I’m not ready to talk about it yet. So I’m not going to. Instead, I’m going to be like the ostrich and bury my head in the polluted emotional sand and stay there as long as my breath will allow. I know it isn’t healthy and I know it isn’t right, but for now, it’s what I want.

I’m only here to share with you a dream. A dream I had while not asleep but not awake, a dream that came to me in a still place of jumbled thoughts and major confusion as clear as clear can be.

I was perched on the edge of something amazing. The suns rays covered me and danced on the water in the distance and I knew that I was seeing something miraculous. I raised my arms high above my head and ignored the curious stares of brightly colored flamingos. I raised my arms higher than I ever remember raising them before.

The wind began to blow in the gentle way that late summer winds tend to do and with it all the memories of my youth had gone from my memory. I couldn’t remember a time or a place, a person or their face. The only thing I knew was the moment with all its oddities and inexplicable things. The wind picked up and for a moment I thought I had finally lost my balance.

I closed my eyes and felt myself begin to fall. The moisture from the air kissed by naked skin and I knew I was falling in slow motion, but I welcomed the exhilaration of the experience. I opened my eyes and saw before me all the things I never understood before.

My body hit the mattress as I hit the ground and I didn’t know where I was. I couldn’t tell my husband the day or the date but I knew he loved me. I knew that I was safe. All I could do was smile and tell him that I’d had a dream.

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Back from the chemo and appointment with the oncologist. I know I should say something, anything, but I can’t. Right now I just need a moment.

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By now you know about the NYC SexBloggers 2009 Calendar either from their own site or from the post here on mine. You’ve seen the gorgeous individuals on their blogs, read about their experiences, and maybe even lusted a little for some of them. If you haven’t, I really don’t know what you’re waiting for.

In an all out effort to support Audacia Ray’s Sex Work Awareness Project not only have they put together a calendar, now they’ve added a raffle. The prize is a museum quality gifted Lochai print that has been signed by Lochai himself. (If you don’t know the work, please do yourself a favor and visit his site.)

Curves by Lochai

All you have to do to enter is visit their site then buy a day on their calendar. Use the day to promote your own blog. Maybe buy a week if you’re in a sex-related business and you want to promote your website. Say hello, say goodbye, or say all there is to say by purchasing a day and submitting a loved ones name. The choice is yours.

So go visit. Buy a day or two. Buy one for your Dominant, your Domme, or your submissive. Buy one for yourself. Hurry because days are going quickly and you only have until October 1st.

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I close my eyes and I’m there. Floating in the clouds, with sunshine on my bare skin. Your lips meet mine and our tongues mingle, lingering for a moment. You enter me slowly, gently.

At once I am whole. I am flying, soaring on angels wings. A gasp, a whimper, a barely audible sigh.

A flash of lightning. The world around me fades to black. You leave my body, slip from my grasp.

Midnight blue embrace. Freefalling to the ground below. Ashes to ashes and dust to dust. A big love, a small lust, a final little death.

Time comes to an end. Now I know the answer. Eternal attraction, forever desire. I will love you beyond the point of dying, beyond my last breath.

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If you have spent any time at all in the sexiest part of the blogosphere, then you know all about the NYC sex blogs. You know about their fabulous ability to turn a phrase and turn even more heads. So a calendar makes absolutely perfect sense! (Though I really didn’t need one more reason to want to live in NYC, I now have it anyway.)

Oh…you didn’t know? Then check this out!

Since the proceeds will benefit Audacia Ray’s Sex Work Awareness Project, it’s not only a great addition to your everyday life, it’s also a chance to help out a very worth while cause. (You all know how strongly I feel about supporting those who need it!) For the low cost of $30 you get burlesque photos of NYCs sexiest bloggers and a personalized day to promote your own blog or leave a message for someone who perhaps makes your heart race.

Speaking of racing hearts…check out their individual blogs below.

Audacia Ray

Desiree

Diva

Elizabeth Wood

Jamye Waxman

Lux Alptraum

Mariella

Rachel Kramer Bussel

Riese

Sinclair Sexsmith

Tess Danesi

Twanna A Hines

Now, I’m going to go order mine. Hurry up! Get yours before it’s too late, because you only have until October 1st.

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It’s no secret that I’m a fat chick. I’ve been fat all of my adult life and it doesn’t look like that will change anytime soon. Until cancer, I was a healthy fat chick who baffled doctors with her incredibly healthy heart and amazing labs. Fat doesn’t always mean unhealthy or ugly or cursed with low self-esteem. I know all too well how it feels to be fat in a less than accepting society.

People have told me that they like the way I write. They like my attitude, my honesty, but they just can’t support someone who is fat. It goes against all their beliefs. When I read those emails, I was more than a little hurt. I let it go because I know I’m not for everyone. Some people like me, some people hate me. So be it. Still, it stings.

My friend Scarlet Lotus Sexgeek featured Project LifeSize on her blog and now I’m sharing it on mine. Because the message is awesome. Because the world has enough hate.

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It’s three in the morning and I am sicker than a dog. Pain from cancer is hard enough but add to it the painful headaches that are vomit induced and you have absolute hell. Want to make it worse?

