Well, it’s been a while, hasn’t it? I really don’t have an excuse to give, so if you’ll sit back and give me a moment of your time I will try to explain.

As of Monday I am on end-of-life care. I am finishing up the last part of the clinical trial, but up to this point it’s been a holding pattern. Knowing that, I had to be brutally honest with my family physician who will also be my hospice physician. I know I should be falling apart, ranting and raving, but I really have only a sigh of relief and prayers of thanks for as many days as I’ve been allowed. I wasn’t supposed to make it this far, ya know? So, each and every single day that I have been given is a bonus. It’s a reason to celebrate and revel in the simple things.

I’m officially on permanent disability. I don’t know exactly what that means yet, but I’ll let you know as soon as I do. Sometime next week I have an appointment with the people who have the say.

My physician currently has me on several medications. Of course there are the four chemo drugs, but there are more. I’m on Valium three times a day to control the seizures. I’m on Neurontin three times a day to combat the numbness/loss of feeling/mobility issues I am having with my arms and legs. I still have the promethazine for the nausea, of course. He’s got me on Zoloft to combat the effects of the Valium and the Neurontin which apparently help aid an already out of control depression. Oh and he doubled my pain medicine. (If anyone breaks in or robs me as I am leaving the pharmacy they will be the richest thugs on the street!) As you can well imagine, even day to day living and activities are nearly impossible. Still, I keep on trying.

What else?

The Knight and I are over. I will finish moving my things out on Saturday and be residing in West Virginia with my mother and step-father. I’m scared, of course, but I think maybe I’m also kind of relieved. I think we both are, if I’m brutally honest about it all. I know that I will never love another. I made a vow and just because we won’t be together doesn’t mean I won’t keep them.

My heart and soul belong to him. Everything is blurry and confusing and I alternate between crying and deep sighs of relief. I look at myself in the mirror and I like the person staring back. That’s something I haven’t been able to say in a very long time. But it doesn’t change the fact that I miss him. I know it will get better but it’s not there yet.

I loved spending the weekend with my babies and my family. I enjoyed seeing my grandmother, talking to my mother, and visiting with my sister. I felt like I really had come home and that was a feeling that can’t be replaced for anything. I guess I didn’t really know, didn’t realize how alone and isolated I was until I went home and felt their love surround me.

I don’t know when I will be able to update again. I’m residing in the land of dial-up once more and while I am having withdrawals, everything else is going to be okay. For now, I’m just in a holding pattern.

{I’m always available by email, so don’t hesitate to drop me a line. I’d love to hear from you!}

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