I walked into the local Weight Watchers with my mother and sister in tow. Along with the Life. Love. Cancer. website, having my mother and sister join me was part of my birthday present. I know that all sorts of nasty things lurk in our medical history and I knew too that I couldn’t do it by myself, so what better way to kill two birds with one stone? Oh how my stomach rolled as we waited our turn to register. I knew what the scale would say and I knew what a hellish road this would be.

We registered and waited for the meeting to be over so we could attend the Getting Started portion of the sign-up. The leader was nice enough but I knew right then and there that she wasn’t someone I could listen to. The woman had joined Weight Watchers to lose 25lbs over thirty years ago! There was no way in the world she could relate to someone like me who had over a hundred pounds to lose! Still, I listened and I took it all in.

In addition to the meetings I am also tracking my progress on-line. So far the message boards are awesome! I think they will make a huge difference.

As far as progoress…

I think I am okay. My birthday was on 03/19, the same day I registered, but I officially started on 03/20. That same Friday I found myself feeling dreadful. As my luck would have it, I ended up with yet another sinus infection AND another bout of pneumonia. So more trips to the physician, more antibiotics and more days under the radar. All I wanted to do was sleep!

Still, I managed to drink my water. I ate and recorded. Then I was ill and starving and I wasn’t at all sure how to account for throwing up in my journal. I mean, I didn’t eat anything else because I didn’t want to blow my points but seriously, I was starving! Saturday and Sunday led to all day sleeping for me. I woke after 8pm and ate a full meal on both occasions and since I was too lazy to really tally up the points I just put down the max number for the days and marked twenty more off my weekly extras.

I can’t believe that I’ve kept up with the water. I don’t like it and I know there are other options but this seems a good habit to get into. I’m hoping that it will pay off in the end when I attend my first weigh-in on Thursday.

What else…

Oh yes. This whole being thirty-two thing is quite grand! I find that I am so excited by the fact that I am a whole bona fide thirty-two that not much can get me down. Seriously, I have twice reached my expected date of expiration and I have a feeling once I get this eating and exercising thing down pat I will find remission close at hand. I have far too much to live for, too many things to do before I die.

The Other Mother and I are doing well. I wish we could chat more, but with both of us leading full lives, it’s challenging. I’ve opened up to her a bit more and I have found it to be quite a good thing. She’s not using it against me, but rather she is understanding. I must say she has great taste in birthday gifts! I am so glad that we have reached this place. It is my hope that as time goes by our alliance is only strengthened.

The Knight and I are who we are. We have talked a lot lately and sorted out some things. I don’t think any marriage is without trials and tribulations. For now I am cutting both of us a little more slack because, truth be told, we’re run ragged. It’s hard to be anything other than exhausted when you’re run ragged.

I like the person that I’m becoming. Oh it’s still me. I’m not likely to change at the core of who I am but the core never was the problem. So with a few pounds shed and a load lighter in spirit, I’m living life out loud with no fear.

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For too long it’s been missing. For too long it’s been ignored. The dance of avoidance was well-practiced until it was almost an art form.

Then in one evening, with one conversation, it was there once more.

Desire.

My heart raced and my body began to respond as his hands caressed my skin. I sighed and arched my back, careful to press my body closer to his hand. In porn movies the women always purred or moaned but all I could do was sigh and arch closer. This was no porn movie.

I reached out to touch him. My fingers traced a trail from his hairless chest to his navel. He sighed and moaned then followed my movements and arched his back.

It crossed my mind to lick and kiss my way down his body. With a smile and a sigh I kissed his mouth then dropped to follow the trail my fingers had traced. His skin was salty and sweet and though I’m sure I imagined it, he tasted of arousal.

His hands found my body once more and I was certain I’d explode. We explored one another intimately and thoroughly, afraid that what we found that night would disappear come Monday morning. As his hands moved me into position for his entry I marveled at my own arousal. Despite the pain medicine and chemo, I was wet and ready for him.

It felt like we were joined for an eternity. He entered me slowly and took his time, sensually stroking my swollen lips and throbbing clit. He paused to lick my bottom then impaled me with his cock once more.

We came together and it seemed to go on endlessly in the most delicious way. Tears clouded my vision and my mouth was dry. When it was over my muscles ached and my body was shaking.

I loved once more knowing just how awesome it is to experience desire.

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It seems that I am sleeping a lot more than usual lately. The doctors tell me it’s a good thing, to go ahead and sleep as much as I can because my body needs the rest. One trip up the stairs and I am completely knackered, in a hurry to slide beneath the blankets and slip into his arms.

But there are other things that I want; other things that leave me breathless and yearning.

I long to feel his hands tangled in my hair as he holds my head to his crotch. I ache to gag and cough from taking his cock too deep into my mouth. I want to be held in place and have my mouth filled to overflowing with his sweet and sticky essence.

