A fellow blogger approached me with an offer to be part of something a little different. When I heard him out, I was thrilled, ecstatic that he thought of me. It’s a sex blog, with a twist. Think interactive erotica, then some.

Talk Dirty To Me

So what we’re looking for is plenty of participation and comments. Tell us what you think about the posts, what emotions and desires they stirred within you. Then, tell us where you’d like to see the story go. You shape the story via comments and emails. (If anyone is interested in being part of the team, just email me and we’ll make it so. I can think of dozens I would like to ask, but I don’t want to impose or make anyone feel obligated.)

In addition to written erotica, we’ll add some spoken erotica as well. Stories, quickies, maybe even just a line or two from a suggestive song to get the juices flowing. Inspiration and arousal can come from anywhere at any given time. The man next door, the woman behind you in the checkout line, or the newest member of your church group can all be the one to set off a chain reaction of thoughts and feelings that leads you to tell all.

So go ahead, Talk Dirty To Me.

Email this post

1. Keep my honesty in mind when I tell you there is no such thing as T(oo)M(uch)I(nformation).
2. I know in my heart that Sperm Donor is abusing my niece and nephew, but there’s nothing I can do about it.
3. In ninth grade I had a friend that was a lesbian. She was the first female that I wanted to be intimate with. Though the feeling was mutual, we were both too scared.
4. Someone found out what Sperm Donor did to me and in order to keep them from telling the school, I gave him a hand-job.
5. I’m scared of having the things that I so desperately want for fear of fucking it up.
6. There is a part of me that will always be the stereotypical Souther girl, right down to the accent.
7. I wish The Knight would help turn the D/s aspect of our relationship around, but I don’t know what else to say or do to communicate the need/desire to him.
8. My ex-husband actually has plenty of redeeming qualities; only now am I grown up enough to admit it.
9. Now that my daughter is a pre-teen I’m so sorry for the things I put my mother through when I was the same age.
10. I hate the way Jack Daniels smells and tastes.
11. I don’t like many wines.
12. The best trip of my life was my trip to California. I’ll never forget a single second of it.
13. In fifth grade my nickname was “Maxi Pad” because a girl in my class stole my purse and showed everyone the entire contents.
14. In sixth grade I wrote a love note to an eight grader who proceeded to correct every spelling error and hand it back. Now that I think about it, he was ugly anyway.
15. Before I met The Knight, I could totally understand Bridget Jones and everything she experienced in both movies.
16. I know it’s dumb, but I want the complete dvd collections for Ally McBeal, Friends, Beverly Hills 90210, and Melrose Place- those shows bring back awesome memories.
17. The first song a boy ever dedicated to me was Rod Stewart’s “Have I Told You Lately” and I hated the song with a passion but I never told him that.
18. I wish I could speak Spanish fluently.
19. In eighth grade there was a boy who liked me more than I liked him but I never told him. I just felt that I should be nice to him because he was a good person. We ended up being close friends, but not close enough for him to ever tell me that he was actually gay. It was only years later when I took care of his mother while she was in the hospital that she told me that he was gay and HIV positive, but that he never forgot me or the friendship we shared. It was one of the coolest things to know that I made a difference to someone.
20. I wish I would have done my homework while I was in school. I was intelligent and I could have been so much more if I hadn’t blown it off.
21. In sixth grade I broke my right wrist playing volleyball.
22. Blood doesn’t bother me at all, in the least.
23. I never felt bad about being a nurse. I loved it with all my heart. If I hadn’t gotten sick, I’d still be doing it.
24. I miss my family more than I will ever let on.
25. Somewhere in love I think I’ve lost part of myself and it scares me.
26. I hate small towns.
27. I like celebrity gossip, unless it’s about Paris Hilton or Nicole Richie.
28. Like book, music is an addiction.
29. I used to watch music videos constantly, but try to think of ways they could have made the video better.
30. Though I’ll never tell him, The Knight is right about my fear of having everything that I’ve ever wanted.
31. I was a border-line alcoholic about eight years ago.
32. I’m an insomniac, but only at night.
33. It’s been almost two months since I’ve cut myself but the scars are still visible.
34. Right now, I can’t keep my eyes open enough to finish.
35. The group in the video used to be my obsession…lunch box, t-shirts, tapes, videos, etc. (Jordan was my favorite- I even had the same Batman t-shirt he’s wearing in the video) Total obsession. How mortifying.

to be continued…

Email this post

One of the first things we learn as adults is that change is inevitable. The weather, the economy, and technology have a way of changing at the drop of a hat. Sometimes it’s easy, sometimes we struggle but eventually we begin to handle change in a more mature and more socially acceptable manner. It doesn’t mean change gets easier or has less of an impact, but we cope better as we experience it more. It’s the human way.

