I suppose I have been lazy enough this week, so I’ll take the time to do a post and let you know how things have been going. If there are lots of typos and errors with my grammar, just blame the meds and don’t give me too much of a hard time, please.

Monday was the first day of the second phase of the clinical trial. I didn’t expect it to go smoothly because nothing ever does, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it might be. This time around they won’t be giving me anti-seizure medication. It’s part of their control plan and they want to be sure that the chemo is actually doing the trick. If you ever want to feel like a guinea pig, take part in a clinical trial. At the end of the day you will know your place in the world, I promise!

So Monday they gave me two bags of intravenous chemo. It was to be my loading dose of meds but I will also go back in six weeks for two more bags. In the interim I am on three other chemo drugs by mouth. I take one drug for one week then two others for six more weeks. I have a schedule set up on my Nintendo DS to keep me on track, because there is no way that I would be able to keep it all straight on my own simply because my brain isn;t what it used to be.

The oncologist is the same bitch that I had before that insisted on treating me differently because I was (as she put it) “so grotesquely overweight.” I filed a complaint and she was brought in front of the hospital board and fined for her behavior. Needless to say, she is not happy with me and she let me know it. I have lost eleven pounds since my last appointment and her response to it was (and I quote) “Given how overweight you are, eleven pounds is really nothing but I will make a note of it on your chart.” So, I filed yet another complaint. I *know* that I’m fat. The whole world knows that I’m fat. If she has an issue with it, then she needs to deal with it and *not* hold it against me while I am participating in the trial. It’s unprofessional behavior, period.

Since it is a controlled clinical trial they do not give any other meds to patients outside of the ones that they have already requested/disclosed. So it is up to each patient to discuss pain medication and anti-nausea meds with their primary care physician. Since I am not covered for anything cancer related under our insurance I had to see someone other than my primarcy care physician who only covers insurance related things. It was an all day trip by car to see my old primary care physician but in the end it was worth it. He gladly did an exam, looked at the information in my records, then sent me on my way with pain *and* nausea relief. Yay for my doctor!!!

{Let me take a minute to tell you how awesome Mama has been. She did all the driving on Tuesday so that The Knight could work. She helped me fill out the papers I needed to fill out and made sure I was okay during the car ride. She took the day off to help me so that this time around I could have something to help me deal with chemo a little better than before. She is so unbelievably awesome!}

As for The Knight and I…

That’s a post for another time; a time when the wounds haven’t been rubbed raw and time has numbed me just a little more. God knows we’re trying, struggling with ourselves and with one another, to get through this with our love in tact. I don’t know that it will work, but at least we can say we tried, right?

:::sigh:::

But for the grace of God go I

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