Nothing to say that hasn’t been said. Or written. Or set to music. So, this is where it is. This is where it will stay. I will never ever mention it again.

Email this post

When I first heard Joni Mitchell singing ‘Both Sides Now’ it was in the movie Love Actually. The entire movie was awesome, so awesome that I saw it several times in the theater then bought it on dvd because the movie just resonated with me.

I’m not the same person I was so long ago. I acknowledge my part in the failure of my first marriage. I can even look back on some of the moments we shared and admit that they weren’t all bad. The whole thing changed me and I’m glad that I had the opportunity to experience those moments.

At the same time, there are parts of me, of my soul, that haven’t changed. Things I believe in or feel strongly about that haven’t evolved or kept up with other parts of my soul. In those ways I feel like I haven’t matured and it saddens me.

I’ve looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It’s love’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say “I love you” right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I’ve looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I’ve changed
Well something’s lost, but something’s gained
In living every day

I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all
I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all

This is where I am. This is where I’m content to be.

Email this post

This woman who takes on the world
And picks up your shirts, keeps it together somehow
This same woman that melts with your touch
Wants you to feel what I’m feeling right now

(chorus)
‘Cause this woman needs
A safe place to land
The strength in your hands
To know you know
What this woman needs
Is somewhere to cry
So lay by my side
And I’ll tell you, I’ll tell you

This woman needs to be reassured
That my heart’s your home, and love is what wills you to stay I need you to see me in every light
And hear that you still think I’m beautiful anyway
(repeat chorus)

What this woman needs
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, what this woman needs
Is somewhere to cry
So lay by my side
And I’ll tell you , I’ll tell you

What this woman needs
Yeah, what this woman needs
Yeah, yeah, yeah
What this woman needs

Email this post

In her song titled “If I Could Turn Back Time” Cher sings about the past she shared with a lover who is long gone. There is a line that is so simple, so obvious that including it in the lyrics made the entire song “….words are like weapons, they wound sometimes…” Truer words have never been spoken.

I picked him up from work last night. Traffic was dreadful, but that’s to be expected on a Friday afternoon in Pittsburgh. I was fighting a migraine but in a good mood. I was glad the week was over for him, but the good mood was mostly because my day had gone so well.

I’ve scheduled two interviews for next week. One is a staff nurse position for a local school and the other is an office position to coordinate nursing schedules. The first one sounds amazing but I’ll have to wait and see. The second one sounds like something interesting, a change of pace. Things were looking up for me.

We checked the snail mail and found the normal array of circulars and coupons. He sorted through and handed me everything that was addressed to me. A loan offer. A letter indicating the my insurance was about to run out. Advertisements. A letter to me c/o him from my ex-husbands family. Shit.

He tried to get me to just mail it back unopened. I couldn’t do that. I knew this family well enough to know that I needed to read this, if for no other reason than to see how ridiculous they were being and be done with it. Sometimes we don’t always know the best course of action. Sometimes we should listen to those who love us.

I sobbed hysterically as I read it. They had kept a laundry list of my every sin since they’ve known me. I haven’t been perfect, so it was ok. I could handle it. Then they wrote that while I liked to pride myself on thinking that I had broken the cycle of abuse that went on in my family, I had not. That in fact, I was abusive to my own children repeatedly, that I had taken two beautiful gifts from God and destroyed them.

Fuck being hurt. I was angry. I was scared. I lashed out at my mother and I cried on his shoulder. How dare they! Who did they think they were?! I haven’t always been the perfect mother, but no one has. There is no such thing as perfect. Everything I have done, I have done in their best interest.

When I knew I was moving to Pittsburgh, I listened to my mother. She told me that even though my ex-husband was a bad spouse he loved the girls and to take them out of his life would be wrong. I agreed. I had divorced parents that hated one another and it killed my sister and I. I never wanted the girls to feel that way.

I expressed concern about it happening too fast and how would they handle it if I moved them to Pittsburgh then things fell apart. I didn’t want to be the kind of parent that paraded man after man in and out of her childrens lives. For three years I had avoided that, I had made sure that while they knew I was dating, they were never going to meet anyone who wasn’t going to be around for the long haul. They never met a single soul. My babies are precious to me and to be a part of their lives, to have their love is a privilege that someone would have to earn.

So I talked it over with my ex-husband. I told him that I knew he loved them and that they needed him. I explained where I was coming from. I cried because I wanted very much to have them with me all the time, just as they had been from birth. I didn’t want to miss the day to day things like homework and school parties. I wanted to be able to laugh and hug them every single day. But I wasn’t willing to risk breaking their hearts should things fall apart.

We agreed that they would go to school with him this year and that I would be the parent who got them every other weekend and on school breaks. I hated it, but I knew that I had to make sure that they were ok. We agreed to talk about next school year once we saw how things went. Their father loves them and though he isn’t as good with them as I am, he tries. He can’t help that his family didn’t show him how it was supposed to be done.

Their letter completely caught me off guard. It knocked the breath out of me. Immediately I made an appointment with an attorney. I knew that I needed to have someone in my corner, because it was going to get nasty. Instead of backing down like the scared little girl they think I still am, I’m going to meet them head on and make no mistake about it, I will win. Those are my babies, the loves of my life. There is not a single soul who will come between us- not now, not ever.

So you see, words *are* like weapons. They wound sometimes. The best you can hope for is to escape with a surface wound, one that requires a good cleaning and nothing else. The worst you can prepare for is a deep laceration that results in major blood loss and permanent scarring. I’m prepared for a deep laceration- bring it on.

Email this post

Lately nothing I do ever seems to please you
And maybe turning my back would be that much easier
Cause hurtful words are all that we exchange
But I can’t watch you walk away

Can I forget about the way it feels to touch you?
And all about the good times that we’ve been through
Could I wake up without you every day?
Would I let you walk away?

No, I can’t learn to live without
And I can’t give up on us now

[Chorus]
Oh, I know I could say we’re through
And tell myself I’m over you
But even if I made a vow
I promise not to miss you now
And try to hide the truth inside
I’d fail cause I, I just can’t live a lie

Could I forget the look that tells me that you want me?
And all the reasons that make loving you so easy
The kiss that always makes it hard to breathe
The way you know just what I mean

No, I can’t learn to live without
Ohh, so don’t you give up on us now

Ohh, I know I could say we’re through
And tell myself I’m over you
But even if I made a vow
I promise not to miss you now
And try to hide the truth inside
I’d fail cause I, I just can’t live a lie

Ohh, and I don’t wanna try

Oh, I know I could say we’re through
And tell myself I’m over you
But even if I made a vow
I promise not to miss you now
And try to hide the truth inside
I’d fail cause I, I just can’t live a lie

I just can’t live a lie

But even if I made a vow
I promise not to miss you now
And try to hide the truth inside
I’d fail cause I, I just can’t live a lie

Oh, I cant live a lie

Email this post