I’ve never smoked it and I don’t know where to get it. Oh yeah and there’s this whole thing about it being illegal.

Be patient with me. I’ll update as often as I can. I’ll even comment as much as possible. The thing is, I won’t make any promises. Please understand.

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Some moments are more beautiful than words could ever possible express. Some moments are beyond description. When I experience those moments I am so torn between holding them in or trying to find the words to tell the world. So if my words fall short, forgive me.

The Knight held me close and whispered in my ear all the things he loved about me right that second. He touched my head and inhaled the scent of my scalp, explaining what it was about the scent that he liked. His hands traveled down and caressed every inch of my body from my ears to my ample bottom. My skin tingled and my pussy was so wet. Even when I think I’m not interested, I respond to everything about the man that is my Master, my One.

I touched and stroked his most sensitive places. He instructed me to not touch his hard cock and I obeyed. I let my fingers linger at his perineum because I know how good it feels for him. Gently I pressed my finger at the opening of his ass as I cupped his testicles and kissed his mouth, my tongue tangling lazily with his. It felt good to kiss and linger, to explore and enjoy foreplay with him.

He made me lay on my back and spread my legs. As he situated himself between my spread thighs I felt his fingers brush over my clit and instantly I tried to stop him. Though I had longed for his touch down there, I didn’t want him to feel as if he had to…I wanted him to want to. He shushed me and whispered how much he loved to touch me as a finger slipped into my ass and another stroked my clit.

I don’t know how many times he made me come that way. I lost count after number five and my brain couldn’t form a single thought. As his fingers traced a path from my clit to my ass, it was my undoing once again. In the midst of an intense climax I felt the bed shift ever so slightly and as his fingers parted the swollen lips of my cunt his tongue flicked across my throbbing clit.

He moved me over to my hands and knees and I couldn’t help but comment on the fact that my pussy was literally dripping wet. I could smell the scent of my sex and hear the sound of his labored breathing. He slid his cock into my ass and I felt my body begin to clutch him deeper inside. I couldn’t get enough of him, of his cock in the deepest part of my ass.

Time and again he would pull out and leave only the head of his cock in me. Each time his fingers would find my clit and stroke furiously and each time I would come for him. Over and over he reduced me to whimpers and moans and my body responded by banging itself furiously against him. Usually he fucks me, but last night we took turns fucking one another in the middle of making the sweetest love ever.

As his spent cock slipped from my body, I collapsed on our bed with my body covered in a fine sheen of sweat. Tears and sweat had caused my mascara to run and my lips were bruised from biting them in and effort to keep quiet. Every muscle in my body rebelled and celebrated simultaneously and my mind was lost somewhere in subspace.

With my almost bald head and my smeared make-up, I have never felt more beautiful. With his seed seeping from my well-used ass and my own juices running down my legs, I have never felt more alive. With his eyes metting mine and his arms holding me close, I have never felt more in love.

This morning it’s still there, that feeling…and it is so very beautiful.

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Well, I did it. Last night I went and had them buzz my head. I thought that I could just keep trying to cover the thinning and bald spots with my long hair, but waking up with it laying on my pillow decided for me. So I bought a couple cheap hats (to get me through until I can afford to buy some much nicer ones from here) and made my appointment. Lori is the only person I have found since being in Pittsburgh that did my hair the way I liked it. So, it was only natural that I went to her to cut it off.

I didn’t think I could do it. I knew I would be a wreck, but they told me I had enough to donate to Lock of Love and I was much more calm, much more accepting. What better way to get through your own issues than by helping a child who needs it?

Lori offered to let me make the first pass with the clippers, but I couldn’t do it. She offered it to The Knight who had tears in his eyes, but he couldn’t do it either. So I grabbed a Kleeenex and closed my eyes tight. It took longer than I thought it would, so I didn’t feel odd at first. Until she took the side off I don’t think it fully hit me.

I didn’t weep or whine overly much. The tears were quiet but they were obvious. Lori stopped for a moment and asked for a Kleenex of her own and I remember thinking how cool it is that a stranger is so soft hearted in a world that is so cold.

Seeing my Knight tear up more than once was so hard. It tore me apart but it made me feel so loved. His hand held mine and I knew that I would be ok. Hair or no hair, he loves me. Time and again he told me how beautiful I was, how strong and how brave.  And when the last bit had fallen, he told me that I looked good with almost no hair!

