Courtesy of Sextoy.com

Since starting my site almost four years ago I have had the opportunity to partner with several different companies for reviews. As we move forward to what will hopefully be year five I have finally found a small number of reliable sources dedicated to bringing quality products to the consumer. The newest one is Sextoy.com.

The first item I will be reviewing is the Infrared Rechargeable Massager.

When it first arrived I couldn’t help but look at it in its clear plastic package and wonder what it was really used for. It came with three attachments which reminded me of something out of a bad sci-fi movie and I was more than a bit intimidated. Still, I know not to judge a book (or in this case, a sex toy!) by its cover, so I unwrapped it.

The head swiveled and I could see where the angle might be good for those hard to reach places. As a massager it really did offer a lot by way of bells and whistles. Sturdy construction, three unique attachments, swivel head, and infrared heat on the low setting. I plugged in the a/c adapter and waited the recommended twelve hours.

Once my twelve hours was up I took the infrared rechargeable massager to bed with me. Since it was marketed as a massager I used it as one. It felt great on my neck and shoulders, but massaging yourself is different than having someone else use it on you. So, I handed it to The Knight who proceeded to use it on my middle and lower back. I really liked the low setting with the infrared heat. It was a nice change of pace against my skin and seemed to help my muscles. All in all, it wasn’t bad.

Now, since this is a sex toy review, I knew I had to go down south with it. That is where the toy really disappointed me. If you have ever used a Hitachi wand and you’re thinking that this might be fun to compare, just forget about it. Not only did it begin to lose its charge within ten minutes of removing it from the a/c adapter, the vibrations were not intense enough to do more than tease my girly bits. {On the other hand, the intensity of the vibrations were just right for my husband and his man parts.}

If you’re looking for the best bang for your buck then I would suggest something else. If you’re looking to use this simply as a massage device for yourself and your partner then this is an affordable and efficient one to take a look at. Over all, it’s not the best product and it’s certainly not the worst product.

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So it’s the day before my birthday. A birthday they swore I would never see. Tomorrow I will be able to rejoice and celebrate the fact that I was one of the lucky ones who defied the odds. Oh, I know that I’m not out of the woods yet. If I would forget, the neatly lined prescription bottles on my desk would remind me that I have a long way to go. Still, to be here, to be alive when they said I wouldn’t be…it’s just amazing.

As part of my new plan for living out loud, tomorrow is the day that I will officially begin Weight Watchers. I’ve dusted off my treadmill(a gift from Mama who was no longer using it), found my Nikes, and asked The Knight for a great pedometer. My refrigerator is full of frozen vegetables, low-fat milk and yogurt and the all important water bottle. Though I have tried to Weight Watchers before, it’s different this time. Back then it was just about losing weight. This time around it’s about changing my lifestyle and my relationship with food. (And I found the coolest journal to use while I am doing this. Catalina told me that writing things down really helped her in her weight loss journey, so I am taking my friends advice and giving it a go!)

Since I am making 2009 the year that I become a better version of myself, I am also attending Sex 2.0 in Washington, DC in May. With great speakers and great bloggers in attendance I can’t imagine a better way to mix and meet and find out how I can do more by way of activism. I feel that after four years of blogging it’s time to do more with my site than offer a peek into my own life and give readers reviews. While I admit that some of the things will be easier to do in a larger city, I’m hoping to find ways to help and spread the word here in Pittsburgh and I can’t think of a better way to get started than by spending time with people like Audacia Ray and Elizabeth Wood. I look forward to seeing everyone there, so be sure to register. {If you can’t attend but you’d like to show your support you can do so here.}

If you’re making 2009 your own year of self-discovery through weight loss, activism or even through writing (I’m determined that this is the year I see my writing published), drop me a line. I’d love to hear more about your plans and your goals. Maybe we can offer one another support along the way.

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Just a bit of fun on this cloudy Pittsburgh day. If you follow the link and do one of your own, please be sure to leave a comment or link back so I can see yours.

