I walked into the local Weight Watchers with my mother and sister in tow. Along with the Life. Love. Cancer. website, having my mother and sister join me was part of my birthday present. I know that all sorts of nasty things lurk in our medical history and I knew too that I couldn’t do it by myself, so what better way to kill two birds with one stone? Oh how my stomach rolled as we waited our turn to register. I knew what the scale would say and I knew what a hellish road this would be.

We registered and waited for the meeting to be over so we could attend the Getting Started portion of the sign-up. The leader was nice enough but I knew right then and there that she wasn’t someone I could listen to. The woman had joined Weight Watchers to lose 25lbs over thirty years ago! There was no way in the world she could relate to someone like me who had over a hundred pounds to lose! Still, I listened and I took it all in.

In addition to the meetings I am also tracking my progress on-line. So far the message boards are awesome! I think they will make a huge difference.

As far as progoress…

I think I am okay. My birthday was on 03/19, the same day I registered, but I officially started on 03/20. That same Friday I found myself feeling dreadful. As my luck would have it, I ended up with yet another sinus infection AND another bout of pneumonia. So more trips to the physician, more antibiotics and more days under the radar. All I wanted to do was sleep!

Still, I managed to drink my water. I ate and recorded. Then I was ill and starving and I wasn’t at all sure how to account for throwing up in my journal. I mean, I didn’t eat anything else because I didn’t want to blow my points but seriously, I was starving! Saturday and Sunday led to all day sleeping for me. I woke after 8pm and ate a full meal on both occasions and since I was too lazy to really tally up the points I just put down the max number for the days and marked twenty more off my weekly extras.

I can’t believe that I’ve kept up with the water. I don’t like it and I know there are other options but this seems a good habit to get into. I’m hoping that it will pay off in the end when I attend my first weigh-in on Thursday.

What else…

Oh yes. This whole being thirty-two thing is quite grand! I find that I am so excited by the fact that I am a whole bona fide thirty-two that not much can get me down. Seriously, I have twice reached my expected date of expiration and I have a feeling once I get this eating and exercising thing down pat I will find remission close at hand. I have far too much to live for, too many things to do before I die.

The Other Mother and I are doing well. I wish we could chat more, but with both of us leading full lives, it’s challenging. I’ve opened up to her a bit more and I have found it to be quite a good thing. She’s not using it against me, but rather she is understanding. I must say she has great taste in birthday gifts! I am so glad that we have reached this place. It is my hope that as time goes by our alliance is only strengthened.

The Knight and I are who we are. We have talked a lot lately and sorted out some things. I don’t think any marriage is without trials and tribulations. For now I am cutting both of us a little more slack because, truth be told, we’re run ragged. It’s hard to be anything other than exhausted when you’re run ragged.

I like the person that I’m becoming. Oh it’s still me. I’m not likely to change at the core of who I am but the core never was the problem. So with a few pounds shed and a load lighter in spirit, I’m living life out loud with no fear.

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So it’s the day before my birthday. A birthday they swore I would never see. Tomorrow I will be able to rejoice and celebrate the fact that I was one of the lucky ones who defied the odds. Oh, I know that I’m not out of the woods yet. If I would forget, the neatly lined prescription bottles on my desk would remind me that I have a long way to go. Still, to be here, to be alive when they said I wouldn’t be…it’s just amazing.

As part of my new plan for living out loud, tomorrow is the day that I will officially begin Weight Watchers. I’ve dusted off my treadmill(a gift from Mama who was no longer using it), found my Nikes, and asked The Knight for a great pedometer. My refrigerator is full of frozen vegetables, low-fat milk and yogurt and the all important water bottle. Though I have tried to Weight Watchers before, it’s different this time. Back then it was just about losing weight. This time around it’s about changing my lifestyle and my relationship with food. (And I found the coolest journal to use while I am doing this. Catalina told me that writing things down really helped her in her weight loss journey, so I am taking my friends advice and giving it a go!)