In my heart of hearts I want to shrug off the love. Instead, I want to find my wrists and ankles bound with rope. I want to tug and struggle while knowing all along that there will be no escape until he says so. I want to cry and let go. I want to lose myself in the man who wields the flogger.

Right now I am tired of holding it all together. I am tired of being in control. I’m fed up with the passing hint of passion. I want full on desire and lust.

I want to skip a dose or two of pain medicine so I can feel the full effect of his hands against my skin. I want to be present and I want to be on fire. I want to kneel and serve and be completely at someone elses mercy.

And in the morning, I want to trace the black and blue marks with my fingertips. I want to walk gently because my fat ass has been used well. I want to close my eyes and remember every second of torture and torment; every second of exquisite ecstasy.

I just want to be me.

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I don’t think I knew the proper way to give a man oral pleasure until him. With his hand wrapped around mine to show me the proper rhythm and a steady stream of whispered instructions my face burned. For as long as I could remember I was told how well I did when it came to fellatio. Now I was being told that there was room for improvement.

I wanted to please him, so I kept silent. I listened to what he said and struggled to get it right. Less friction. Mind the sac. Smooth and fluid motions, girl. That’s it. Like that.

My head filled with thoughts of leaving him hanging. I mean, how dare he tell me how to improve? Then I realized that I was being given an awesome opportunity. I knew we wouldn’t last. I knew that this would not be the last blowjob ever, so why not look at the whole thing as sort of a blowjob boot camp?

The weekend continued on and I soaked his wisdom up like a thirsty sponge. I practiced and pondered. I experimented and exalted. And when the weekend was over, I walked away knowing that the weekend had been a waste of time in every other way, but at least I walked away with knowledge that most women miss out on.

To this day I remember every second of that weekend with him. Every single time I lay between The Knights thighs and touch my tongue to the tip of his cock, I remember what I was taught. When I have teased and tortured just enough to make him squirm and thrust his hips upward in an effort to finish deep within my throat, I remember.

Then I swallow every single drop. Just like I was taught.

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Please join me in celebrating a wonderful new home for Life. Love. Cancer! After months of thinking about it and wondering which direction to go with it, Life. Love. Cancer. will now have its own dot com.

We’re still working on it, tweaking and perfecting bits and pieces but so far, it’s a go. Not only will the articles have a place to live that is safe for work (and sharing among friends and family!) we will also be carving out a place for all things related. From news about the latest cancer research and technologies to relationship advice, Life. Love. Cancer. will cover it all.(For those who have asked for a place to share your thoughts on childhood abuse, we’ve included that too! As survivors, a place to gather and celebrate will be a wonderful addition.)

Thanks to everyone who made it possible. All the late night chats, last minute design tips, and pep talks really have paid off. Please be sure to join us and let us know what you think**.

**If you’re interested in contributing to Life. Love. Cancer please email us at [email protected]

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Not too long ago I was at my local Barnes & Noble looking for ways to pass time. I’d received a couple gift cards from people who know what a bibliophile I am and I couldn’t wait to use them. In the section where I always find the most lovely journals, I found a write-in book titled Love Listography by Lisa Nolan. As a way to keep myself busy and you (the reader) entertained, I won’t fill it out. Instead, I will post my answers here.

List The People You’ve Kissed

• Jason K.
• Jason L.
• Jamie T.
• Jamie S.
• Tarius
• Eric G.
• Conte
• Matt S.
• Eric W.
• Rodney B.
• Rodney P.
• Anthony
• Brian G.
• Beckie
• Christie
• Holly
• Jenn
• David B.
• Dawn
• Kurt
• Amy
• Brad
• Travers
• Brian B.
• The Knight

{It seems as if I have kissed more than my fair share of people and I’m not sure how I feel about it. Actually, it kind of makes me feel cheap and sleazy. Still, in an effort to be more open, to find out more about myself and where I have been, I think this is going to be a good thing to continue.}

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Somewhere in the house there are other people; people with voices and thoughts and feelings but I can’t be bothered with them. Not now. Not today.

The headache is raging out of control. I wish for relief and find little in a small white pill placed on my tongue and swallowed down with Mountain Dew. Maybe if I could silence the voice, the internal commentary that runs on endlessly. Maybe then I could relax and free myself from hellish pain. No migraine ever hurt as bad as this.

This week it seems that I’ve barely been hanging on or hanging in. Sick kids, The Knight working from home and on almost constant teleconferences (yes, he extended his work from home time and it is a mixed blessing) and my father having surgery. Add the news that my aunt is terminal, my grandmother is worse, and the monthly heating bill was astronomical and one can see why I might be a wee bit stressed.