As adults the biggest changes we experience are within the confines of our relationships. When Nina wrote about it the other day (you can read it here), it really made me think. Even in the best relationships, changes take their toll. Major changes, even more so.

If you’ve read this blog for any length of time then you know that the relationship The Knight and I share has undergone more than its fair share of changes. From one major knock down drag out fight to another, and back again, the changes can’t be denied or ignored.

The Knight and I aren’t the same people we were two years ago. Part of it is the normal settling in that happens over time when you’re in a long term relationship. You stop worrying about things like whether or not your feet smell or whether or not he’ll think you’re weird because you insist on using a certain pot for pasta and you start relaxing. Maybe it even seems like you’re kind of taking one another for granted and all you do is trip over one another’s sensitivity and grumpiness. Part of it is also dealing with life’s curve balls. For us it’s been cancer, former spouses, and lots of little things in between. There’s no way in the world to be prepared for every little bump, hiccup, or hurdle. You can only hope to take the changes in stride and end up better for it on the other side.

But we love one another. I mean, we genuinely love and care for each other in a way that can’t even be described. That alone puts us way ahead of most couples. When he’s off, I’m off and vice versa. When I’m said, he makes me smile. When he’s running on empty, I recharge his batteries (his words, not mine). And when I think that we can’t handle even one more thing, we do. Together. That speaks volumes about not only our individual selves, but about us as a couple, as partners.

We received word that his divorce will be final soon. Like, in the next two weeks kind of soon. He’s ecstatic and very relieved. I could tell when we talked about it that it really was weighing heavily on his mind. Almost instantly I felt bad for ever thinking that he didn’t want it to be final, over and done with. Then I wondered what led me to this point.

With everything that has happened in the last two years, my faith has been shaken. Yes, I know he loves me but I’m human and I wonder if it’s the kind of love that forever is made of. With all the things we’ve been through in two years and for no better than we’ve handled it, I can’t help but wonder if we’re going to be alright. So, after mulling it over in my head and tossing it around in my heart, I asked him what he thought.

He said that even after everything we’ve been through, we’re both still here. He said that says a lot. Then he told me that even when we’ve bickered lately it’s not been about fear or frustration, but about working things out, communicating and it’s a good thing. Then he told me that he’d rather fight with me than be anywhere else.

Of course, he had many valid points. Things that I know in my heart to be true are the very things he said. I also know that it’s in our imperfections that we find our best friends and our greatest loves. The Knight and I are not without love, and we most certainly are not without our imperfections.

In love, as in life, change is constant. I love, as in life, it’s how you handle those changes that decides your relationship fate. Though it’s not easy and I know the hardest days are probably yet to come, I think I ought to decide what to do, how to handle it, before it’s too late.

P.S.
I didn’t touch on the D/s aspect of our relationship and how that’s changed, because it deserves its own space. I’ll get to it soon.

(If The Knights words were put to music, these are the lyrics the world would hear)

Email this post

I’m drained. Whatever cold the kids passed around to The Knight and I, it’s kicking my butt. After a terrifying spike in my temp last night and this morning, I figured I needed to bite the bullet and call my doctor. But I didn’t want to.

All I wanted this morning was to beg The Knight to stay home and be with me. I just wanted him to be here so I could sleep. That’s all I want to do- sleep and shower, but even the shower is negotiable. Showers leave me weak and more exhausted but they also ease the pain a little. All I wanted was for him to stay home with me today but that didn’t happen.

So, I called my doctor and (surprise,surprise) he wants me to come in. For more labs. The kicker? I was supposed to skip my meds this week because my cell counts were low. Ha! No wonder I couldn’t fight off a simple cold.

Sometimes I feel like The Knight doesn’t realize how serious this is. It’s almost as if he won’t realize how grave the situation is until it’s too late. When I ask him, he tells me that I’m handling it wonderfully. Still, I wonder if trying to be strong and brave is keeping me from getting the care that the diagnosis warrants? Maybe I should stop locking the door when I throw up. Maybe I should let the blood run down my thighs without worrying about cleaning it up. Maybe I should cry when it hurts instead of holding it all inside.

It’s definitely one of those days. Definitely. One of those days.

And I need to feel, real love
And a life ever after.
I cannot get enough.

I just wanna feel real love,
Feel the home that I live in,
I got too much love,
Running through my veins, going to waste.

I just wanna feel real love,
In a life ever after
There’s a hole in my soul,
You can see it in my face, it’s a real big place.

