I sit here and the thoughts are raging inside my head. My heart is twisted, turned inside out, and I wish more than anything that I could get them out. I wish that I could find a small piece of sunshine, a sliver of hope. I look for it everywhere, I search for it high and low, without success.

Mama says that I need to remember to pray, so I have been. My knees are sore for spiritual reasons these days, not sexual ones. My lips move but no sound comes. My body shakes and shivers, betrays me time and time again but still here I am. Seizures suck.

I want to say that I have found my fighting spirit. I want to tell my husband that I won’t give up, that the lack of energy isn’t as bad as it used to be, but I don’t want to lie. I want to tell my mother that I’m fine but it isn’t true.

Tomorrow is more chemo. They can’t tell me if the memory loss is because of the chemo or the cancer spreading, but it’s terrifying. Hours upon hours of time are just missing for me…vanished into thin air. I don’t remember, so it’s as if they were never there. When The Knight tells me what happened, it’s so humiliating. I know it’s not unusual but I never thought I would feel so insane.

Other than that, I don’t know what to say. Last night I was thinking about writing about awesomely hot sex in our kitchen, but this morning, the idea was gone. If I hadn’t read a note to myself I never would have known. So fucking hot, wouldn’t you agree?

There you have it. Why it is that I really don’t know what to say. (I do appreciate that you read this whining post as far as you did…really, it’s nice to know someone is out there.)