If you’ve read here for any length of time there is no doubt that you are aware of the fact that I’m married. You also know that it was a long time coming, the ring and the proposal, then the actual marriage. I spent years hoping and praying that one day The Knight would finally marry me.
Knowing that I have probably written about our relationship with little more than passing honesty, I have decided to set the record straight. Please know that it has taken me a long time to get to this point. I never in my life could have imagined that something that was seemingly perfect would end up being the hardest thing ever to be a part of on a day to day basis.
There are moments when his tenderness takes my breath away. His smile and his gentle words envelope me and warm me like the sweet summer sun. His arms encircle me and I can’t help but feel safe, as if our relationship will never be anything other than a marriage made in Heaven. In those moments it is so easy to see why I feel as if I’m about to take flight.
Then it happens like it always does and we fight like the worst enemies. Small skirmishes develop into full world wars and the gloves are off. Accusations fly about perceived unfairness in the way we treat the children, about how I have come between him and his sons. I can’t help but cry as I look at him with new eyes. How can this be the same man who swears I am the very definition of perfection? How can he scream about how he can’t stand me, how he would love to slash his wrists just to escape me when only moments before he was swearing I was the best thing that had ever happened to him?
When the dust settles and the smoke clears my heart is battered and bruised. Thought of suicide tumble around inside my brain and self-hatred settles in like a long lost friend. It used to be that it would go away after a day, maybe two. Now, it’s a constant companion- the only one I have it seems. I cry and I write, desperate to figure out which one of us is right and which one of us is wrong. I question every action, every word that has passed between us and I call into question my own feelings and emotions.
I always thought that love, true love, was supposed to lift you up. I believed that the love of the right man could set you free and help you to see yourself in a new and positive light. I used to think that five dollar words and compliments from the man of your dreams would work their magic and you would go on to live happily ever after.
Then I fell in love, head over heels, foolishly and wholly in love.
Now I know that the love of a man isn’t all its cracked up to be. It’s pain and heart break. It’s self-doubt and self-hatred all wrapped up in a gorgeous blue-eyed package. It’s a mindfuck of the very worst sort that leaves you in a sobbing pile on the blood drenched bathroom tile because cutting is the only way to know that you’re still alive.
I know marriage is hard. I know that there are ups and downs; highs and lows. I know that life and stress and world events can upset the delicate balance. But why does he have to be so angry all the time? If he’s not happy and he wants out, why doesn’t he just go? Surely being left is better and would hurt less than living a lie day after day while it slowly tears me apart from the inside out. I can’t be the only one who realizes and accepts this as the truth, can I?
I have no ides where to go or what to do. He has stayed with me despite the whole cancer thing. He’s taken care of me the best way he knows how, provided food and shelter and help with the most basic of things. I can’t help but feel as if I owe him to some extent. Just not at the expense of myself and my well-being. I don’t believe that I am in the wrong by drawing a line at mental and emotional abuse when I can see the effect it’s having on me and the people I love (the children).
So there you have it.
I’m sorry that I have painted a less than accurate picture of the way things are. I guess I was hoping for things to improve. Maybe I believed that whisful thinking would be more than enough. Either way, now you all know the true state of our union. {I intentionally left the whole sex and D/s things to put into a post of their own because they need a place with plenty of space.}
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I like to think that I am just your average fat bisexual submissive housewife with a heart of gold. When I'm not battling cancer I can usually be found tackling the joys and pitfalls that come with being not only an ex-wife and a mother but also a sexual abuse survivor. I believe that healing is possible even when it comes to sex lives. And when our house finally falls silent at the end of the day I chronicle my journey for the world to see. My writing covers everything from relationships and marriage to sex advice pieces and sex toy reviews.Soon I hope to begin podcasting and other collaborative projects. And if you didn't know it yet, I'm a comment and email junkie, so don't hesitate to drop me a line.
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There isn’t much I can say here. I have been through pretty crappy relationships. Many that had full blown shouting matches with harsh words and tears. Some were physically abusive, all were mentally abusive.
In my opinion true love is what it’s cracked up to be. Yes you have your ups and downs but they are never THAT bad.
The only time that Sylvanus and I actually got in a tearful, shouting fight was when we truly did hurt each other. We’ve moved on since then.
You ask why doesn’t he leave? For the same reason nobody leaves a relationship they’ve been in for so long. They are afraid to uproot their lives. There’s a lot at stake here, feelings, a home, children, losing someone you care about. Sometimes it has to be the other person who stands up and makes things right.
It almost sounds as if he feels he has a right to treat you so horribly. I can’t believe the things he has said to you. He wishes he could slit his wrists to get away? Who the hell says that to their spouse? I think he feels he has the right because of all the time he has spent with you taking care of you, dealing with the cancer… it’s pretty shitty. I don’t think anyone has the right to treat someone like that.
I’m sure the two of you have already done the counseling thing and if you haven’t you really should and it should be centered around “dealing with cancer”.
I am sitting here trying to imagine Sylvanus saying those words to me and it rips me apart. That would hurt. It would make me decide it was over. I don’t need someone who wants to tell me they would rather kill themselves than be with me. How do you get over something like that? I could never sleep in the same bed again.
mina´s last blog post..Absentee Fiancee
By mina on 02.15.09 8:19 pm | Permalink
Wow, darlin’. This is big.
I’ve been reading your blog for a long time, and I think I’ve left a few scattered comments here and there.