Since I am making 2009 the year that I become a better version of myself, I am also attending Sex 2.0 in Washington, DC in May. With great speakers and great bloggers in attendance I can’t imagine a better way to mix and meet and find out how I can do more by way of activism. I feel that after four years of blogging it’s time to do more with my site than offer a peek into my own life and give readers reviews. While I admit that some of the things will be easier to do in a larger city, I’m hoping to find ways to help and spread the word here in Pittsburgh and I can’t think of a better way to get started than by spending time with people like Audacia Ray and Elizabeth Wood. I look forward to seeing everyone there, so be sure to register. {If you can’t attend but you’d like to show your support you can do so here.}

If you’re making 2009 your own year of self-discovery through weight loss, activism or even through writing (I’m determined that this is the year I see my writing published), drop me a line. I’d love to hear more about your plans and your goals. Maybe we can offer one another support along the way.

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Please join me in celebrating a wonderful new home for Life. Love. Cancer! After months of thinking about it and wondering which direction to go with it, Life. Love. Cancer. will now have its own dot com.

We’re still working on it, tweaking and perfecting bits and pieces but so far, it’s a go. Not only will the articles have a place to live that is safe for work (and sharing among friends and family!) we will also be carving out a place for all things related. From news about the latest cancer research and technologies to relationship advice, Life. Love. Cancer. will cover it all.(For those who have asked for a place to share your thoughts on childhood abuse, we’ve included that too! As survivors, a place to gather and celebrate will be a wonderful addition.)

Thanks to everyone who made it possible. All the late night chats, last minute design tips, and pep talks really have paid off. Please be sure to join us and let us know what you think**.

**If you’re interested in contributing to Life. Love. Cancer please email us at [email protected]

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Somewhere in the house there are other people; people with voices and thoughts and feelings but I can’t be bothered with them. Not now. Not today.

The headache is raging out of control. I wish for relief and find little in a small white pill placed on my tongue and swallowed down with Mountain Dew. Maybe if I could silence the voice, the internal commentary that runs on endlessly. Maybe then I could relax and free myself from hellish pain. No migraine ever hurt as bad as this.

This week it seems that I’ve barely been hanging on or hanging in. Sick kids, The Knight working from home and on almost constant teleconferences (yes, he extended his work from home time and it is a mixed blessing) and my father having surgery. Add the news that my aunt is terminal, my grandmother is worse, and the monthly heating bill was astronomical and one can see why I might be a wee bit stressed.

Only in the middle of the night does it seem I may find relief. The day’s over and the house falls silent. Only the sound of the T passing outside the door can be heard. I snuggle beneath the comforter and lose myself in his arms, content for a moment to be as close as two people can be.

The pain medicine begins to work just as his mouth finds mine. His fingertips stroke my skin, inviting a response. My mouth opens and soon my thighs follow. For a moment I am hopeful, thinking that maybe tonight is the night that it will happen the way I wish it would; without prompting or begging and without a fight.

He moves and positions us both, his hips against my bottom. His cock is hard and I know that once more he is ready while I am only just getting started. I sigh as he enters me, as he barely notices the fact that I’m not wet. I close my eyes and focus on the image in my mind, think of a time and place where sex was good and fulfilling.

He finishes with a low sigh and a squeeze of my buttocks. He presses his lips to the small of my back and whispers his love. With a smile and a “Love you, too” I slide out of bed as he slides back into his boxers.

In the bathroom, in the dark I find what I want and what I need. I empty myself, cleanse myself of his come, and I silently begin to cry. Finally I can breathe; at long last my world- my mind -is quiet.

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I’m very disheartened right now. I’m trying hard not to whine and moan and rant about how unfair life is. I am not going to handle it that way. I’m determined.

I received a call about a half an hour ago from the oncologist. It looks as if  the second phase of the clinical trial has been postponed for at least two weeks. So, here we are, once more in a holding pattern with the treatments. The same thing happened last time, so I shouldn’t be surprised. Still, I can’t help but be somewhat disappointed.

And scared.

