Falling love is easy but staying in love is hard. Marrying someone is easy, staying married to them is almost impossible. Even more so when life continuously beats you down without even so much as one second of time between punches to catch your breath. Throw stepchildren, former spouses, and in-laws into the mix and even God would reach his breaking point.

Still, here we are. Teetering, balancing precariously on the edge. Once more. Always once more.

I don’t want an out. He doesn’t want an out. Yet we both run around the circle, trying to put out flames with only kerosene at our disposal. We’re one anothers peace and eachothers insanity all in one.

Still, here we are. Holding, clining. Teetering. Clutching. Going one more round in what has become (literally) the fight for our life. Just like Johnny and June.

Email this post

I awoke this morning to find this beautiful song in my Inbox with anote reminding me that I am loved. I’m blessed to have amazing friends, friends that I probably don’t deserve because I can’t be a friend in return. I hope I’m forgiven.

Though The Knight says he doesn’t believe, I do. I know that his presence in my life is a gift from God and I am so unbelievably in awe of this love that we share. He’s not perfect, but he’s perfect for me.

Email this post

I have been thinking a lot lately about letting go. I’ve been so tired and so unbelievably beyond words exhausted. Day after day I try to hold on and I try to fight but somewhere I am falling, failing, to get better. I’ve been thinking about letting go.

Then he holds me. Or I see my youngest baby smile. Then I wake up to his breath against my skin and his voice in my ear. Or my oldest laughs and throws her arms around me. In those moments I can’t give up. I have to fight until the bitter end.

I’ve been thinking about letting go. Giving up and giving in.

Then I see the people I love the most in the world counting on me. That’s when I know that I have to fight. For my life, for their happiness, for all time…and for our forever love.

Email this post

I guess there’s not a lot to say. Summer is here, so I am spending time with my babies and loving being close to them. I’m hating the inability to do the things with them that I used to do, the seizures and the limitations, but having them here makes life a million times better.

For those who thought he was absolutely amazing, brilliantly funny and wise beyond his years, rest in peace George Carlin.

Thank you for your love and friendship. Thanks for the reminders to keep taking it slow, one sweet day at a time.

P.S.
We’re hanging in there. God knows it’s so very hard, but maybe we’re more tough than I gave us credit for. Most days the love and tenderness win over the thunder and lightning, so I think perhaps that’s the way it’s supposed to be. As for sex…wouldn’t you like to know. Soon, one day, I’ll dish. When it’s quiet, if you stick around, I’ll spill my guts the way I used to.

Email this post

I’m still here. Still breathing and fighting. I wish I had Ted Kennedys physicians and his money but I don’t. So, we do what we have to do and put one foot in front of the other.

Sorry I haven’t updated. I don’t always have the energy to sit and write. Sometimes I play a game with The Knight and some friends we’ve made through our guild but other than that, mostly I sleep- a lot.

I have letters and cards that have been sitting on my desk for months. One day I will mail them. Maybe even before the next increase in postage. If I don’t, know that I love you regardless of whether I write or not. I’m just awful at being a friend.

That’s all for today. Hope you all are well.

Email this post