So it’s the day before my birthday. A birthday they swore I would never see. Tomorrow I will be able to rejoice and celebrate the fact that I was one of the lucky ones who defied the odds. Oh, I know that I’m not out of the woods yet. If I would forget, the neatly lined prescription bottles on my desk would remind me that I have a long way to go. Still, to be here, to be alive when they said I wouldn’t be…it’s just amazing.

As part of my new plan for living out loud, tomorrow is the day that I will officially begin Weight Watchers. I’ve dusted off my treadmill(a gift from Mama who was no longer using it), found my Nikes, and asked The Knight for a great pedometer. My refrigerator is full of frozen vegetables, low-fat milk and yogurt and the all important water bottle. Though I have tried to Weight Watchers before, it’s different this time. Back then it was just about losing weight. This time around it’s about changing my lifestyle and my relationship with food. (And I found the coolest journal to use while I am doing this. Catalina told me that writing things down really helped her in her weight loss journey, so I am taking my friends advice and giving it a go!)

Since I am making 2009 the year that I become a better version of myself, I am also attending Sex 2.0 in Washington, DC in May. With great speakers and great bloggers in attendance I can’t imagine a better way to mix and meet and find out how I can do more by way of activism. I feel that after four years of blogging it’s time to do more with my site than offer a peek into my own life and give readers reviews. While I admit that some of the things will be easier to do in a larger city, I’m hoping to find ways to help and spread the word here in Pittsburgh and I can’t think of a better way to get started than by spending time with people like Audacia Ray and Elizabeth Wood. I look forward to seeing everyone there, so be sure to register. {If you can’t attend but you’d like to show your support you can do so here.}

If you’re making 2009 your own year of self-discovery through weight loss, activism or even through writing (I’m determined that this is the year I see my writing published), drop me a line. I’d love to hear more about your plans and your goals. Maybe we can offer one another support along the way.

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Just a bit of fun on this cloudy Pittsburgh day. If you follow the link and do one of your own, please be sure to leave a comment or link back so I can see yours.

Get your twitter mosaic here.

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Right now, as we all know, the economy sucks. We’re passing on the cruises and the trips in favor of saving our pennies for a rainy day. Instead of dining out, America is staying home and making use of the sky high utilities for cooking things like pigs in a blanket and shepherds pie. For those if us who are against Kraft mac n cheese and Cup o Noodles, what choices do we have?

I finally found an answer for this wanna-be foodie-

BrokeAss Gourmet

That’s right. BrokeAss Gourmet has the answers foodies living on a budget have been looking for. So cruise on over and have a look. Be astounded. Then be sure to pass it along to all your wanna-be foodie friends. Then get rid of the ramen.

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Right now I sit here wrapped in a tattered old towel, still dripping from a lukewarm shower. My fingers tremble and my tummy is rolling. I know that this is really nothing new, this visiting the oncologist. It’s old hat. Still, it isn’t and I am so very nervous…and excited…and terrified.

Today begins Phase II of the clinical trial and nothing else matters. Not my marriage. Not our finances. Not the fact that my 32nd birthday is right around the corner. I am focused simply on the here and now, on the possibilities and promises this next phase hold for me and my life.

My bag is packed for the day ahead. My pink laptop. My pink Zune. My pink Nintendo DS. A blank notebook to jot down thoughts and questions. Everything I need to keep the boredom at bay until my turn comes.

I need to be present. I need to let all the rest slip away and stay focused on remission. One step, then another and another until I get to where I want to be. Oh yes, being alive now, when they swore I wouldn’t be is a huge thing, but it is not enough. Only remission is enough.

So this moment, this day is for me. For my health; for my well-being; for the rest of my life.

May today be as full of hope and promise for each and every one of you.

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To all of you, near and far, from me and mine. I hope your holidays are everything you hoped they would be. I wish you and yours peace and love and the happiest of all new years.

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Oh so many things have led me to this place. I hang my head in shame. I cry hot and furious tears of humiliation then just as quickly wipe them away. I am not this woman and this is not the life I’d imagined.

It is so hard for me to accept the kindness of others, not because I’m ungrateful but because I’m not used to being in the position to do so. Please, before you think me ungrateful and wretched, hear me out.

Before this place, before this life, this was my thing. Paying it forward, making someones day, were the things I lived for.

I had a patient once, a beautiful baby girl with special needs, who belonged to a family so full of love that it broke my heart. The father lost his job when he was trying to care for his child and the mother was fresh out of rehab. Seeing her baby born with all the problems and deformities was enough to send her for help. This family was trying like hell to pull it together and keep it together, but they were struggling.

They had no Chrstmas tree. They had no money for presents. They could barely keep the power on for the machines to keep their baby going. Still, they held one another and laughed and tried desperately to make it a happy time for themselves and their other children.

Seeing that kind of love and devotion was all I needed. The family deserved someone to reach out to them. They were trying and to be commended. They didn’t need a hand out, they needed a hand up.

It was almost forty-eight hours later, on Chritsmas Eve at about a quarter to midnight when we finally got to their house. We weren’t Santa and my mothers Tahoe wasn’t a sleigh, but it was full to overflowing with clothes and food and presents. It was the least we could do for people who were trying so desperately to get it together.

In less than forty-eight hours we’d pulled together a miracle. A moment for a family that they would never forget. A miracle that the brought the parents and grandparents to tears.

I could tell you of the others, but they’re not important, really. I mean, those times were important to me, because I felt so right and so good about the smiles and relief on the faces of those I’d been blessed to know. But they’re just examples to you, words on a page that you may not even take the right way.