Get your twitter mosaic here.

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It seems that I am sleeping a lot more than usual lately. The doctors tell me it’s a good thing, to go ahead and sleep as much as I can because my body needs the rest. One trip up the stairs and I am completely knackered, in a hurry to slide beneath the blankets and slip into his arms.

But there are other things that I want; other things that leave me breathless and yearning.

I long to feel his hands tangled in my hair as he holds my head to his crotch. I ache to gag and cough from taking his cock too deep into my mouth. I want to be held in place and have my mouth filled to overflowing with his sweet and sticky essence.

In my heart of hearts I want to shrug off the love. Instead, I want to find my wrists and ankles bound with rope. I want to tug and struggle while knowing all along that there will be no escape until he says so. I want to cry and let go. I want to lose myself in the man who wields the flogger.

Right now I am tired of holding it all together. I am tired of being in control. I’m fed up with the passing hint of passion. I want full on desire and lust.

I want to skip a dose or two of pain medicine so I can feel the full effect of his hands against my skin. I want to be present and I want to be on fire. I want to kneel and serve and be completely at someone elses mercy.

And in the morning, I want to trace the black and blue marks with my fingertips. I want to walk gently because my fat ass has been used well. I want to close my eyes and remember every second of torture and torment; every second of exquisite ecstasy.

I just want to be me.

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What? Sex 2.0
When? Saturday, May 9 2009
Where? Washington, D.C.

If you are part of the sex blogging CommUNITY at all, then you have already heard about, read about, or written about Sex 2.0. I didn’t hear about it last year, but once I saw Match’s Tweet about it, I needed to know more.

I read about the event in 2008 and knew immediately that I wanted to attend, no matter what. Then as I read a little more I knew I *really* wanted to attend but as I am not a conventional sex blogger, I worried that the fit might not be right. And their session topics? As much as I’d like to think that I’m evolved and educated, the truth is, not so much. I mean seriously, fat chick like me at an event with people like Audacia Ray, Catalina, and Ellie Lumpesse? Yeah right. So I put it on my back burner.

Time passed and more updates came. I mulled it over, subscribed to the Google group and let it settle in for a few days. I did an intro and expressed that I had no real experiences, so even if I attended it would be as an observer, not as someone who actually had something to say.

I registered for Sex 2.0 mere minutes ago. I reserved two tickets, one for The Knight and one for myself. Whether I have anything to say or anything of value to add, this is an event that I want to attend. I want to hear what the fabulously evolved and educated individuals have to say. I want to walk away knowing that I learned something new, something that I can carry into the rest of my life and apply that knowledge accordingly and (hopefully) for the greater good.

Some of the people you will find at Sex 2.o 2009

• Audacia Ray
• CARAS
• Cunning Minx
• Elizabeth Wood
• Ellie Lumpesse
• Erik Van Riper
• Match
• Melissa Gira
• Nikol Hasler
• NoVaHedonist
• Renegade Evolution
• Sabrina Morgan
• Viviane

So won’t you take the time and spend the weekend in with me in Washington D.C.? (Not for me, but for all the people listed above!)

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Ever the optimist, I am holding out hope. I am trying to see the silver lining around they grey clouds. This will be the year for me…

To go into remission.

To find myself.

To come into my own.

To keep on chasing pavements?

I guess only time will tell.

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It’s the usual way of things, I suppose. You find a rhythm, you settle in. You plan your days around it, you look forward to what each new one holds and you’re unwilling to let it change, no matter what.

When The Knight told me he was going to ask for time off, I was against it. I truly believed in my heart that all we would do while he was home was argue and fight and I couldn’t handle that. I didn’t want or need any stress in my life and I absolutely didn’t want to fight with the man I loved.

Still, being the dominant man that he is, he did it his way. He made the arrangements that I never thought he’d make. He reworked the schedule and arranged a telecommute. For the love of all that was holy, he was going through with it!

