I’m feeling absolutely dreadful. I have no energy and my head feels as if it’s going to explode. My heart is heavy and my mind is weighed down by things that don’t belong here.

However, I know enough to know that there are incredibly special people in my life. People that not so long ago were strangers are now friends. Amazing individuals that have taken the time to comment or email and send words of encouragement my way.

I just wanted to take time out from real life off-line and say thank you. Thank you for the love and thank you for the prayers.

And Catalina, my sweet soul sister, a double thanks to you for working so hard.

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Last week I promised to show you what my hair looked like before cancer and chemo. So here it is. (Taken by The Knight right after a shower.) Since the photo is black and white you can’t see the coppery auburn that it naturally is. Oh how I loved my hair. Losing it was so hard. Now that it’s growing back, it’s an awful drab color, but I have hair again!

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Not too long ago Edenfantasys proposed that I write a few pieces for them detailing what it’s like to deal with cancer. As a sex toy company they were definitely interested in how the cancer diagnosis had impacted our sex life and my sexuality but they were also interested in knowing how it changed my life and my marriage as a whole.

I read the email and asked the questions that I thought of. Then I sat back to think about whether or not I was willing to lay bare my soul in quite this way. Yes, I blog. I blog about sex; I blog about cancer. Blogging about how those things really feel or how they truly impact the most important aspects of your life is something completely different.

Then I realized that maybe this was something that needed to be written about. Why? Of all the articles on the Internet that I read or found myself directed to, very few mentioned the effects of cancer, chemo, or radiation on a woman’s sex life. I didn’t know when all of this started if it was normal to still desire my husband much less need to have an orgasm. I had no idea what to expect or what was normal. But I didn’t understand why no one had written about it.

So, I started writing. I wrote an article and I cried the entire way through. Another article took me three days to write. Other pieces and parts of articles came easily and they made me see myself in a different light.

Just before they started posting my articles on their blog I received an email asking me to set up a PayPal account and provide them with a button for donations. Edenfantasys had decided that they would match any donation made between then and November 18th. I was absolutely shocked and overwhelmed. So, I did as they asked.

Now, Catalina and the commUNITY at Best Sex Bloggers have decided to keep the articles going. Soon you will be able to read the articles there in their entirety. It’s amazing what happens when people pull together and I am honored to be a part of something so wonderful, to call many of them friends.

So a little time has passed and now you will notice a donation button in my sidebar. I swore I would never have one. To me, it’s an honor that you visit my site and read what I write here. However, some people have expressed concern about knowing that their intended donations reached the person, etc. With a donation button linked directly to an account specifically for this purpose, people can rest assured that their donations are going where they want them to go, if they choose to donate.

This is an odd place for me to be. I’m used to being the one who sets up donations for people. Families who can’t give their children a proper Christmas. Coats, blankets, and meal vouchers for homeless men and women in DC. Care packages and handwritten letters for men and women serving their country in Iraq and Afghanistan. There are many other things that I have organized and been a part of; things that warmed my heart and nurtured my soul in ways that no one will ever understand.

To be on the receiving end of an amazing gift is indescribable and I thank all of you from the bottom of my overflowing heart.

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In June of 2006, a little while after I started blogging originally, I wrote a post about The Green Eyed Monster. It was a whiny post full of snark and all sorts of things that normally would never have said. Okay, maybe I would have said them, but never in quite the way I said them.

I’m happy to report that two years later, The Green Eyed Monster has passed away. It died a slow and painful death, like almost everything else I’ve ever dreamed of, at the hands of cancer. As we all know, cancer is a bitch that knows no boundaries and never takes no for an answer.

And Stephanie, I’m so glad that your dreams are coming true. I’m sorry for the awful post made back then. In the last few months I have lived vicariously through you. I have cheered for you. I have cried for you. Not once, however, have I envied you. I was thrilled that your star was on the rise.

Long after I am dead and gone people will dream impossible dreams. They will suffer and struggle and find themselves flat on their faces. All the things that I have experienced, others will endure. I hope that for every single one of us that have failed there will be three who succeed.

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The first time I logged in over at MyHopeSpace, I noticed the front page featured a link titled Cancer Is A Bitch. I clicked on the link and knew, right then and there, that I had to read the book. I navigated my way to Gail’s site and searched until I found her contact information.

