Well, it’s been a while, hasn’t it? I really don’t have an excuse to give, so if you’ll sit back and give me a moment of your time I will try to explain.

As of Monday I am on end-of-life care. I am finishing up the last part of the clinical trial, but up to this point it’s been a holding pattern. Knowing that, I had to be brutally honest with my family physician who will also be my hospice physician. I know I should be falling apart, ranting and raving, but I really have only a sigh of relief and prayers of thanks for as many days as I’ve been allowed. I wasn’t supposed to make it this far, ya know? So, each and every single day that I have been given is a bonus. It’s a reason to celebrate and revel in the simple things.

I’m officially on permanent disability. I don’t know exactly what that means yet, but I’ll let you know as soon as I do. Sometime next week I have an appointment with the people who have the say.

My physician currently has me on several medications. Of course there are the four chemo drugs, but there are more. I’m on Valium three times a day to control the seizures. I’m on Neurontin three times a day to combat the numbness/loss of feeling/mobility issues I am having with my arms and legs. I still have the promethazine for the nausea, of course. He’s got me on Zoloft to combat the effects of the Valium and the Neurontin which apparently help aid an already out of control depression. Oh and he doubled my pain medicine. (If anyone breaks in or robs me as I am leaving the pharmacy they will be the richest thugs on the street!) As you can well imagine, even day to day living and activities are nearly impossible. Still, I keep on trying.

What else?

My heart and soul belong to him. Everything is blurry and confusing and I alternate between crying and deep sighs of relief. I look at myself in the mirror and I like the person staring back. That’s something I haven’t been able to say in a very long time. But it doesn’t change the fact that I miss him.

I loved spending the weekend with my babies and my family. I enjoyed seeing my grandmother, talking to my mother, and visiting with my sister. I felt like I really had come home and that was a feeling that can’t be replaced for anything.

I don’t know when I will be able to update again. I’m residing in the land of dial-up once more and while I am having withdrawals, everything else is going to be okay. For now, I’m just in a holding pattern.

{I’m always available by email, so don’t hesitate to drop me a line. I’d love to hear from you!}

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I’ve been away from the blogosphere for a little while and I’d be lying if I said I missed it. The fact is, I have been so focused on the journey at hand that I really didn’t miss this place at all. I did, however, miss the people that have made my life so wonderful. So, I figured it was time to come back.

The last round of chemo didn’t do anything more than leave me in a holding pattern. On May first I will find out of the most recent round did anything. At the same time I will start the next part of Phase two. And this is the part where I resist the temptation to whine and insist on throwing in the towel. I’m thankful for the opportunity to continue on with the trial. I’m just more than a little tired of being the human guinea pig. I am so ready to have my life back, to be the active person I was before all of this.

To help prepare me for that time, I’ve been staying on the Weight Watchers program. In three weeks I have lost a total of 9.8 pounds. I’m working on adding more activity to my daily routine, but it’s not as easy as I thought it would be. Still, I know it’s important if I want to be successful. Surprisingly enough I really do feel better on the days that I use the treamill. An added bonus for me is the water intake. I hate it, but I have found that getting my 64oz a day in is easy when I use two water bottles and keep them chilled. One of the most surprising things for me is seeing a physical difference so early into the process. It’s a great way to stay positive and on track.

As I try to stick to the plan, I am learning more about myself and my habits. I am figuring out what triggers my inability to resist overeating. If I am bored, I tend to want to eat. If I am feeling even the least bit stressed, I tend to gravitate towards things like chocolate frosting right out of the container. While I am far from being an expert, I think I am figuring out what is working for me.

The Knight and I are not as close as we used to be. He is still working from home since I can’t be by myself yet, but our contact is limited. He works during the day and I do my thing. In the evenings he works on his computer while I pass time writing or watching movies. The more time I spend on my own self-improvement and self-care, the less I miss physical intimacy.

