I haven’t made a habit of adding too many cancer blogs to my sidebar. I guess it’s pretty dumb when you stop to think about it, because this blog isn’t so much a sex blog anymore- at least not in the way that it once was. Funny, but cancer has that effect on people, I suppose. Why shouldn’t I add cancer blogs to my sidebar? This is my home after all. The place I come to when there is nowhere else, the one area that is mine to do with as I damn well please and if that includes playing Queen of Denial, so be it.

Tonight though I have realized the real reason that I don’t add most of the cancer blogs to my sidebar is that they terrify me. Each day I read and follow links to other blogs of people who haven’t beaten the odds. I read last entries of people on their last days alive or entries made by their spouses or families once they have passed and it makes me realize that the reality is what it is.

While there isn’t a doctor alive who can give any of us an exact time of death, we all die sometime. If you have cancer it will probably be sooner rather than later, but no guarantees there either. For almost two years now I’ve fought until I feel as if I have absolutely nothing left to fight with. So why am I still here? Why am I the one who gets to sit here and write yet one more blog post? There are so many others who aren’t- others who have fought harder with a better attitude for a longer amount of time, so why me?

*shrug*

I don’t have the answer. I don’t have any answers. All I have is some minuscule amount of hope left to get me through. I have family and friends that pray for me and love me when I don’t have it in me to love or pray for myself. If that’s you, thank you.

{Side note: I don’t know if I’m better or worse, but I’ll be going back to the doctor. I am still having trouble breathing and tomorrow is my last day of antibiotics. Being sick is a bitch but then again, so am I.}

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While I’m not comfortable sharing the vows that The Knight wrote for me without his permission, I couldn’t help but share them here. If I’d had the wedding I’d hoped for there would have been so many of you present anyway, so here are the (somewhat long) words I spoke on the single best day of my life.

In the time that I have known you I laugh more and I smile more freely. Because of you I dare to dream. I love you for putting your hands into my battered heart and passing over all the foolish, frivolous, and weak things which you couldn’t help seeing there and for drawing into the light all the beautiful radiant things that no one else had looked quite deep enough to find. With tender and sincere words and selfless gestures you have helped to heal my soul. No longer am I alone.

I love you not only for what you are but for who I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself but for what you are making of me. And I love you for the parts of me that I never knew existed until our souls intertwined.

The events that have led us here today haven’t been easy. At times we have struggled and questioned not only one another but the direction of our relationship and the validity of all we hold dear. Despite all that life has thrown at us, here we are.

Today, my Knight*, as I give myself to you, my resolve is strong, and I stand before you free of reservation. The decision to share the rest of my life by your side is one that I make happily and with full confidence in our love. I am secure in the knowledge that you will be my constant friend, my faithful partner, and my one true love.

These are the promises I make to you…

I promise to love your children and to be the best parental figure I can be, remembering always that they are a part of you and as such, precious to me. I promise to give you the best of myself and ask of you no more than I myself can give. I promise to accept you just as you are, your weaknesses as well as your strengths. I promise to respect you as a person with your own desires and needs and to realize that they may be different at times, but no less important than my own. I promise to keep myself open to you, to let you see through the window of my personal world into my innermost fears and feelings, as well as my secrets and dreams. I promise to grow along with you, to willingly face changes as we endeavor together to keep our relationship alive, exciting, and going strong. Finally, I promise to love, honor, and obey you with all that I have to give, with all that I am, until my time on earth is through.

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I don’t know how it happens but it does and I love it. Once again Jefferson has taken a peek at my little corner of the blogging world and decided to Fleshbot me for Making Up. Yay! So, if you’re here from that link, welcome and I hope you’ll come on in and make yourself at home.

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We’d fought all day. Actually, we’d fought all night and into the early hours of the morning before we finally collapsed from sheer exhaustion. He stayed on his side and I stayed on mine, careful not to move or touch, barely sleeping. When we got up, it was more of the same. The day seemed to drag on forever and all I wanted was for the fighting to be over. Soon enough it was, but that’s not the point of this post. Too many times too many people post about the fights and not enough about the good stuff.

He pulled me close and I pressed my lips to his. Knowing we were both beat I wasn’t going to even bother trying to seduce him. Just a kiss good night. Then I saw him naked beneath comforter with his cock hard and I had to at least try.

I moved my mouth lower and captured his cock, sucking it deeply down my throat. He sighed and moaned, gently lifting his hips to thrust deeper into my mouth. I was hot, wet, and more than ready for my husband to make love to me. Then I heard his voice whispering quiet words of encouragement mingled with one of our hottest fantasies of late.

My hand caressed him as I moved to kiss his mouth once more. His tongue traced my ear and his breath made me shiver as he continued to talk about her, the one I long to touch once more. His hands grabbed my ass briefly before I slipped away once more to lavish praise on his engorged prick.

Before I knew it I was on all fours with him inside of me. He felt amazing and though we’ve been making love regularly, it felt like I’d not had him in ages. As he filled me with his cock, sliding in and out in a slow and steady rhythm I knew what I wanted but I was afraid to ask. Almost as if he were reading my mind he pulled out and asked if he could fuck my tight asshole. I nodded and he prompted me to get the lubricant, but I couldn’t be bothered. I wanted him right then and there without delay.

“Just get your cock nice and wet by being in my pussy then slip into my ass, please. I need you too bad to wait.”

And that is just what he did. It was slippery perfection as his throbbing dick stretched my ass and I knew the first orgasm was mere seconds away. Seconds later through a Percocet and lust filled haze I climaxed as he whispered his pleasure and grabbed onto my wide hips.

“Will you fuck me like this if she ever comes to visit? Will you put me on my back and fuck my ass while I lick her delicious pussy? That’s what I want. To feel you both at once, to experience something hot with the people I love and desire the most…”

Climax number two rocked through me and I felt him fight the urge to come as he told me emphatically that he would love to see us together like that. Time and again I came, milking him with an urgency that neither of us has known in such a long time.

I felt his fingers dig into my flesh, kneading and flexing. I squeezed and released the muscles of my ass to milk him properly, discontent to wait for him to come in his own time. Once more I came hard and finally coaxed the come from his delicious organ.

Fighting leaves an awful taste in my mouth, but there is certainly something to be said about the sweetness of coming together and making up.

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His hand in mine as we lay side by side on the bed watching a movie.

His arms around me in the wee hours of the morning when I can’t sleep or when I have a bad dream.

His breath against my skin.

Reaching for one another as the lights go out, our bodies joining without so much as a word.

The sound of his footsteps echoing as he rushes to help his klutz of a wife up off the floor.

Forgetting why it was that you wrote erotica in the first place, because the reality is so much better than the fantasy.

Midnight runs to a restaurant in the pouring rain just because he likes making midnight memories with his wife.

Tears in his eyes when he is overcome with emotion.

An apology whispered and silently accepted with a kiss and a sigh.

A justice of the peace in the park on a September day.

A ring and a promise.

Faith.

Trust.

And for us, now more than ever…

Love is hope, even in the face of insurmountable odds.

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