Only in the middle of the night does it seem I may find relief. The day’s over and the house falls silent. Only the sound of the T passing outside the door can be heard. I snuggle beneath the comforter and lose myself in his arms, content for a moment to be as close as two people can be.

The pain medicine begins to work just as his mouth finds mine. His fingertips stroke my skin, inviting a response. My mouth opens and soon my thighs follow. For a moment I am hopeful, thinking that maybe tonight is the night that it will happen the way I wish it would; without prompting or begging and without a fight.

He moves and positions us both, his hips against my bottom. His cock is hard and I know that once more he is ready while I am only just getting started. I sigh as he enters me, as he barely notices the fact that I’m not wet. I close my eyes and focus on the image in my mind, think of a time and place where sex was good and fulfilling.

He finishes with a low sigh and a squeeze of my buttocks. He presses his lips to the small of my back and whispers his love. With a smile and a “Love you, too” I slide out of bed as he slides back into his boxers.

In the bathroom, in the dark I find what I want and what I need. I empty myself, cleanse myself of his come, and I silently begin to cry. Finally I can breathe; at long last my world- my mind -is quiet.

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Ever the optimist, I am holding out hope. I am trying to see the silver lining around they grey clouds. This will be the year for me…

To go into remission.

To find myself.

To come into my own.

To keep on chasing pavements?

I guess only time will tell.

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It’s the usual way of things, I suppose. You find a rhythm, you settle in. You plan your days around it, you look forward to what each new one holds and you’re unwilling to let it change, no matter what.

When The Knight told me he was going to ask for time off, I was against it. I truly believed in my heart that all we would do while he was home was argue and fight and I couldn’t handle that. I didn’t want or need any stress in my life and I absolutely didn’t want to fight with the man I loved.

Still, being the dominant man that he is, he did it his way. He made the arrangements that I never thought he’d make. He reworked the schedule and arranged a telecommute. For the love of all that was holy, he was going through with it!

As much as it shocked me, it worked out well. We got into a routine. He wanted to care for me, to show me that I was a priority. When the realization hit me, I let go and let him. After all, how many women would give their right arm for a husband like mine?

Letting go was the best decision ever…for both of us.

I got the rest I needed. I was able to nap and conserve my energies, able to focus them on healing. He got the satisfaction he needed by seeing that he could care for me. As good as it was for me, I think it was better for him.

But those times are over.

He’s on vacation for the rest of 2008 then it’s back to work. I know it has to be done. With only him working as it is, times are tough. And really, I’m better for the love and care he has given to me. I feel more rested and better able to fight.

But I’ll miss him being here. I’ll miss our fits of laughter. I’ll miss our naps and our afternoon lovemaking while the rest of the world rushes by outside our door.

I’ll miss the safety and security that came from having him so close at hand, but I guess all good things must come to an end.

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Outside the snow had started to fall. The temperature had dropped and the house was finally silent. We had laughed and teased one another all day long, but it was late when we climbed the stairs and slipped between the sheets.

His arms pulled me close and held me tight. He whispered words of love and adoration, stopping in between sentences to kiss me and brush the hair out of my eyes. I sank into the mattress and into him, losing myself in the scent of his skin and the taste of his lips.

Without thought my hand slipped beneath the comforter and found his rock hard cock. I moved the linens away, leaving him exposed to the warm bedroom air as I stroked and teased the length of him. Barely a touch, never a grab to start him off.

“Kiss my mouth while you stroke me” he commanded.

He licked the palm of my hand and moved me back to his cock, past his gently rounded abdomen, then pulled me closer to him. My saliva slickened palm rubbed the head of his cock in slippery circles while I teased his mouth with tender kisses. Only a moment or two had passed when he whispered against my mouth, his tongue intermittently tangling with mine.

“God I want to fuck you!”

I kissed him a little more, pretending not to hear him. I moved my tongue to my palm and licked it, making sure to keep it moist while I teased and tantalized him. Only when he’s hard and wanting, yearning for release, do I feel sexy and seductive. I longed for the feeling, so I teased him a bit more before relenting.

“I want you in me” I muttered against his skin on my way to my hands and knees.

Seconds later he slid in, damp and sticky from our saliva. I moved against him, all but begging. I think I whimpered about loving the feel of him inside of me, about missing making love with him.

“I love you” he whispered gently.

His hands roamed my back and his nails left trails across my buttocks. He grabbed on tight and thrust, almost as if he couldn’t be deep enough.

That was all it took to send me over the edge. A good stiff cock and three little words and suddenly I was coming like there was no tomorrow. I struggled to breathe and wipe away the tears, thankful for the release but more thankful for the tenderness he’d shown.

{A side note-
I will be doing more toy reviews after the holidays. I hope to be feeling better by then and I hope to have more time. Things are crazy hectic right now, which I’m sure you all can understand.}

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