Robbie Williams-Feel

Email this post

My libido has been a little testy lately. So much so that I haven’t even been flirting or hinting at anything sexual with The Knight. I guess cancer and chemo will do that to you, but I don’t like it. Still, it’s more than just the whole being sick thing. It’s the submission thing. If I step back and let it go, he steps up and takes it. I like that- a lot. Even with all that there are days that being held is fine by me, until he touches my skin or looks at me with pure lust in his eyes.

Sunday night wasn’t one of those nights. It was a cuddle and talk kind of night. It was a feel so very close and be loved kind of night and I was just fine with that. Being held is wonderful and even more so when it involves skin on skin with plenty of kissing and conversation. With all of that, his cock was still hard. I edged closer to him and when my body came into contact with his, all I wanted was to pleasure him.

Instead, I asked him to stroke his cock for me. Watching him masturbate just does it for me. Suddenly there is an urge where there was none before and he knows it. Without hesitation he began to tug and pull at his swollen cock. I watched in fascination until he instructed me to touch myself.

I freed my breasts from my bra and slid my left hand into my pants. Of course I was wet and my lack of panties only helped keep me in the perpetually slippery state that he loves best. My right hand tweaked and pinched my erect nipples while my lover continued to sigh and pull on himself.

“Put your mouth on me while you touch yourself,” he commanded gently.

So I did. With the fingers of my left hand on my clit and the fingers of my right quite busy with my nipples, I slid my mouth over his hard cock. I’d like to say that it took a while, but it didn’t. I felt his cock begin to spasm and I willingly swallowed every last drop of his sticky sweetness.

And in return?

He laid beside me and took over stimulating my breasts. Alternately sucking first the right nipple then the left, he had me on the edge in no time. Though I don’t know why I do it, I asked him if I could come and when he gave permission, that was that. I came not once, not twice, but THREE times with his mouth on my nipples and my fingers on my clit.

Hands down it was the best non-sex we’ve ever had. Stay tuned later for all the details of what is now known as the Crisco Incident.

Email this post

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you’d be around
Uh huh
That’s right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That’s right

If someone said three years from now
You’d be long gone
I’d stand up and punch them up
Cause they’re all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I’d give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
For they’re long gone
I guess I just didn’t know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Yeah yeah
I’ll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won’t forget you my friend
What happened

If someone said three years from now
You’d be long gone
I’d stand up and punch them out
Cause they’re all wrong and
That last kiss
I’ll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew

Who Knew by Pink
(This cd is my next must have…when it’s affordable, of course.)

Email this post

When The Knight and I met we really didn’t have anything that we considered to be a deal breaker, except for the children. We agreed that if our children hated either one of us that we would walk away. If either of us simply couldn’t stand the others children, then the same thing would happen. If anyone felt that the other person was interfering with the others relationship with their children, that too was a deal breaker.

As our relationship progressed the differences in our children became glaringly obvious. His children had been his life and my children had been mine. Everything we had said or done, or not done, had been for the good of our children. I never thought I wanted to be a mother, but once I had my girls, I knew I was wrong. I knew it was the child abuse talking, not my heart and soul.

After careful consideration I allowed my girls to live with their father. I didn’t want to drag them into a relationship that might not work out or pull them away from the only life they had known. It was important to me that the whole transition was as easy on them as possible, and that no matter what happened they maintained a close relationship with their father. I lost sleep and cried because the last thing I wanted was to be away from them. Then my mother stepped in and convinced me that it was for the best to have them with my ex. So, that’s what I did.

Then the moment came where The Knight and I fought. Out of his mouth came things like “they’re not my children, I’ll never lay down my life for them…” or the ever remembered “I don’t like them and I never will. I don’t care if they’re here or not…” The very thing he accused them of being (spoiled brats) were the very things I thought his children were. I was devastated and convinced that nothing would ever change his mind, least of all anything I said or did.

Over time we’ve both changed our opinions. He’s apologized profusely time and again for the things he said so long ago. I’ve realized that our collective children have their strengths and their weaknesses, their little imperfections and our issues. Yet, somewhere along the way we’ve managed to help them to have a little less baggage.

Not a second has gone by that I don’t regret my decision. I don’t regret it because he (my ex) is a bad person. Our parenting styles are different, sure, but he loves them. It will never be the way I love them. It’s not possible. I’m their mother, the woman who held them and worried over their development, the one who gave birth, cried and delighted in ways that only a mother can understand. I regret not having them with me because they need me and I need them, and to have ever believed anything different was insane.

The Knight and I aren’t the same people we were two years ago. As we’ve matured, so have our children. Even as our relationship dangles by a thread, we know that the other one loves our children. Still, it’s not easy.