I couldn’t actually look in the mirror. I did a quick glance and started to cry, so I just looked away. It doesn’t matter how I look. All that matters is that I get through this. But I looked when I got home, but only one good long look. Now the mirrors have been turned to face away from me because if I thought I was ugly before, I’m hideous now.

The Knight held me close when we got home. He took me upstairs and closed the door. When his arms went around me I was shocked. When he pressed my hand to his erection I couldn’t help but stare at him in disbelief. But when he made love to me so tenderly, taking the time to run his hands over my head, I knew it would all be ok.

I don’t like not having long hair. I hate it. Yet I liked waking up this morning without hair all over our pillows and our bed. I like knowing that The Knights love can’t be more pure than it is right this second. I like knowing that if nothing else, seeing myself like this makes me want to fight this thing harder than ever before. No more hiding behind it or allowing it to define me and my femininity because now the hair be gone.

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I was sitting at my desk, enjoying the clean house and the sense of peace while catching up on the blogs in my sidebar. I ventured over to read a little more of Gray Lily when I stumbled upon this post.

As I read about her inner turmoil at asking for what she so deperately needed, I could actually *feel* what she was going through. So many times I’ve been where she was and so many times I’ve faltered. Time and again The Knight has told me that I *must* be honest and forthright, no matter what. What a slippery slope submission can be at times.

My only desire is to love and please my Sir. It fills me to overflowing to hear how pleased he is with the house or with something I’ve done for him. It gives me something to be proud of, a reason to hold my head high.

And when I ask for something, it feels like a huge weight has been placed upon my shoulders. It’s as if I have become a burden rather than his helpmeet. And when that happens, I withdraw and feel so horribly guilty.

Since I’ve been sick, it’s been worse. There are days when I need a little more rest. There are days when even the thought of cooking dinner sends me beyond the point of exhaustion. There are days when all I need is to be held and soothed, to relax and release a little stress. But I don’t ask. I try so hard to push it aside and just handle it on my own, because I don’t want to displease him. I don’t want to let him down- I am the submissive after all!

In those moments, he finds me and lifts me from my knees to stand before him. He kisses my forehead and asks what I need. If I hesitate he corrects me and asks again. And ever the indulgent man that he is, he suggests that we just order in or he recommends that we spend some time snuggling. He makes it ok to be a woman who has wants and needs.

As soon as I read her post, I got it. All the times he’s held me and reassured me. All the nights spent fighting to get me to see, they finally make sense. Sometimes all it takes is seeing it through someone elses eyes to see it through your own. And now, I finally get it!

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Some people just don’t get it. Some people think they have it all figured out, but they’re clueless. Some people live their whole lives unaware of who they are or the direction that they’re heading. Some people get left behind.

Some people think they’re better than everyone else. Some people think that they can do no wrong. Some people look down on everyone else and never see their own faults. Some people prefer it that way.

Some people spend their whole lives hiding behind their past. Some people never move on. Some people never get over it. Some people like to be the life of the pity party. Some people enjoy being stagnant.

I’m not one of those people. Even when it hurts to face reality. Even when it pains me to see my faults and face my shortcomings. Especially when I see where I’ve come from and I remember where I’ve been.

The Knight is making me write a list of all the things that are good about myself. It’s been two weeks and multiple time extensions with little on the list to show for them. He’s held my hand and insisted on some “gimme’s” but it isn’t easy and my luck is about to run out. I have until Friday to finish it and hand it in.

I’m afraid I don’t have anything else to list. I’m afraid I’m not as wonderful or as perfect as some people.

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I said to hell with it and decided to have the girls here. I needed to see them and be with them. My time with them is too precious, too valuable. In return, I am left to deal with the consequences.

My littlest girl has some sort of virus or something that comes with a nasty rash attached. I woke up this morning with the same exact rash in the places she touched me. Ha! It itches and I’m miserable, but I’m with The Girls. I’m with my babies and THAT is the only thing that matters to me.

The doctor called me this morning. It looks like I’ll be having more tests done. They worry that this has spread to the lymph nodes now. I don’t know exactly what that means, but I know it worries me. I’m trying really hard to not pull away and into myself, but it isn’t easy. My first instinct is to hold it in and protect those that I love, but as The Knight so blatantly explained to me this morning, it doesn’t work. I can’t be part of us if I’m always just me.