When I read your blog, I’m always struck by my awareness of just how much there is for you to deal with in your life, and how heavy the load is.
Cancer. First marriage. Second marriage. Children. Working out your sexuality around BDSM.
You know what? Any one of these could provide enough stress to make the wear and tear show in terms of mental health, wouldn’t it?
One thing my own husband used to say to me a lot was, “Don’t feel bad about feeling bad.” I used to think that if I wasn’t happy or my husband or kids weren’t happy, I had failed.
But sometimes things outside our control make it damn hard to be cheerful. We can work on our relationship all we want, but there’s so much stress and pressure that sometimes it seems impossible to stay focused, loving, calm.
You’re not crazy. The situation is crazy. Is a little self-care called for? A nap? Stupid mindless TV (one of my faves?) Ice cream (also a favorite of mine?)
Take care. Hang in there.
By Lisa Williams on 02.15.09 9:22 pm | Permalink
If Nancy and I were going through what you describe, both of us would insist on attending counseling together.
Love shouldn’t be someone messing with your head.
Please go together to have someone help you two work through this.
Rob´s last blog post..4th Quarter Super Bowl Blogging
By Rob on 02.15.09 11:36 pm | Permalink
[...] bookmarks tagged delicate The State of Our Union saved by 3 others jismen7 bookmarked on 02/16/09 | [...]
By Pages tagged "delicate" on 02.16.09 1:16 am | Permalink
My mom didn’t give me a lot of advice, more of a ‘push you out of the nest to learn how to fly’ kind of person, but she did tell me this once, in so many words: Your gut is a part of you. When you get those fluttery uncertain danger-will-robinson feelings on a regular basis, LISTEN TO THEM. If your wrist hurt a lot when you moved it, would you keep moving it or would you try to figure out what’s wrong and protect it until the pain stopped?
You know your own life. You can blog about it until you’re blue in the face, but you’ll always know more than we do. If it’s enough trouble to seep into your pen-name-persona, it’s gotta be pretty bad off the grid, darlin. The first person you spoke to about this was right - you don’t need a new person, you need to hear what the first one was telling you.
*hugs*
-TTC
ThatToyChick´s last blog post..Adam and Eve Beaded Glass Dildo Review
By ThatToyChick on 02.16.09 8:27 am | Permalink
I think you just described the relationship Daddy and I have, only we didn’t get married. He’s so angry…and I can’t fix that. I want to make his life better, but he doesn’t let me, and instead resents me. I love him more that I’ve ever loved anyone, and I know he lives me too. Once moment is perfect and the next is hell.
Someday, do I think we’ll be married and happy? Maybe. Some days, I think it would be easier to walk away, forget he ever existed in my life…or wish he’d do the walking. When t comes to that, though, we’d both rather be dead than live without one another. So we go on being miserable and in love and hating one another and passionate.
Sorry for the rambling, I just really related to what you said here!
By Rori on 02.16.09 4:52 pm | Permalink
My heart and prayers are with you. Apart from the cancer, I’ve been where you are. I hope for both your sakes that you don’t do anything permanent without counseling first. Relationships are the hardest thing we’ll ever do, and that’s without one partner facing a life threatening illness. Having to deal with one thing as serious as cancer, has to create some extreme stress that can’t help but effect everything else in your lives, causing even more stress. Perhaps your doctor can recommend a counselor or therapy group that’s affordable or maybe even free. I just hope you both feel it’s worth trying. It’s very hard when one of you doesn’t feel anything is worth the effort because they think nothing’s wrong.
By Terry on 02.16.09 9:23 pm | Permalink
Oh, Sweetie…love isn’t supposed to be like this. I understand stress and the ways in which we have no tools to deal with them. Relationships are challenges, even with a tenth of the issues you two have had to deal with. Sounds like he and your relationship need help.
The first step…”rightness”. If you remained focused there, nothing will ever change. It’s not about “rightness” it’s about OUR feelings and inner stuff and woundings that get triggered by our partner that have nothing to do with them and everything to do with us. Until that is ingrained, until you two stop blaming yourselves and each other, there will be no peace.
I wish you well. I wish you great results in your clinical trial, with all your pretty pinkness surrounding you.
Much love your way….
gillette´s last blog post..My Submission
By gillette on 02.17.09 12:02 pm | Permalink
Darling, this is NOT good. Not at all. As in not healthy. No one should say those things and no certainly no one should have them hurled at them. Do not confuse D/s with abusive behavior. Please seek out counseling, individual and couples. Please think hard about leaving versus staying. I’m here for you.
dharma´s last blog post..Winter Notes
By dharma on 02.25.09 10:53 am | Permalink
Though absent online I assure you, you are ever present in my mind. I know Butterfly, what it is to feel alone in a house with someone you desperately love and want the same love from. I experienced that, and I turned myself inside out trying to fit into someone elses picture of how *I* should be. It’s different to say take me as I am than it is to actually live that way.
Why you insist on doubting and second guessing yourself so much is at this point beyond me. You’ve lived enough and survived enough to know, your gut is 99% right. Let go, let God, and love like YOU want to!
Don’t paint yourself into these corners anymore being what you think will make it better or open someones eyes to see you so perfectly they can’t help but adore and love you.
Geeesus Butterfly, if I were close by I’d smack ya!! People love you, wholly!! Don’t let misgivings and life taint that or your perspective!
Chin up!!
My love,
The Other Mother
By The Other Mother on 03.05.09 10:50 am | Permalink
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