Now here I am, in a situation of my own that I’m so unsure of. These times are hard on everyone I know, not just my family. Still, so many of you have poured your hearts, souls, and blog posts into doing something amazing.

I feel so unworthy and saying thank you seems so inadequate.

I’m speechless. I’m emotional.

For those of you who love me, for those who still remember me…

I am humbled.

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Courtesy of Post Secret

Right now I am so very proud to be an American.

Right now I am sad that there are still so many people who are against same-sex marriages.

Right now I am more full of hope than I have been in my entire adult life.

Thank you, President Obama for giving our country back to us; for encouraging us to take control of our future.

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Adult product reviews from the last two weeks from all around the sex blogosphere. Did you miss Pleasurists #1? Read it all here. Do you Have a review for Pleasurists #3? Submit it here before Sunday November 9th at 11:59pm PST. Please re-post this list on your own blogs if listed.

Want to win some free swag? All you’ve got to do is enter.
Agent Ansley’s Win a Jaguar contest deadline November 5th 11:59 PM EST
Swag Contest: When I think of Essin’ Em deadline November 8th at 11:59pm MST.

Looking for some toys to review?
Wanted! Sex Toy Reviewers. Apply Within. Free Products Supplied.

On to the reviews…

Editor’s Pick
Njoy Pure Wand by Dangerous Lilly
“I have heard that the G-spot is more swollen and “receptive” after a clitoral orgasm, so I laid there for a bit with the wand still in me, idly playing. Soon, playing in earnest. And then I brought out the Hitachi.
Oh yes, I did.
I combined the two best toys in my arsenal.
Wanna know the result??”

The Editrix
Scarlet Lotus Sexgeek

Vibrators
Lust Objectified – Meet Nea by Domina Doll
Nice Try Durex – Durex play vibrations focus by Epiphora
The Miracle Massager plus Attachment by Rori of Between My Sheets
Buzz 1 by Essin’ Em
Sweet G Vibe and The Mini Mini Mouse by Betty Rocket
G-Spot Rabbit Vibrator by Long Distance Sub

Dildos
Bandito by Scarlet Lotus Sexgeek
Pure Wand from Njoy by Betty Rocket
Natural Contours Energie Kegel Exerciser by Stiletto Diaries

Anal Toys
Double Dare by Agent Ansley
The Nexus Titus by Jack of Writing Dirty

Erotic Books
Yes, Sir by That Toy Chick
The Leather Daddy and the Femme by Scarlet Lotus Sexgeek

Adult Movies
Review of Zack and Miri Make a Porno by Audacia Ray
Perversions of Lesbian Lust by Catalina Loves
The Erotic Witch Project by Hot Movies for Her
Girls Who Lust by Epiphora

Miscellaneous
Penis Cupcake Pan by The Countess – Elizabeth Black

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Adult product reviews from the last two weeks from all around the sex blogosphere. Find out more about Pleasurists by visiting the website.

Vibrators
Getting on “Tops” (Pleasure Tops review) by Bad Bad Girl
OhMiBod G-spot and Lelo’s Iris by Hot Movies for Her
The Odyssey Tickler by Scarlet Lotus Sexgeek

Dildos
The Hottie by Amber of Dark, Deep, Deviant
Bandito by Panthera Pardus
Vix Skin – Tex and Bandit Dildos by Buzz Buhrmann

Sex Kits
Cunnilingus Expert Kit by Ellie Lumpesse
The Ego Delight Kit by Thursday’s Child

Erotic Books/Games
The Modern Kama Sutra in a Box by The Butterfly Temptress
Tantric Lover Game and Best Sex Writing 2008 by Domina Doll
Dark Angels: Lesbian Vampire Erotica by Hot Movies for Her

Adult DVDs
Nina Hartley’s Guide to G-spot Sex by Domina Doll on Viviane’s Sex Carnival
Ladies of the Night – Les Vampyres by Hot Movies for Her
The Other Side of Sunny, Flying Solo, and Belladonna’s Foot Soldiers by Don Houston of XCritic
20 Questions by The Horny Housewife

Miscellaneous
FYN Foot Long case by Essin’ Em
VibeReview.com (the Sex Shop I Trust) by Catalina
Vixen Creations by That Toy Chick
The Hardcore Harness by Scarlet Lotus Sexgeek
Universal Lube Review by Domina Doll

Sex Toy Contests
Essin’ Em’s Blogiversary Contest deadline November 1st, 11:59pm, MST

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Election Day is right around the corner. Everyone is excited and more passionate than I ever remember from any other election. And rightfully so. The state of our union is undeniably sad. We’re looking for solutions to the problems, we’re looking for hope to get us through when nothing else can.

My hope lies with Barack Obama.

As i get older and as I face this bastard that is cancer, I no longer feel the need to be something I’m not. I no longer feel the need to be “politically correct” or agree with those who are my friends and family simply because they are part of my life.

One of the things that I have started to become outspoken about are equal rights for gays and lesbians. Specifically the right to marry, to have the same opportunitites that heterosexual couples have and misuse every single day.

Love is love is love is love.

Gay, straight, bisexual, transgendered, {insert the term that best describes you} makes absolutely no difference when it comes to the heart.

Love is blind. Love is unbiased. Love is without prejudice. Love is one size fits all.

As Americans it should be our goal to let go of the hate. We should be the first to step up and let the world know that there is no place in our world for prejudice. No place for hatred or inequality.

A huge thanks to Sinclair Sexsmith at Sugarbutch Chronicles for her amazing activism posts that I pass along to those who need to know and understand what we’re fighting for.

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