Orgasms relieve the tension and alleviate the pain. It’s been proven and it’s recommended. With The Knight, in the evenings before bed, my toys have been getting a workout. I mean, major workouts with fabulous results for me and for my husband. Tonight, my favorite toy DIED.

So what’s a girl to do? Well, I tried this one but I forgot that it no longer worked because the wire shorted out. Then I tried this one because I wasn’t sure.

As my luck would have it, none of them did the trick. Not even the Nea worked tonight and Heaven knows I tried. What the hell is wrong with me??

Wait. Don’t answer that.

I just need to improve my toy collection. I’m not in need of something to fill me because The Knight has that covered. However, something with a little punch to it might be nice. Maybe The Hitachi or maybe even this one.

For now, I’m going to try to get some sleep. Maybe tomorrow I’ll have some luck. Or some sex. Or both.

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I sit here and the thoughts are raging inside my head. My heart is twisted, turned inside out, and I wish more than anything that I could get them out. I wish that I could find a small piece of sunshine, a sliver of hope. I look for it everywhere, I search for it high and low, without success.

Mama says that I need to remember to pray, so I have been. My knees are sore for spiritual reasons these days, not sexual ones. My lips move but no sound comes. My body shakes and shivers, betrays me time and time again but still here I am. Seizures suck.

I want to say that I have found my fighting spirit. I want to tell my husband that I won’t give up, that the lack of energy isn’t as bad as it used to be, but I don’t want to lie. I want to tell my mother that I’m fine but it isn’t true.

Tomorrow is more chemo. They can’t tell me if the memory loss is because of the chemo or the cancer spreading, but it’s terrifying. Hours upon hours of time are just missing for me…vanished into thin air. I don’t remember, so it’s as if they were never there. When The Knight tells me what happened, it’s so humiliating. I know it’s not unusual but I never thought I would feel so insane.

Other than that, I don’t know what to say. Last night I was thinking about writing about awesomely hot sex in our kitchen, but this morning, the idea was gone. If I hadn’t read a note to myself I never would have known. So fucking hot, wouldn’t you agree?

There you have it. Why it is that I really don’t know what to say. (I do appreciate that you read this whining post as far as you did…really, it’s nice to know someone is out there.)

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If you’ve been reading here for any length time, then you already know about my cancer diagnosis. While this is viewed as a sex blog my the majority, lately it’s been more of a life blog. Cancer shifted the focus a bit from hot sex to the relationship that my husband and I share with one another and with the oncologists. Cancer will do that. Shift the focus from the things we’d rather be doing to things that the diagnosis determine to be more important.

The thing is, sometimes people don’t have all the resources they need. They don’t have the support system in place. Or, their friends and family decide that they just can’t be around someone who is sick.

They don’t have to go it alone any longer…we don’t have to go it alone. Allow me to introduce you to MyHopeSpace.

MyHopeSpace was started by a husband and wife whose lives have been touched by cancer. Like so many others they realized that there wasn’t a place that existed for patients and other people to come together to stand against cancer. So they created one, using their own time and resources.

I encourage you to visit the site. If you know someone who has been diagnosed with cancer, if you care for someone who has cancer, or if you find that you really just want to be part of someones support system, visit the site. Join. Create a profile. Find the way to give and receive hope.

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This sex toy review is brought to you courtesy of Edenfantasys where you will find all the high quality sex toys your naughty little heart desires.

Courtesy of Edenfantasys.com

When I first heard about Lelo and their line of incredibly feminine, high quality sex toys, I was so excited. Though they had plenty to offer, only the Nea really seemed to call to me. So, naturally I couldn’t resist the offer to review it.

The package arrived in a plain box, which was nice. Discreet is a good thing where I live, not only in our neighborhood, but in a house full of children with prying eyes. Just one more reason to love Edenfantasys!

The Nea itself arrived in a beautiful package. A black box with a shiny finish only cemented my belief that these people knew what they were doing. Inside the glossy black box was a matte finish box, not unlike one that watches come in. Very classy and very easy to open, which is hard to come by in this age of plastic that requires scissors and the strength of Hercules to open.

When I lifted the top off the box, I was shocked. The Nea was so small! Now, I’m a big girl with lots of curves, so I was a little skeptical. I usually prefer toys with some substance, some oomph.

I plugged it into the charger and spent a few minutes stroking it lovingly. The glossy black color with the pretty pink flowers was absolutely divine. The LED buttons were ingenius and well placed. I pressed them just to see if it was really as quiet as they had claimed and it most certainly was!

We were finally ready to try it, but as luck would have it, not in the traditional way. Instead, I used it on my husbands testicles and I stimulated him orally. Imagine my surprise when he climaxed immediately! He said the vibration was not too powerful, not too annoying, but was the perfect balance for his sensitive man parts. (It’s good to know what our partners think of our toys!)

I tried it myself with my husbands assistance and it was nice. I say nice, because it was just enough. Not enough to send me over the top to an intense climax in record time, but enough to stimulate my clitoris and feel really good.

In all fairness, if you prefer intense clitoral stimulation, this is probably not the toy for you. If you do however, like pretty toys with overtly feminine design and the convenience of a recharger, with just enough vibration to get you ready, this is a toy for you.

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