What if the time without the medication has afforded the cancer an opportunity to spread? And what about the seizures that have returned? How am I supposed to handle those for two more weeks without anti-seizure meds? We’re handling them for now but there are too many unknowns to be comfortable with it.

:::deep breath:::

This is only a minor bump in the road. A small hiccup. Two weeks isn’t very long and I’m sure that things will be fine. I just need to continue to control my thoughts and my reactions to the change of plans.

And so it goes…

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Ever the optimist, I am holding out hope. I am trying to see the silver lining around they grey clouds. This will be the year for me…

To go into remission.

To find myself.

To come into my own.

To keep on chasing pavements?

I guess only time will tell.

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I’m sorry that I have been so silent. I apologize for being so out of touch. Right now real life doesn’t afford me the opportunity to write.

I’ve been sad and lonely. I’m feeling more than a little introspective, completely wrapped up in myself. Well, not completely but I might as well be.

My Grandmother has been placed in a nursing home. She was admitted directly from the hospital on Monday and it breaks my heart. She isn’t reeady for it and I don’t think she will fare well there.

I feel as if I have let my family down. When I became a nurse I promised I would care for my family. I swore to do it so they would never have to turn to a nursing home and I have let them down. It breaks my heart in ways that you can’t possibly imagine.

Add to it the fact that The Knight and I are…at odds…and it makes for a very difficult place to be. I know we love one another. I know that we’re good together. I just don’t know that he’s happy and that tears me apart. Even if it means not being married to me, I want him to be happy, to love his life.

So there you have it. I’m feeling lonely. Alone. Unloved. And most assuredly, uninspired.

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Election Day is right around the corner. Everyone is excited and more passionate than I ever remember from any other election. And rightfully so. The state of our union is undeniably sad. We’re looking for solutions to the problems, we’re looking for hope to get us through when nothing else can.

My hope lies with Barack Obama.

As i get older and as I face this bastard that is cancer, I no longer feel the need to be something I’m not. I no longer feel the need to be “politically correct” or agree with those who are my friends and family simply because they are part of my life.

One of the things that I have started to become outspoken about are equal rights for gays and lesbians. Specifically the right to marry, to have the same opportunitites that heterosexual couples have and misuse every single day.

Love is love is love is love.

Gay, straight, bisexual, transgendered, {insert the term that best describes you} makes absolutely no difference when it comes to the heart.

Love is blind. Love is unbiased. Love is without prejudice. Love is one size fits all.

As Americans it should be our goal to let go of the hate. We should be the first to step up and let the world know that there is no place in our world for prejudice. No place for hatred or inequality.

A huge thanks to Sinclair Sexsmith at Sugarbutch Chronicles for her amazing activism posts that I pass along to those who need to know and understand what we’re fighting for.

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I don’t like to whine or complain. I don’t like to show the world my weaknesses. Most days even my husband is unaware of how I am really feeling.

Other days I just want to cry. My head hurts. My body aches. I can hardly move from one room to the other at more than a snails pace because my joints are incredibly inflamed. I hate to whine but this is my site, my place. I refuse to drop this in my husbands lap or cry on my mothers shoulder.

So here I am.

Whining.

In addition to everything else, I have developed this awful red rash on my face along with a low-grade fever. It’s almost like I’ve been in the sun too long and ended up with a sun burn but it’s splotchy. I look like hell.

Ugh.

I hate me when I whine.

So let me say something positive. Maybe it will balance out the negative energy floating around. Something positive…something positive….something positive.

Hmm…

I’ve got it!

We made love tonight. Very hot, very me focused love complete with The Knight using his magic fingers on my girl parts. You know it’s good when you break a sweat. And I did.

So there.

Whining…and something good.

(Have a laugh on me…you deserve it for sticking with me!)

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Since so many people have asked for a safe for work (SFW) version of the Life. Love. Cancer. series, we’ve made it happen. Please don’t hesitate to spread the word. Share it with your family and your friends. Just follow the link below or copy and paste it into an email.

Life. Love. Cancer.

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