As much as it shocked me, it worked out well. We got into a routine. He wanted to care for me, to show me that I was a priority. When the realization hit me, I let go and let him. After all, how many women would give their right arm for a husband like mine?

Letting go was the best decision ever…for both of us.

I got the rest I needed. I was able to nap and conserve my energies, able to focus them on healing. He got the satisfaction he needed by seeing that he could care for me. As good as it was for me, I think it was better for him.

But those times are over.

He’s on vacation for the rest of 2008 then it’s back to work. I know it has to be done. With only him working as it is, times are tough. And really, I’m better for the love and care he has given to me. I feel more rested and better able to fight.

But I’ll miss him being here. I’ll miss our fits of laughter. I’ll miss our naps and our afternoon lovemaking while the rest of the world rushes by outside our door.

I’ll miss the safety and security that came from having him so close at hand, but I guess all good things must come to an end.

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Outside the snow had started to fall. The temperature had dropped and the house was finally silent. We had laughed and teased one another all day long, but it was late when we climbed the stairs and slipped between the sheets.

His arms pulled me close and held me tight. He whispered words of love and adoration, stopping in between sentences to kiss me and brush the hair out of my eyes. I sank into the mattress and into him, losing myself in the scent of his skin and the taste of his lips.

Without thought my hand slipped beneath the comforter and found his rock hard cock. I moved the linens away, leaving him exposed to the warm bedroom air as I stroked and teased the length of him. Barely a touch, never a grab to start him off.

“Kiss my mouth while you stroke me” he commanded.

He licked the palm of my hand and moved me back to his cock, past his gently rounded abdomen, then pulled me closer to him. My saliva slickened palm rubbed the head of his cock in slippery circles while I teased his mouth with tender kisses. Only a moment or two had passed when he whispered against my mouth, his tongue intermittently tangling with mine.

“God I want to fuck you!”

I kissed him a little more, pretending not to hear him. I moved my tongue to my palm and licked it, making sure to keep it moist while I teased and tantalized him. Only when he’s hard and wanting, yearning for release, do I feel sexy and seductive. I longed for the feeling, so I teased him a bit more before relenting.

“I want you in me” I muttered against his skin on my way to my hands and knees.

Seconds later he slid in, damp and sticky from our saliva. I moved against him, all but begging. I think I whimpered about loving the feel of him inside of me, about missing making love with him.

“I love you” he whispered gently.

His hands roamed my back and his nails left trails across my buttocks. He grabbed on tight and thrust, almost as if he couldn’t be deep enough.

That was all it took to send me over the edge. A good stiff cock and three little words and suddenly I was coming like there was no tomorrow. I struggled to breathe and wipe away the tears, thankful for the release but more thankful for the tenderness he’d shown.

{A side note-
I will be doing more toy reviews after the holidays. I hope to be feeling better by then and I hope to have more time. Things are crazy hectic right now, which I’m sure you all can understand.}

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I’m sorry that I have been so silent. I apologize for being so out of touch. Right now real life doesn’t afford me the opportunity to write.

I’ve been sad and lonely. I’m feeling more than a little introspective, completely wrapped up in myself. Well, not completely but I might as well be.

My Grandmother has been placed in a nursing home. She was admitted directly from the hospital on Monday and it breaks my heart. She isn’t reeady for it and I don’t think she will fare well there.

I feel as if I have let my family down. When I became a nurse I promised I would care for my family. I swore to do it so they would never have to turn to a nursing home and I have let them down. It breaks my heart in ways that you can’t possibly imagine.

Add to it the fact that The Knight and I are…at odds…and it makes for a very difficult place to be. I know we love one another. I know that we’re good together. I just don’t know that he’s happy and that tears me apart. Even if it means not being married to me, I want him to be happy, to love his life.

So there you have it. I’m feeling lonely. Alone. Unloved. And most assuredly, uninspired.

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I can’t tell you how blessed I am. Just know that I understand it and I know it. In my heart of hearts, deep in my soul, I know that I am so very blessed.

So, to all of my friends in the CommUNITY, thank you.

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