This week I will be doing a couple more reviews. So, check in for those. Also, please feel free to leave any comments or suggestions you may have for losing weight. I have a lot to lose, so if you’ve lost over 100lbs and you have some awesome tricks to make it easier, let me know. I hate to feel like I am going it alone.

{A special thanks to The Other Mother for her continuued support and friendship. I can’t tell you what a difference it has made for me to have us be on the same side, to be allied in the raising of our two beautiful girls. I really believe that my stress is minimal and healing is being maximized because we’re in this together, instead of being completely at odds.}

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I walked into the local Weight Watchers with my mother and sister in tow. Along with the Life. Love. Cancer. website, having my mother and sister join me was part of my birthday present. I know that all sorts of nasty things lurk in our medical history and I knew too that I couldn’t do it by myself, so what better way to kill two birds with one stone? Oh how my stomach rolled as we waited our turn to register. I knew what the scale would say and I knew what a hellish road this would be.

We registered and waited for the meeting to be over so we could attend the Getting Started portion of the sign-up. The leader was nice enough but I knew right then and there that she wasn’t someone I could listen to. The woman had joined Weight Watchers to lose 25lbs over thirty years ago! There was no way in the world she could relate to someone like me who had over a hundred pounds to lose! Still, I listened and I took it all in.

In addition to the meetings I am also tracking my progress on-line. So far the message boards are awesome! I think they will make a huge difference.

As far as progoress…

I think I am okay. My birthday was on 03/19, the same day I registered, but I officially started on 03/20. That same Friday I found myself feeling dreadful. As my luck would have it, I ended up with yet another sinus infection AND another bout of pneumonia. So more trips to the physician, more antibiotics and more days under the radar. All I wanted to do was sleep!

Still, I managed to drink my water. I ate and recorded. Then I was ill and starving and I wasn’t at all sure how to account for throwing up in my journal. I mean, I didn’t eat anything else because I didn’t want to blow my points but seriously, I was starving! Saturday and Sunday led to all day sleeping for me. I woke after 8pm and ate a full meal on both occasions and since I was too lazy to really tally up the points I just put down the max number for the days and marked twenty more off my weekly extras.

I can’t believe that I’ve kept up with the water. I don’t like it and I know there are other options but this seems a good habit to get into. I’m hoping that it will pay off in the end when I attend my first weigh-in on Thursday.

What else…

Oh yes. This whole being thirty-two thing is quite grand! I find that I am so excited by the fact that I am a whole bona fide thirty-two that not much can get me down. Seriously, I have twice reached my expected date of expiration and I have a feeling once I get this eating and exercising thing down pat I will find remission close at hand. I have far too much to live for, too many things to do before I die.

The Other Mother and I are doing well. I wish we could chat more, but with both of us leading full lives, it’s challenging. I’ve opened up to her a bit more and I have found it to be quite a good thing. She’s not using it against me, but rather she is understanding. I must say she has great taste in birthday gifts! I am so glad that we have reached this place. It is my hope that as time goes by our alliance is only strengthened.

The Knight and I are who we are. We have talked a lot lately and sorted out some things. I don’t think any marriage is without trials and tribulations. For now I am cutting both of us a little more slack because, truth be told, we’re run ragged. It’s hard to be anything other than exhausted when you’re run ragged.

I like the person that I’m becoming. Oh it’s still me. I’m not likely to change at the core of who I am but the core never was the problem. So with a few pounds shed and a load lighter in spirit, I’m living life out loud with no fear.

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So it’s the day before my birthday. A birthday they swore I would never see. Tomorrow I will be able to rejoice and celebrate the fact that I was one of the lucky ones who defied the odds. Oh, I know that I’m not out of the woods yet. If I would forget, the neatly lined prescription bottles on my desk would remind me that I have a long way to go. Still, to be here, to be alive when they said I wouldn’t be…it’s just amazing.

