04
One
Posted under Love, Life by The Butterfly Temptress
It feels so odd to be writing this. I’m sitting by the phone waiting for the results of the scan I had on Wednesday morning, but there’s more. I’m sitting by the phone waiting to hear from my husband. My husband who left this morning without kissing me goodbye after yelling me for God only knows what.
The stress we’re under is unbelievable and lately it’s been taking its toll. We love one another, no doubt, but we’re only human. Between children and former spouses alone the stress is enough to make a sane person go crazy, but add cancer and all that goes with it to the mix and it’s a wonder we’re not both institutionalized. Where there are two unusually rational people there happen to be two people ready to go off at the slightest provocation and we have.
It’s been months but I’ve been cutting myself again. I know, I know…crazy, right? I know it is but I also know that just one small knick and I feel back in control. I feel alive. The numbness disappears and I am reminded that I’m still alive.
In spite of everything, I thought we were doing alright. I believed that we were handling it just fine. But I guess I was wrong, judging by this mornings explosion.
He’s never not kissed me before he walks out the door, but especially not when he’s going to work. He’s never not told me he loves me. I should be praying for good news from the doctor. I should be focused on the court hearings that I have coming up this month.
Instead I’m so very scared that two is quickly breaking into one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-U-JwaTCXmw
Oh sweetie, like you said things have been very stressful…. I’m sure things are not going to become one! Just make sure the 2 of you talk this thru.
Dear Butterfly,
Fears and frustrations can make us act in such rash behavior if we let it. No wonder you turned to a previous form of reassurance. But I’m hoping that things will be much better soon.
Even if/when you don’t hear from me, you are always uppermost in my thoughts & prayers.
Much love,
Terry
I am from India and I have two relatives who had been affected by breast cancer.Just logged in to say that there are a lot of people out there who are praying for you and wishing you well.I am a medical doctor by profession and do know from professional and personal experience that people recover from cancer.The cutting that you do is understandable given the multiple strains that you are going through.But please understand it an addictive coping mechanism that creates more problems in the longer term.I hope this article would help you understand the reasons why you are doing it and by so doing help you to eliminate it as a coping mechanism.I am not being judgemental at all,what I am saying I do not think you are crazy or something,I do realize why you are doing it and although it gives temporary relief it will hurt you more.And I don’t want that.
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm
Always remember that you are very important and valued not just by next of kin but also by well wishers from around the world.
Dear Butterfly,
I want to reach out and give you a hug and a kiss and stroke your hair and tell you everything will be finr, but I don’t know how. I just don’t know how to make a difference. I’ve never seen you, never touched you, never spoken to you but I’m holding you in my heart. Be warm and safe and free.
Love,
orchidea xxx
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