The email that follows is the actual pathetic begging that was done-

Hi Gail

I’m currently in the middle of cancer treatments for a brain tumor. In addition to that, I also blog like a fiend, write like there is no tomorrow, and thrive on reviews. I just read about your book and really, I’d love to review it on my blog. I’m sure you get hundreds of requests for things like this every day, but I’d like to read it and review it to get the word out to the people who visit my site.

If this is at all possible, please let me know. Thanks for your time and the best to you and yours.

Imagine my surprise when I received an email back almost immediately. It wasn’t a form email or a computer generated reply, but an actual response from Gail herself! In it she wrote words of encouragement and offered to send me a pdf if I was interested.

So I received the pdf and began to read. And I began to cry. Not silent tears that no one could have noticed, but sobs that shook my entire body. This was a woman who knew how I felt and she was writing about it! Immediately I emailed her and told her that her words had moved me. (I know this because I have the emails in my inbox still.)

Gail wrote, with such eloquence, all the things I’d been feeling.

But Cancer didn’t hear me, didn’t see me cry. It was
busy moving in, crushing my sternum, throttling my
throat, sucker punching my gut, bullying me into
submission.
…
How had I not appreciated my health all those years
I didn’t have a diagnosis following me everywhere like
an annoying sibling, mimicking my every move, mirroring
the parts of me that make me feel awkward,
ashamed? My diagnosis, a brat, demanding center stage,
forcing me to fill my calendar with appointments
where I’m weighed and blood pressured and poked and
probed, felt up and down and warned about my risk.
I want to be brave. I want to be big. I want to be gracious
and cool. I want to be the Audrey Hepburn of
cancer.
…
But I’m not like Heather. For one thing, I’m not tall.
Or bony. And cancer doesn’t feel sexy on me. It feels
ugly, cankerous, mean, and old. It reminds me that I’ll
never be twenty again, that time has moved faster and
less kindly than I expected.And I’m not wearing it well.
I can’t figure out how to hold my face anymore, what to
do with these weary eyes afraid to stare back at me, this
I’m “It” mouth that doesn’t know how to smile anymore when
smiling feels so foreign, so strange. Why do, how do
people, how did I ever smile? when all I can think is
cancer cancer cancer cancer.

She fought the battle and won. She did it with dignity and grace. Gail is an example of how exceptional real women can be when faced with the worst news of their lives.

Please, but the book. Read it. Then pass it along to someone you know. Because Gail is right you know. Cancer is a bitch.

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It’s October, the month set aside to raise breast cancer awareness. So, I’ve decided to go pink for the entire month. If you wish to be part of the movement, please visit Pink For October and register.

In addition to going pink, there are plenty of other ways to show your support. I’m encouraging you to participate in Boobiethon 2008. Once you’ve done that, maybe you can head on over to Feel Your Boobies and see what they have to offer.

As a final stop, I’m asking that you visit and join MyHopeSpace today. They are amazing people with an amazing idea and I really want to see them reach as many people as possible. If you think you have no reason to join, think again. You’re reading this, you know I am fighting cancer, so you are part of the circle. So please check it out and reach out to someone who is reaching out to you.

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So my head is out of the sand. I’m writing this now, before I forget more than I already have. To help me, I’m depending on notes taken on my cell phone during the appointments, so please be patient with me.

As of right now, this is end-of-life care. I’m still doing chemo, but the doctors are not making promises. My immune system is shot and my neurological function is extremely diminished. I have hallucinations that are caused by the location of the cancer. I am a fucking mess.

In addition to chemo they have also prescribed anti-seizure meds which are supposed to help me be more comfortable. Yeah, okay. They have also prescribed pain meds that I can’t afford to pay for because this is not covered by insurance. What is comfortable about things that remind me that if I use them I will leave my husband more in debt than we already are?

The Knight has taken four weeks to care for me. As life would seem to be out to screw me in true royal fashion, I can’t be left alone. At the end of those four weeks we will see. Either I will be dead or a true medical miracle.

I long for my husband, for the eternity we were going to have. I yearn for my girls, for their spirit and their beauty, for their arms around me as I snuggle them close. I need my babies to keep me going, to show me how to hope. I ache for the ability to say the words aloud, to leave something behind that has captured who I truly am.

I think it’s enough for today. I’m tired and I’m now in a sour mood. So, there you have it. The thing I didn’t want to discuss.

Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers. It’s the only chance I have at the miracle I so desperately long for.

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I’m participating. I’m supporting. I’m asking you to do the same. Please, visit Boobiethon and show your support.

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Back from the chemo and appointment with the oncologist. I know I should say something, anything, but I can’t. Right now I just need a moment.

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