As part of my new plan for living out loud, tomorrow is the day that I will officially begin Weight Watchers. I’ve dusted off my treadmill(a gift from Mama who was no longer using it), found my Nikes, and asked The Knight for a great pedometer. My refrigerator is full of frozen vegetables, low-fat milk and yogurt and the all important water bottle. Though I have tried to Weight Watchers before, it’s different this time. Back then it was just about losing weight. This time around it’s about changing my lifestyle and my relationship with food. (And I found the coolest journal to use while I am doing this. Catalina told me that writing things down really helped her in her weight loss journey, so I am taking my friends advice and giving it a go!)

Since I am making 2009 the year that I become a better version of myself, I am also attending Sex 2.0 in Washington, DC in May. With great speakers and great bloggers in attendance I can’t imagine a better way to mix and meet and find out how I can do more by way of activism. I feel that after four years of blogging it’s time to do more with my site than offer a peek into my own life and give readers reviews. While I admit that some of the things will be easier to do in a larger city, I’m hoping to find ways to help and spread the word here in Pittsburgh and I can’t think of a better way to get started than by spending time with people like Audacia Ray and Elizabeth Wood. I look forward to seeing everyone there, so be sure to register. {If you can’t attend but you’d like to show your support you can do so here.}

If you’re making 2009 your own year of self-discovery through weight loss, activism or even through writing (I’m determined that this is the year I see my writing published), drop me a line. I’d love to hear more about your plans and your goals. Maybe we can offer one another support along the way.

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For too long it’s been missing. For too long it’s been ignored. The dance of avoidance was well-practiced until it was almost an art form.

Then in one evening, with one conversation, it was there once more.

Desire.

My heart raced and my body began to respond as his hands caressed my skin. I sighed and arched my back, careful to press my body closer to his hand. In porn movies the women always purred or moaned but all I could do was sigh and arch closer. This was no porn movie.

I reached out to touch him. My fingers traced a trail from his hairless chest to his navel. He sighed and moaned then followed my movements and arched his back.

It crossed my mind to lick and kiss my way down his body. With a smile and a sigh I kissed his mouth then dropped to follow the trail my fingers had traced. His skin was salty and sweet and though I’m sure I imagined it, he tasted of arousal.

His hands found my body once more and I was certain I’d explode. We explored one another intimately and thoroughly, afraid that what we found that night would disappear come Monday morning. As his hands moved me into position for his entry I marveled at my own arousal. Despite the pain medicine and chemo, I was wet and ready for him.

It felt like we were joined for an eternity. He entered me slowly and took his time, sensually stroking my swollen lips and throbbing clit. He paused to lick my bottom then impaled me with his cock once more.

We came together and it seemed to go on endlessly in the most delicious way. Tears clouded my vision and my mouth was dry. When it was over my muscles ached and my body was shaking.

I loved once more knowing just how awesome it is to experience desire.

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It seems that I am sleeping a lot more than usual lately. The doctors tell me it’s a good thing, to go ahead and sleep as much as I can because my body needs the rest. One trip up the stairs and I am completely knackered, in a hurry to slide beneath the blankets and slip into his arms.

But there are other things that I want; other things that leave me breathless and yearning.

I long to feel his hands tangled in my hair as he holds my head to his crotch. I ache to gag and cough from taking his cock too deep into my mouth. I want to be held in place and have my mouth filled to overflowing with his sweet and sticky essence.

In my heart of hearts I want to shrug off the love. Instead, I want to find my wrists and ankles bound with rope. I want to tug and struggle while knowing all along that there will be no escape until he says so. I want to cry and let go. I want to lose myself in the man who wields the flogger.

Right now I am tired of holding it all together. I am tired of being in control. I’m fed up with the passing hint of passion. I want full on desire and lust.

I want to skip a dose or two of pain medicine so I can feel the full effect of his hands against my skin. I want to be present and I want to be on fire. I want to kneel and serve and be completely at someone elses mercy.

