Patience

I have absolutely none. Handing over control to The Knight and to God are huge deals because I want what I want when I want it. I don’t want to wait for things to change. I don’t want to wait for miracles to happen. If I can steer the car it will go in the direction I want as fast as I want.

The joke is on me. I was wrong. That’s not the way life works. Especially not when it comes to God or D/s relationships.

Thanks to cancer and The Knight I’m learning the lesson. Slowly. Painfully. Step by precious baby step. Still, I’m learning. That’s the important thing, right?

So here I am.

Sitting.

Waiting.

Hoping.

Learning patience.

I Am Loved

I haven’t been myself. For the last two days I’ve been a soggy, sobbing mess. I watch the sunlight dancing off my wedding rings and it simply starts the tears all over again. My favorite place has become our bed buried beneath the comfort he bought for me when he thought he would be spending loads of time at my old apartment. That was the weekend he begged me to move in with him because he couldn’t stand the thought of being without me.

The tears stop for seconds at a time and I’m excited because I think that maybe this one will be the moment that I pull myself up and get back to being me. Then I’m reminded of all the things we planned to do together someday and there I go again. He’s touched my skin and made me feel so alive only to have to gather me in his arms and hold me like the child I feel like. And thinking about children just starts it all again. Round and round we go, where we stop nobody knows.

Mama showed up today to see me. I was so excited to see her, thrilled that she was here after not seeing her for what seemed like forever. I’m not the lying type, so I told her straight up what the doctor said. I have to give her credit for taking it well, but I know it was an act for my sake and that made my heart ache just a little more than it did before. For all the problems we’ve had and all the bumps in the road of life that we have shared I think we do pretty well. Today I think I finally told her so.

I talked to my girls today. I was so happy to hear their sweet voices in my ear. All I wanted to do was reach right through the phone and pull them to me. I wanted to hold them and laugh with them. I wanted to tell them all the secrets I have learned about love and life so that they know how to handle it when their turn comes. Mostly I wanted to tell them everything I possibly could because I am so desperately afraid that I won’t be here to tell them when the time is right. A million memories flashed through my mind and I knew that in a million years I could never love them as much as I did at that very second.

In a moment of desperation I decided to put together a compilation of songs for the girls. A soundtrack for my life if my life had been a movie. Songs that have touched me somewhere deep inside, songs that have gotten me through. When it’s finished I’ll add it somewhere to my sidebar and keep adding to it until I no longer can.

In all my self-pity and embarrassing lack of strength it hit me out of nowhere that I truly have a lot to be thankful for. My babies are beautiful and healthy, even somewhat well-adjusted despite having divorced parents. I know it will be hell missing all the moments of their lives, but they’re going to be alright. The guys are growing into decent young men and I like knowing that I’ve contributed something to that, something that won’t ever go away, even if I do. My parents and my sister will all be ok. They have spirit and faith to get them through and they have my girls to keep them on track.

Though it was a little late, I finally found my true love. At long last there was a man who came into my life and made it all alright. He’s held my hand and lifted my chin when I couldn’t do it myself. He married me knowing that there was a very real possibility of losing me early on in our married life. And tonight when I cried even more with my head against his chest and told him I felt so alone, he pulled me even closer and said “I’ve got you. I’m right here. You’re fumbling through the dark, but you’re not lost.”

If I know nothing else, I know that I am loved.

Cancer

I promised to update as I was able, so here I am. No doubt you miss the sex stories and the erotica, but there’s not a whole lot of that going on right now. However, you can always check the sidebar under Writing and find the oldies but the goodies.

After seeing the doctor yesterday the news is less than good. I told The Knight, of course, but I couldn’t tell Mama. So, I gave her the basics but the rest will have to wait until the next time I see her in person.

The plan of action?

To get as much done this month- as much chemo and radiation as possible. At the end of the month if there is not a significant improvement/reduction then that’s it. The doctor will send me home on hospice with comfort measures only.

He did tell me, of course. This time last year we knew that this was our last ditch effort. I was told that I probably wouldn’t see my thirty-first birthday, but it’s fast approaching. I keep thinking that maybe, just maybe, they will be wrong. Maybe March will be the month to turn it all around, the month that it all falls into place and miracles appear out of thin air. They warned me, so I knew that this was the possibility but I didn’t want to believe them.

I write here because this place is mine. This is my safe haven to say all the things that normally I hold inside. My body hates sitting here in the chair I fell in love with that The Knight bought for me because he saw how much I loved it, at the desk that he bought and assembled for me because it was girly and my favorite shade of white. The desk that houses cards from friends and family, pictures drawn by my babies, and love letters from my husband. The desk that has seen countless hours of writing and video game grinds (God how I miss World of Warcraft!) with my husband.

My husband.

Remember when I never thought it would happen? Now my last name is the same as his. He smiles and cries when he calls me his beautiful wife. He calls me beautiful with my hair shorter than his and my body shutting down! I always said the man was crazy, so I guess he keeps on proving it day after day.