Today as my babies left to go back to my ex, it occurred to me that the day may come when a kiss good-bye is really a kiss good-bye. I may never see them in love, or in a cap and gown. I may never help them shop for prom dresses or baby furniture. I may never again get the chance to tell them how important they are to me. The thought brought me to my knees in a way that words can’t even describe.

My only hope is that my ex never lets them forget that even though motherhood didn’t come easy to me, that I loved them more than life itself. Even if I didn’t know how to show it or do it the right way, that the love and the good intentions were there. And I hope that his wife-to-be remembers the movie Stepmom and realizes that it’s not easy for me to let go and accept that even though I gave them life and shaped their yesterdays that it may be her that sees and shapes their tomorrows.

Two songs that I’ve let them listen to; two songs that I hope they’ll always hear and think of me.

Email this post

Yesterday there was a spark of inspiration, a moment that I sat down and wrote almost an entire story. It was hot, it was sexy, and it was everything I’m not; everything I could never be. Yet the main character was me, with spirit and moxie, with everything a woman needs to make good for herself.

And then it was gone. Forever. A story that would have amounted to three printed pages and a signal to the world that I may have something left after all. Then it was no more. Gone with it were the spark of inspiration and the belief that I could once again be a woman with spirit and moxie, his firebrand.

The story is in my head but no longer in my heart or waiting to pour from my fingertips. Hell, today I can barely see to type at all, much less type pages upon pages. (So if I miss typos, forgive me, please.)

I don’t know where I’m going or how I’m going to get there. I’ve had my babies with me this week and it’s been wonderful. I can’t even begin to tell you of the healing power their presence holds for me. Their hugs and kisses, their laughter, and seeing the ways they process things, it warms me and lifts me. It gives me the strength to fight a little longer and a little harder.

The Knight is who he is. As we fell asleep last night he whispered the sweetest things and they chased away the nightmares. I know he loves me, even if he doesn’t always show it. I know that he likes having me in his life, or so he says. I always think of how good we are together, but if there’s an argument or disagreement I’m told how miserable I make him, or how I make him feel like he has to choose between me or his children. So I ask him why we’re still here if he’s so miserable and his response? He’s happy except when I’m stressed, then it’s intolerable- I’m intolerable.

So, here I am. I’m trying to follow the doctors orders and get plenty of rest, but that’s not happening. I’m trying to cut down on the amount of stress in my life, but that’s not happening either. Instead, I’m always second guessing my every move. Or doing laundry. Or playing ref for the kids. Or trying to change who I am into someone he’ll actually want to finalize his divorce for so he can make good on his promise to marry me.

I don’t think it will ever happen. Oh, eventually his divorce will be final, I know. I just don’t think it will be while I’m around, either in this house or on this planet. And even if that’s not the case, I don’t think he’ll marry me and I think I should have listened to him all those times when he told me he didn’t want it and that it would never happen. I just wish he’d say it again, but he just keeps me hanging on.

P.S. This post was not password protected because I don’t have to worry about The Knight ever coming here. Oh, and I don’t know that I can afford the cost of hosting when it’s due next week, so I may no longer have this site. Just letting everyone know.

Email this post

I think I read about her on a news site, I’m not sure. It doesn’t matter, really. This little girl has the voice of an angel. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Email this post

I don’t have the answers. I don’t have it in me to give up, but at the same time, I don’t have it in me to be the only one who’s willing to try. More than anything I wish I could talk to him. I wish that I could somehow let it spill from my lips and have it be caught in his heart. For the life of me, I don’t know how to believe that it’s gone, that it’s empty.

Maybe it’s been a little to long
Holding it in, trying to be strong
Funny the things we bottle up
Come streaming out when you feel enough
There is a trust the cautious will lack
Now that we’ve touched there’s no holding back
I want to call out for love ’til I can’t breath
I want to stare at the truth ’til I can’t see
I want to pour out my soul ’til I’m empty
Empty
When only flesh and bone remain
I’ll hold you close, then start again
Feeling nothing but a sweet release
When the ghosts are gone from inside of me
I’ve tried to fight it but what can I do
There’s something deeper that surrenders to you
I want to call out for love ’til I can’t breath
I want to stare at the truth ’til I can’t see
I want to pour out my soul ’till I’m empty
Empty
When I touch you, when I hear you
How can I doubt when everytime I’m near you
I want to call out for love ’til I can’t breath
I want to stare at the truth ’til I can’t see
I want to pour out my soul ’til i’m empty
Empty
{If the video doesn’t appear, you can find it here}

Email this post