And in the morning, I want to trace the black and blue marks with my fingertips. I want to walk gently because my fat ass has been used well. I want to close my eyes and remember every second of torture and torment; every second of exquisite ecstasy.

I just want to be me.

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I don’t think I knew the proper way to give a man oral pleasure until him. With his hand wrapped around mine to show me the proper rhythm and a steady stream of whispered instructions my face burned. For as long as I could remember I was told how well I did when it came to fellatio. Now I was being told that there was room for improvement.

I wanted to please him, so I kept silent. I listened to what he said and struggled to get it right. Less friction. Mind the sac. Smooth and fluid motions, girl. That’s it. Like that.

My head filled with thoughts of leaving him hanging. I mean, how dare he tell me how to improve? Then I realized that I was being given an awesome opportunity. I knew we wouldn’t last. I knew that this would not be the last blowjob ever, so why not look at the whole thing as sort of a blowjob boot camp?

The weekend continued on and I soaked his wisdom up like a thirsty sponge. I practiced and pondered. I experimented and exalted. And when the weekend was over, I walked away knowing that the weekend had been a waste of time in every other way, but at least I walked away with knowledge that most women miss out on.

To this day I remember every second of that weekend with him. Every single time I lay between The Knights thighs and touch my tongue to the tip of his cock, I remember what I was taught. When I have teased and tortured just enough to make him squirm and thrust his hips upward in an effort to finish deep within my throat, I remember.

Then I swallow every single drop. Just like I was taught.

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Please join me in celebrating a wonderful new home for Life. Love. Cancer! After months of thinking about it and wondering which direction to go with it, Life. Love. Cancer. will now have its own dot com.

We’re still working on it, tweaking and perfecting bits and pieces but so far, it’s a go. Not only will the articles have a place to live that is safe for work (and sharing among friends and family!) we will also be carving out a place for all things related. From news about the latest cancer research and technologies to relationship advice, Life. Love. Cancer. will cover it all.(For those who have asked for a place to share your thoughts on childhood abuse, we’ve included that too! As survivors, a place to gather and celebrate will be a wonderful addition.)

Thanks to everyone who made it possible. All the late night chats, last minute design tips, and pep talks really have paid off. Please be sure to join us and let us know what you think**.

**If you’re interested in contributing to Life. Love. Cancer please email us at [email protected]

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Not too long ago I was at my local Barnes & Noble looking for ways to pass time. I’d received a couple gift cards from people who know what a bibliophile I am and I couldn’t wait to use them. In the section where I always find the most lovely journals, I found a write-in book titled Love Listography by Lisa Nolan. As a way to keep myself busy and you (the reader) entertained, I won’t fill it out. Instead, I will post my answers here.

List The People You’ve Kissed

• Jason K.
• Jason L.
• Jamie T.
• Jamie S.
• Tarius
• Eric G.
• Conte
• Matt S.
• Eric W.
• Rodney B.
• Rodney P.
• Anthony
• Brian G.
• Beckie
• Christie
• Holly
• Jenn
• David B.
• Dawn
• Kurt
• Amy
• Brad
• Travers
• Brian B.
• The Knight

{It seems as if I have kissed more than my fair share of people and I’m not sure how I feel about it. Actually, it kind of makes me feel cheap and sleazy. Still, in an effort to be more open, to find out more about myself and where I have been, I think this is going to be a good thing to continue.}

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Right now, as we all know, the economy sucks. We’re passing on the cruises and the trips in favor of saving our pennies for a rainy day. Instead of dining out, America is staying home and making use of the sky high utilities for cooking things like pigs in a blanket and shepherds pie. For those if us who are against Kraft mac n cheese and Cup o Noodles, what choices do we have?

I finally found an answer for this wanna-be foodie-

BrokeAss Gourmet

That’s right. BrokeAss Gourmet has the answers foodies living on a budget have been looking for. So cruise on over and have a look. Be astounded. Then be sure to pass it along to all your wanna-be foodie friends. Then get rid of the ramen.

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