We talked last night about the news from the doctor. The plan is to hold out hope for this month, to keep on believing that I’ll be the lucky one. (I think he needs it more than I do at this point, so I will do it for him.) When the month is over he will take a leave of absence from work to be with me. Then we will talk to the babies and make plans for the weeks that they say I will have left.

It all seems so surreal. All around me life goes on and I feel stuck, rooted in this place. Caught somewhere between life and death where the view never changes. It’s like watching a movie that someone else has made about me and my life.

I’m tired now. I’m sorry if you came here looking for a wank or voyeuristic fulfillment. None of that to be found here lately. If you’re still speaking to me, drop me a line. Tell me what’s going on your world.

It’s Like Dying In The Sun

Back to the doctor today, so not a lot of time to write. I don’t know when I will update again.

Though they said it would probably happen, I didn’t expect this. I didn’t expect to feel the pain so intensely. I didn’t expect to go downhill as quickly as I seem to be. Every day lately seems to bring with is something new, something else that I have to fight against. But I fight because I want to live. I fight because I want to grow old with my Knight. I fight because I want to see my babies grow up.

I’ve fallen down the stairs more. I can hardly see and there are days that holding on to even a cup of tea is almost impossible. The bleeding never stops from the front or the back and the pain is so intense that it makes me prefer labor and childbirth without drugs to this. But that’s not the worst.

The worst is the waiting. The knowledge of the dying process with a diagnosis like this. Will today be the day? How about tomorrow? The waiting and the fear of falling asleep and never waking up…those are the hardest things.

I am so happy. I am so incredibly loved at this moment in my life. All I want is to scream and stomp my feet while I cry out that this isn’t fair. It’s not supposed to happen this way. My life is beautiful, maybe even more meaningful now than it ever has been. Yet here I am, fighting this horrible illness that will take it all away. It’s hard to face the facts when you’re so sure that you’ll be the one time they’re wrong, that your life is worth a miracle.

It’s like dying in the sun.

When I’m able I will update, even if it’s short or just a video. Thank you for reading and for the thoughts and prayers. I’ll take them with me everywhere.

This Makes Me Sad

His wife had a cancer blog that I only recently found but I haven’t had the courage to read all of it yet. I did, however, find her husbands site. My heart aches when I read it because I can’t fathom what he must be feeling. I know that his words are heart wrenching, so the pain he must be feeling must be a thousand times worse.

It makes me wonder how my own husband will respond. I mean, after seeing P.S. I Love You (By the way, the movie is AMAZING and so undeniably sad…and the music is wonderful, gotta have…gotta see!) he pretty much said that he’d move on immediately, so I guess I know the answer. Maybe ours isn’t the forever kind of love like others. Maybe not being his first love makes me less or maybe not sharing the things that other couples share, like children, makes us less than other couples.

It hurts and it makes me angry. Am I not worth loving? Am I not anything worth missing? I have given him the best of who I am every second of every day since I’ve known him. Is it too much to ask…? Never mind. I’m not going there. Not there, not today.

Here is Lori’s blog.
Here is Cary’s blog.

And here is the song that keeps playing in my head over and over again.

Queen of Denial

I haven’t made a habit of adding too many cancer blogs to my sidebar. I guess it’s pretty dumb when you stop to think about it, because this blog isn’t so much a sex blog anymore- at least not in the way that it once was. Funny, but cancer has that effect on people, I suppose. Why shouldn’t I add cancer blogs to my sidebar? This is my home after all. The place I come to when there is nowhere else, the one area that is mine to do with as I damn well please and if that includes playing Queen of Denial, so be it.

Tonight though I have realized the real reason that I don’t add most of the cancer blogs to my sidebar is that they terrify me. Each day I read and follow links to other blogs of people who haven’t beaten the odds. I read last entries of people on their last days alive or entries made by their spouses or families once they have passed and it makes me realize that the reality is what it is.

While there isn’t a doctor alive who can give any of us an exact time of death, we all die sometime. If you have cancer it will probably be sooner rather than later, but no guarantees there either. For almost two years now I’ve fought until I feel as if I have absolutely nothing left to fight with. So why am I still here? Why am I the one who gets to sit here and write yet one more blog post? There are so many others who aren’t- others who have fought harder with a better attitude for a longer amount of time, so why me?

*shrug*

I don’t have the answer. I don’t have any answers. All I have is some minuscule amount of hope left to get me through. I have family and friends that pray for me and love me when I don’t have it in me to love or pray for myself. If that’s you, thank you.