So I’m going to take my itchy self into the other room and I’m going to focus on my babies. I’m going to hold them and laugh with them and tell them that I love them. All the worry and wondering can wait for another day. Tomorrow I can think about the consequences and things unforseen.

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Sometimes I want to kick and scream. I want to rant and rave, maybe even break things. I want to shake my fist at the sky and lament the fact that this just isn’t fair. I know, I know…no one said life was fair. And usually, that’s just fine by me. Other times, like today…it sucks and I want to bitch about it.

What makes today different?

I’m sick. My white blood cell count is low anyway and now I have some sort of cold/upper respiratory infection. The Girls are supposed to be here for the weekend and the doctor is recommending that I not have them.

I’m torn between my absolute NEED to be with them, to hold them and laugh with them and the need to get better. I can’t continue on to Round 2 until my white blood cell count is higher and now I have this whole upper respiratory thing. See why I want to scream and complain about life not being fair? Sometimes it really isn’t. This is one of those times.

Days like today, I feel so small and so alone. I’m used to being with my family and friends, not being cooped up in the house. I’m used to bouncing back and not giving it a second thought. I’m not used to having to take it easy, not used to thinking of my health before anything else. Though I hear everyone when they tell me that though it hurts not to be with my babies right now, it would hurt more if I didn’t make it. They’re right. I know it and I believe it, so why am I so angry right now? Why am I so torn?

I guess I should have figured on it. The week has been so long and completely hellish, it figures that something else would happen. Instead of just a Plan B, I should start having Plan C and Plan D as well. It’s just really hard to plan for all the possible scenarios, all the what if’s. I’m only one person.

For a while now I’ve been wanting to invest in a good digital camera (like this one…my dream camera). Unfortunately, the extra expense just isn’t something I can justify right now. I wish I could. Then I could share pictures of things like my head- which will be hairless as of this weekend, if at all possible. Mostly I wish I had it to take pictures…of The Girls, The Guys, and my Knight…pictures of all of us together because we don’t have enough of those.

I’ll never tell anyone but secretly, I’m afraid of dying. I’m afraid that something won’t work or I’ll get an infection that I can’t fight and it will lead to my early demise. Maybe it’s not really death that I’m afraid of. Maybe it’s the thought of not being alive and with the people that I love that frightens me so much.

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As you can see, the design has changed. I have been wanting a change for a while now, but I was having a hard time finding something that I liked, something that suited me and my current state of mind. So when it came to my attention that something was wrong with my database, I figured I would do it all at one time. As luck would have it, I was clueless.

So the changes and the now smooth operation of comments and such is all owed to my lovely soul sister, Nina. Maybe I don’t say it enough, but she’s amazing…positively amazing. I’m not one to let many people in, especially when it’s something as personal as cancer, something that can strip people of their dignity in record time. The thing is, she has been so kind and so patient, always checking in by email and making sure I’m ok. Even when I go for days without writing or posting, there she is. So when I hit the brick wall on getting it all up and running, I decided to step out and ask her for her help. Wonderful woman that she is, she helped in a major way. Nina, my friend…you rock!!

The design isn’t all that’s changing…

It turns out that I was offered the position for the video game website that I had written about previously. I actually accepted the position and began training before my last visit with the oncologist. After the appointment I understood that even as wonderfully fun as games are and as easy as the position would have been, it would have been too much right now. So with my head hanging and my shoulders slumped, I explained the situation and thanked them kindly. As it turns out, they wished me well and told me to get back to them after I was finished with treatments because they would love to have me on board.

Lately things have been different with The Knight and I. So often there is a connection that is felt even when he is miles away. There is a sense of peace and acceptance that I really can’t put into words. I never realized how wonderful it is to be nurtured and cared for, even if it’s still hard to accept sometimes. We’ve spent so much time talking, really opening up to one another and it’s made me feel more secure than ever.

Even our sex life has improved. Maybe the quantity isn’t increased over all, but the quality has. Lately we’ve spent more time touching one another, exploring sensitive areas, and lingering longer. He has touched me more, in ways that I never imagined he would be willing to. My orgasms come from somewhere deep within, somewhere I never knew existed. Once I was worried, almost numb and not expecting anything to change and now I’m satisfied and feeling whole.

Changes can be hard to handle. We never know when they’re going to happen or what the outcome will be. Loving someone is a guarantee that more often than not you’ll have to take a leap of faith. I’m learning that it’s not as scary when you know that all you have to do is close your eyes and hold tight to the hands of the ones who love you.

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