{Side note: I don’t know if I’m better or worse, but I’ll be going back to the doctor. I am still having trouble breathing and tomorrow is my last day of antibiotics. Being sick is a bitch but then again, so am I.}

A Deep Sigh and Worn Out Wishes

I’ve just finished up three days of sitting with Mama. Rather, she sat with me. As amazing as it sounds, we didn’t fight- not even once! I had a good time and I think she did too. It was comforting to have her here so that I didn’t have to be alone and I know The Knight felt better having her here as well. Now I’m just sitting back letting the worries go with a very deep sigh.

We talked a lot while she was here about a lot of things. I was grown up enough to ask for her thoughts and opinions and child-like enough to listen because she is very important to me. I know that even though I am the one that is sick, she is one of the ones who is going through this in her own way. So I listened and tried to understand things from her point of view. It made me realize that we’re not so different after all.

The Knight and I have had a rough week. Work has been insane for him and it seems that I have been more sensitive than usual. I’ve spent too much time in tears and not enough time focused on the positive aspects of my life or my relationship with the man who gladly shared his last name with me. I’m trying but changing your focus and retraining yourself to let go and breathe after clinging and hyperventilating is so very difficult. It is definitely not for the faint of heart.

Our relationship seems pretty vanilla lately and I don’t know why. I miss the D/s and BDSM aspects of who we were but honestly, where do we find the energy? Between work, kids, life, and cancer there doesn’t seem to be any time left for the bells and whistles, just the basics. I wish I knew how to get it back, but I don’t want to “top from the bottom” and I don’t want to add one more worry to his already full plate. I want to ease his tension and soothe his weary soul like he does for me.

So, I try to remember the goal and where we are in our lives. I try to shrug off the snappy remarks and the grumpiness and hold him close. I am trying to ask for what I want and need without worrying that it inhibits my ability to submit to him. More than that, I’m starting to slowly but surely give up worn out wishes and live in the real world instead.

We All Fall Down

I know I haven’t posted in a few days and for that I apologize. As so many bloggers know real life has a way of interfering with our best laid plans. We try to post as often as we should or as often as we have promised ourselves but we simply cannot for a myriad of reasons. My reasons?

The Knight and I have been working it all out. We hit a really rough patch because of life’s varying circumstances and it took time to get through the hurt to the place where the healing could start. Love and marriage are hard, much harder than I ever imagined. Now, when all I want more than anything is to spend the rest of my life with him, it’s almost impossible sometimes to forgive the nasty words and hurtful actions and remind myself that this is where I want to be. In loving him and marrying him I have willingly given him the power to hurt me, to build me up or tear me down and when he takes those liberties it hits hard and it leaves me stunned.

Still, here I am. He’s asked me time and time again why. For every time he asks, my answer is always the same. I love him. I love what we share when we’re not tearing one another apart. More than that, I believe in us, in the power we have together as a couple, as best friends and lovers united together to take on the world. In almost three years, my love for him has remained. It’s changed, from superficial to real and meaningful, but it’s remained. We both know how hard it is to find what we’ve found with one another.

In addition to marital growing pains, I’ve had the pain that comes with cancer. (Cancer. What a small word for something so huge and so powerful.) I’m having seizures now that the cancer has progressed. I didn’t know it until recently and until the tumor is dealt with in my head, they’re likely to stay. So, what once was an inconvenience has now become an actual issue that I have to deal with.

I’m not driving and some days I can barely see the television or the computer monitor. Reading a book is fine, but walking isn’t. In the last week I have fallen down the stairs three times and ended up with various bruises and a concussion. Oh the glamour that is cancer! Since things are the way they are we’ve had to adjust our lives accordingly. Lots of things are changing and I don’t know how to feel about it.

Among the changes is a sofa bed that will be making up the “sitting room” portion of our home that is technically the foyer. I hated spending the money on it, but it couldn’t be helped since I can’t maneuver the stairs. I know I’m sick and it’s not just a desire, but I feel guilty about the purchase. With The Knight working downtown three days a week however, I had to find a way to be able to sleep downstairs to avoid going up and down the stairs alone while he’s gone. It was a compromise.

Someone is going to be coming to be with me two of the three days he works downtown. It may be my mother or it may be someone else, but being alone isn’t safe, so I have to accept it. The thought of being so sick that I need someone with me almost constantly is incredibly hard to handle. I have always been fiercely independent and it just goes against everything I’ve ever known, everything I have ever wanted. Yet again, it was a compromise and one more thing that I have to accept.

Acceptance is a difficult thing. I love my husband and I know he loves me, but I hate putting him through this. Asking anything of my mother or my sister leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I’ve explained it to the people that I love the best way I know how and while they kind of understand, the really don’t. Instead of sympathy or empathy, I get a variation on the speech that we all fall down and sometimes I’ve caught them or helped them up but now they want to catch me and help me up. It’s a valid point. I guess in the course of our lives we all fall down.

{I think that’s it for now. If you’re bored, don’t hesitate to drop me an email. I haven’t been able to afford a laptop yet, but I can check my email on my PSP. It’s lonely around here for me, so It wouldn’t be a bother. I’d love to hear from you.}